Love

Relationships only work when the people in them actually roll up their sleeves and function as a team.

There have been a few relationships in which I was concerned more about my agenda verses the biggest picture of having a strong, unbreakable bond. Well this last time I believe I put my best foot forward and it didn't work.

I want and believe in lobe and I will never give up the fight to have it.

Love

Relationships only work when the people in them actually roll up their sleeves and function as a team.

There have been a few relationships in which I was concerned more about my agenda verses the biggest picture of having a strong, unbreakable bond. Well this last time I believe I put my best foot forward and it didn't work.

I want and believe in lobe and I will never give up the fight to have it.

About Time

I've never been the best with time management.  I've been criticized of stuffing too many activities into a day, both personally and professionally.

Granted, there are 60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in a hour. 24 hours in a day. 7 days in a week. 52 weeks in a year.

To me there is more than enough time for me to do everything for/with everyone.  Work for 8.5 hours; hit the gym for 2 hours; run errands for 2 hours; meet the girls/family for some healthy fun for 3 hours; attend dance rehearsal for 3.5 hours; spend time with my man for 3 hours and sleep for 3 hours.

See, all of that sounds doable.....to me, however, I was recently told by a good friend that it doesn't seem like I have time for a relationship.  I'm too busy with family, friends, dance the gym, church and other obligations.  Like I make time for whomever I'm dealing with AFTER I've done everything else.

That hurt.  It hurt because I've heard that sentiment echoed from several men whom I've dated, including the ex fiance.

I'm a firm believer if several people who don't know each other are saying the same thing, then there is validity to the statement.

I admit, I fill my plate with TOO much stuff, with reason.  Let's start with being a single woman, I have a lot of free time on my hands.  But honestly when I'm not running around, involved in something, or what have you, I tend to get in "trouble".  I don't mean legal trouble, but mental/physical trouble.

I may start eating a bunch of junk.

Or thinking about the bad parts of my life.

Or have suicidal thought .

Or I may feel alone.

All of those things drive me to a bad place.  So to combat that, I stay busy!  I stay involved.

Not to mention, growing up I didn't have the confidence to do much.  Back then I didn't want to be around anyone.  I just lived in that bad space.

Now I find myself having to find a balance.  I need to make myself available to whomever I'm dating so he doesn't feel like I'm "fitting" him my schedule; but rather he has an important place in my schedule.  I want to give him the best of me, not the leftovers after an exhausting day.

I want him to feel like the time we spend together is just as important to me as my time in the gym.

I created this life because my time was my own, but if I ever want to get to a place where I'm sharing my everything with my mate then I need to make changes.

Here's to doing AM and/or lunch workouts.....hanging with the girls once a month....saying "no" to always being available to family......to happiness and sharing life with someone :-)

"Time waits for no man."

I Want

The other day a friend of mind posted a blog which included a beautiful quote from Bob Marley.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 

This is what I want in my next relationship.  This is the love I want to build from the ground up. 

I want to create life long memories with the one person who is my lover, friend and confidant.  

I want to bask in his radiant smile.

I want to submerge myself in the depth of his knowledge.

I want to push him as he chases his dreams.

I want to be intoxicated by the smell of his skin.

I want to share in his disappointments.

I want to feel his heart beat as I lay against his chest.

I want it all.............................................................................

Sleep

My mother loves to tell stories.

There is not a week that goes by where she doesn't remember something I did as a child.  Her eyes shine as she replays my foolishness in her head.  

One of the stories that she often tells me as I crawl in her bed is when she stopped letting me sleep in her room. 

I had to be about 7 or 8 and she had had enough.  I slept wild and would often kick her out of the bed.  She kept warning me that she was going to lock me out, but I didn't believe her.

Well one day it happened, she locked me out.  According to her I cried and eventually took residence in front of her bedroom door.  I did this for weeks.  

I just hated sleeping alone.....

One of the things I love about being in a relationship is being held while we sleep.  

When I'm asleep, I tend to let my guard down.....take off my Superwoman cape and be a woman.  I'm able to express my deepest fears without saying a word.

I feel protected.....wanted........needed........loved........free

I miss that feeling.

House Boo Shopping

I’ve expressed a few times on the blog my desire to purchase another home in the next year or so. 

I want to own a house that I can turn into my own personal resort……Where each day I open the door and immediately feel relaxed. 

I want a place my friends and family can retreat too when their world gets to crazy. 

