Saying It With My Chest!

Hey Dad…….

I have no idea where I want to begin, but I know I need to get some things off of my chest.  Let me start by saying that I will always love you, even if from afar because you are my father.  Nothing can change that. 

I’ve never fully shared these feelings with you because I didn’t want to live in the past or have my pent up feelings be the reason you decide to use again.  Addictions are hard to battle and I didn’t want that to fall on me.  But in the midst of me protecting your behaviors, I’ve neglected my own healing. 

I.CAN’T.DO.THAT.ANYMORE! 

You are a GROWN man and thus responsible for your own actions regardless of what you are confronted with. 

So let me be frank; when you and mommy divorced some 25 years ago I’ve always felt like you divorced me as well.  You walked out of our life and you never really looked back.  Yes, you dropped in every now and again, but the commitment to me, as your child, your only baby girl, was not there.

I felt like I saw your back, more than I saw your face.  Even when you attempted to see me on the weekends, you were never around.  You were out with your latest girlfriend’s family, doing whatever it was that “grown folks” do. 

I’m almost 32 years old and I don’t know how to receive love from any male figure because the one male I thought I would get it from was....You.  I don’t know how to let a man lead me or protect me or nurture me because I’ve never experienced it.

I’m so scared a man will walk out of my life the same you did that I either hold on too tight or I don't hold on enough. 

My own insecurities of not being enough get the best of me.

I was deprived of being “daddy’s girl”, the “apple of his eye”, his “beautiful princess”.  You never instilled any of those things in me.     

I was always told I was ugly and no one would ever want me because my daddy didn’t.  At first, I didn’t want to believe it and had the upmost faith that you would be a father……. But as time went on and you weren’t around to prove them wrong, their words rang true. 

Your absence turned me into a wounded woman.  There were nights when I would silently scream for you to rescue me to no avail. 

When I was molested right under your nose at the tender age of 8, you didn’t even notice. 

When I was ridiculed by your “new family” for being overweight, having kinky hair and scarred legs, you laughed.

When I was shoved so hard that I flipped over, you didn’t come to my rescue. 

When I shoved pills down my throat, you didn’t even visit me in the hospital. 

Where were you?!?!?!  Why didn’t you protect me?!?!?!?

For the longest time I wanted to understand why you weren’t around, but I never will.  I feel I will never be enough for any man because I wasn’t enough for the man who shares my DNA.

For whatever reason, you didn’t feel I was important enough for you to be around.  You wanted to chase your addictions.   I wanted you to be addicted to fatherhood.

It’s funny how my lack of relationship with you shows itself in my relationship with God. 

God is said to be my Heavenly Father, however, when I think of the word “father” I am unable to fully identify with the feelings of unconditional love, protection, encouragement, etc.  So naturally, my trust in God is low….I’m working on it. 

I forgive you for not being a part of my life, but I will not forget.  I can’t forget when so much of what I missed by not having you around shows up in my day-to-day interactions with men.

I had to learn the hard way how a man is supposed to treat a woman and I’m not even sure I have it right.  

I’m proud of you for kicking your habit. 

I’m proud of you for attempting to be there. 

I’m proud of you for reading this and not using again.

Love Always!



Gift and a Curse

I love being a mentor. 

I love feeling like I am helping a young person navigate through this crazy world.

I love that they confide in me.....Or at least use too.

I currently find myself between a rock and a hard place.  Somewhere over the past few months my mentees' mother has become my mentor and I don't think they like it.

Their mother is 15 years older than I and we really interact like older/younger sister, although I affectionately call her "Madre S".  Over the past few months, she has provided me sound advice as I go through life storms.  We workout together, cook and shop each other's closets. I can talk to her in a way I can't talk to my mother or even some of my friends.  She really provides me with a wealth of wisdom.

I get the feeling the youngest Mini Me doesn't like this new relationship because I'm taking her mom away and her mom is taking her mentor away.  Or maybe it's because when I am around I divide my time between talking to her mom and talking to her. 

I'm not really sure what to do.  I will ALWAYS be there for both of the Mini Mes and help them when I can.  The new relationship between their mom and I can actually work in their favor. 

Since their mom and I are so close she has asked for my opinion on several subjects concerning them.  Mom tells them "no" on something, perhaps I can help persuade her to say "yes" or think about it.  I can also help them see her point if she comes down hard on them.  I'm like the third party neutral. 

In any event, I love my new family and I thank God for all of them.  Hopefully Mini Me 1 and 2 will learn to accept the new relationship as we all grow together.   

Roll Tide!!!!

My Big Brother Ant

My oldest brother turned 40 on Friday, 15 Jun 12.  Not only did he reach the big 4-0, he also started his own insurance company through Farmers.  To celebrate, his wife wanted to throw him a big bash with me in attendance.

My brother and his family have lived in Alabama for seven years and I have never been to visit.  Not when my niece was born four and a half years ago or when I was two hours up the road in Atlanta.  I've just never felt the need to travel to hot, humid Alabama.   It's too slow and there would be nothing for me to do there.

My brother has complained for the last few years that everybody has been to visit except me.  Heck, my nephew has been there three times.   When he comes back home he rarely spends time with me nor does he travel up here just to see me.  My thought was "why should I waste money/leave to be bored."

My sister-in-law convinced me to fly down for this big event.  So I booked my ticket and made my way there.  My brother had NO clue I was coming to party with him.  He knew my mom and his in-laws were coming, but not me.  On the way to the house we devised a plan to get him to walk out to the car. The trap was set.

The look on my big brother's face when he saw me standing outside was PRICELESS!  Once he realized it was indeed his baby sister standing by his car he leaped in the air like the had just won the National Championship and screamed.  I just knew his neighbors were going to come outside, lol.  He was happy!  And so was I.

The next part of the surprise was to walk into my house to see my niece/God-daughter.  I walked in the house and called her name.  Like a normal 4 year old she was preoccupied and told me she was in the living room.  When I walked in the room her mouth dropped wide open and she stared at me for what seemed like 5 mins before she jumped into my arms yelling "Tee tee Bobo!"  It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

I spent the next four days with my brother and his in-laws.  We laughed, argued and partied.  There were times when I thought I was going to lose my mind with 13 people in a house, but I managed to get through it for my brother.

I'm glad I made the decision to visit my brother after 7 years.  To see how much my trip meant to him meant the world too me.  There is nothing like having a big brother :-)