I want a small piece of the state where I can host gatherings to watch a show, celebrate a milestone or enjoy a holiday. 

Home ownership is a part of the “American Dream”…..My dream.

But damn is it hard!!!!!  This is not my first purchase; however, this is the first time I am doing this alone.

There are so many things you have to take into consideration before signing your name on the dotted line.

How much are you pre-approved for….

What style of home would you like…..

How many bedrooms/bathrooms…..

Basement…..

Neighborhood…..

HOA fees…..

Access to necessities……

Property Taxes…….

Not only that, but most of the houses currently on the market are short sales, so you have to see what feels like hundreds of homes before you find a home in good condition.  Not to mention short sales are more like long sales because of the time it takes for an offer accepted by the bank. 

If you find a good home, you have to make an offer immediately!  The homes in “move in” condition are snatched up so fast, it doesn’t make any sense. 

It’s almost like finding a mate.

Just like purchasing a home, you have to take your needs/wants into consideration when dating and/or selecting a mate. 

What type of relationship do you want…..

What about his/her physical appearance….

Education or no…..

Religious/spiritual…..

Kids or no kids…..

Long distance or local…..

Lawd, help me!!!!  I’m in the throes of both processes; pray for me.

Bargining........

So my real life kindred sister-friend wrote a FANTASTIC blog on negotiating/renegotiating in relationships that took me to church!!  I was “tabernacling” all at my desk. 

She wrote, "You need to find out what that person needs and wants from you, and you need to express your needs and wants. You should praise them for the great things they do, and respectfully explain the not so nice things you don't like, and let that person do the same. And if things are changing, say so. If things are going in a weird direction you don't like, say so. There should be no fear in speaking your mind respectfully in your relationship. You want that person to be happy and they should want you to be happy. Everyone needs updated information to do their jobs properly."  

Hmmmmmm.  Have I always provided updated information for my “employee” to do his job effectively?

No.  I haven’t. 

In my past three relationships I’ve been a bad manager at some point or another.  I placed expectations on them and “they ain’t e’vn know it”.  Because of my negligence, they were not able to live up to those unknown expectations.

Over the past two years, I’ve learned that I need to negotiate and renegotiate in a relationship.  Outline, in detail, what I want and am willing to accept.

The blog also stated something along the lines of “don’t put your relationship on automatic renewal.” 

I chuckled to myself because each month I would text the last young man that I dated and ask if he wanted to renew his subscription.  What I (we) failed to do was negotiate the terms of the original contract and subsequent renewals.

As I am navigating my way through this new-aged dating scene, I understand that I cannot accept just any offer. 

I have a general idea of how much I should be making and I am not willing to accept ANYTHING less!

I know my value. 

I know my worth! 

Not Right For Each Other.............

Over a month ago I blogged about the beautiful plant I was given from a young man I had been seeing.  Well the plant died a few days ago and surprisingly so did our relationship.

He's not a bad man, just not the one for me.  It hurts, but I've been through worse.  

From what I know, we broke up because he felt like we weren't going anywhere.  He felt I wasn't growing more comfortable.  He didn't feel like a priority.  

I'll be honest, I wasn't totally comfortable.  There were things going on in my life I felt I could not talk to him about because of his attitude at times. He would pick on little things about my personality. Saying I live in "Disney World" because I think everything is suppose to have a happy ending like Disney movies.  

He would make fun of the relationship I have with my mother.  I talk to my mom everyday and I live with her.  If I'm on the phone and she calls, I tell whomever I'm talking too I will call them back.  She's my mom, whatever she has to say is important.  Now if/when I get married, that will change.  My husband will be #1, until then......

During the time we dated we were not intimate, even though we spent nights together.  Apparently not having sex by a certain time is a deal breaker.  We didn't have sex because I wasn't ready.  

He called me an over-achiever because there are times when I feel the need to go above and beyond...especially when it comes to exercising and my niece/nephew.  There were always comments about me doing too much.

There is someone out there for BOTH of us.  Someone that understands our way of thinking.  It sucks that we weren't good for each other because we had some fun times!!!  

I'll always love him, but now I know that sometimes it's just better to remain friends :-)

Sometimes You Have to Lose to Win Again......

A few weeks ago Fantasia released the video to her song entitled "Lose to Win".  As most of my generation knows, 'Tasia has been through a lot.  

She dropped out of HS, endured scrutiny for not knowing how to read, became a teenage mother, was sued by her father, went bankrupt, had an affair w/ a married man, attempted suicide and bore a child w/ a married man.  

The lyrics to this song REALLY sit with me; especially the course.

Have you ever needed someone so bad?

But he ain’t willing to make it last

Sometimes you gotta lose to win again.

If it makes you cry, cry, cry

And all you do is fight

Can’t get no sleep at night?

Sometimes you gotta lose to win again.

I've been there......

It's been well documented on this blog that I have been in the middle of a bad break up with someone whom I loved deeply.  

I needed him, he wasn't there.  

He needed me and I was no where to be found.  

I cried.

He mentally and emotionally move further away from me.  

We fought for almost 2 years as we went round for round on how we were going to settle our joint affairs.  

I've experienced months of sleepless nights.  

Well today, finally, we both received some closure.  

He was there and so was I.  

There were no tears.  

No verbal punches thrown. 

I plan to sleep well tonight.

We met to sign paperwork to legally dissolve our relationship.

After signing the Quit Claim Deed and the Settlement Agreement I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I turned over my legal right to the house we previously shared and in some part my GREAT credit score.  

It's not over yet, but the hardest part is complete. 

When we broke up I lost A LOT....I lost my will to live....I lost my self-esteem and confidence.....I lost my love for others....I lost my love for God.

But today.....TODAY, I got ME back.  I won! 

Sometimes you have to lose to win again. 

Nobody's Perfect...............

Thanks to my blogger friend 29toLife, I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships.  You know, the normal things: how he make me feels, his character, what he looks like and the such.

I've realized that my "wants and needs" have changed over the years.  Back in my hay day, what I wanted was rather simple...He needed to be attractive, doing something with his life and make me smile.

Oh, if things were that simple now.  Over the past two years or so I've been attempting to become more selective about what gentleman I give my time too.  As I look back, it has been a serious struggle.

I've met an anti-corn syrup dude.

A convicted felon accused of attempted murder.

A nice southern boy who had "hand" problems.

A Air Force vet who had no idea what he wanted.....Two of them actually.

A 120% frugal cynic.

A alcoholic who drank and smoked everyday....Like no days off.

Despite there descriptions, the ones I actually tried to get to know had good qualities, but "something" was missing.  I didn't feel that sense of love, comfort, security, friendship......wantness.

Now that I am older and experienced various relationships I have a better idea of what I want from a relationship.  How I want to be treated.  The physical aspect doesn't matter as much to me anymore; I just need to be remotely attracted to him. 

His true character, who and what he is that really matters the most.

He needs to be a Believer in Christ.  He MUST have a relationship with God. There is no other way.  We must be on the same page spiritually.  As a guest Pastor said in a sermon a few weeks ago, "in order to build a better home we have to be equally yoked; just as we are equal in a relationship."  I want to talk about scripture, maybe do a few Bible studies, pray together.....

He must be respectful.  He needs to respect himself, me and others.  He must respect himself enough to take care of himself mentally, physically and spiritually.  He must respect me by knowing I am a woman, not a girl nor one of his buddies, so the way we interact would have to be different. He must respect others by not doing anything to purposely harm another. 

He must have a goal(s).  It doesn't matter what that goal is as long as it is something productive.  If he wants to open a business, pursue it.  If he wants to advance in his current position, take the steps to do so. 

He must be supportive.  I am a BIG cheerleader for those I love and I need the same in return. I need him to believe in me as I believe in him.  When I'm having a down day, his supportiveness will help lift me up.

He must know how to communicate.  I love to talk.  I'm a firm believer that miscommunication will ruin a relationship.  I want him to talk to me when things are good, bad and indifferent.  When I bring things to him, it is my hope he will actively listen and not become defensive if I take issue with something he has done.

He must want to have fun. As I have gotten older, I realize how much fun it was to be a kid.  I need someone who is unafraid to be a kid with me.  Let's go rock climbing, play putt-putt golf, painting, build playhouses and the such.  Not saying EVERY activity would be "kid stuff" because I do like "grown folk" stuff (romance, movies, dancing, etc) as well.

All in all, I want to feel secure, wanted, valued and young when I am with this man. 

These are my top 6 things.  Of course there are other little details, but theses are my must-haves.  What about yours?

Ok, so this song doesn't really match the post, but I love the message that's someone can be perfect for me :-)

I.HATE.FAILING!!!

One of the things my family and friends love about me is throughout life I've accomplished all of my dreams. 

I wanted to graduate from college....done. 

I wanted to attend grad school....done. 

I wanted to lose weight....done. 

I wanted to purchase a house....done. 

I didn't want to have a child out of wedlock....done. 

I am a control freak and I am NOT afraid to admit it.  Dating back to childhood, there were so many things that I couldn't control that I promised myself I would control every aspect of my life as best I could when I got older.

Accomplishing my goals were hard....nothing came easy.  There were long days and sleepless nights.  Tears of pain and tears of joy, but I was able to control the situation.  

There is one thing I tried and failed at.........engagement.  Not actually going through with the entire marriage process bothers me.  Since it didn't happen, I really feel like a failure.

I failed him, since I wasn't the "woman" he wanted to spend he rest of his life with.

I failed my family.  They spent 6 years knowing this dude only to never be able to mention his name again.

I failed my bank account.  I purchased a home with him....not to mention the $1000 dress that I will never wear.

I'm reminded of this failure every time a co-worker, long distance family member or anyone mentions his name.  I'm reminded of the non-marriage every time I have to text him as a way of communicating until my name is removed from the mortgage.  I'm reminded every time I pull up to my mother's house, since I live with her now.

I hate failing others. I hate the reminders!!! I really do.  The constant reminders are putting me in a place where it seems like I will never fully move on and be truly happy.

That sucks!!! Being in this place truly sucks.  I feel like I have to overcompensate to show the world I am over him and to not fail again if I am given another opportunity at marriage.  It's a lot of pressure.

Potted Plants......................

I received a gift yesterday....A very nice gift. 

The gentleman I have been seeing for a while brought me a potted plant.  Now I'm not sure if he knows that I don't have much of a green thumb, but the mere fact that he purchased such a cute "just because" gift means a lot. 

I find symbolism in all types of things; sometimes to my own determent because I tend to over-analyze.  I saw the potted plant as his way of reminding me of the growth we have shared, both individually and together, over the past few months.  We have both grown to accept each other's quirks and work together to see what could happen.

Potted plants last longer than a bouquet of roses.  Flowers die in a matter of days if not taken care properly, however, the potted plant is a little harder to "kill".

Potted plants require more attention than regular flowers.  You have to select the correct pot, place it in the right temperature, give it enough sunlight and water.  You can place a bouquet in any type of vase.  

One potted plant can turn into several potted plants as it grows...almost like a little family.   

It's funny because he called me when he was in the store, but never mentioned picking me up anything or asking if I needed anything.  For whatever reason I get so tickled when I am asked if I need something or if someone pick me up something while out.  It shows me that they care about my needs and/or I was on their mind. 

Our budding relationship is like this beautiful plant.  It's a lot of work, but I have the feeling it will be worth it in the end when the beautiful flowers bloom.....Or at least I hope so.

I got READ Hunny!!!!

If any of you watched the Real Housewives of Atlanta this season then you will understand my next statement…..I got READ by an ex-boyfriend over the weekend.  The funny thing about it is that he didn’t say it too me, I read it myself via email.

Here is a little back story.  We dated off and on for 4 ½ years from 2001-2005.  I will admit he was my first love.   We were friends….with benefits….before we entered into a committed relationship.  After I graduate from HPU and returned home, we broke up.  I can’t do LD relationships although I still loved him.  After the break-up we stayed friends and would joke about getting back together even though we both were dating other people.  In June 2011, he requested that I not contact him anymore because he felt I was not being completely honest with him.

Every now again I will have dreams of people, both male and female, that I have not communicated with in a long time.  When that happens, I reach out to that person via email/text to make sure everything is ok.  The communication is not the typical “you’re on my mind” type of thing.  It’s more like “I had a strange dream and I pray all is well with you and yours.” 

So about 4 weeks ago I had a dream about said ex and sent an email with a statement similar to the comment above.  He didn’t respond and I didn’t expect him too, nor did I say "please let me know you are alright.”

Well yesterday as I was chilling with my best friend, Happy Bornday Angel, I got an email alert on my phone.  Like any “phone rat” I check it and it is from him.  Talk about SHOCKED!!!!

In this email he informs me that he is indeed in good spirits, but a little heavy-hearted because of the recent loss of his father.   He then goes on to lay out a bunch of anger and forgiveness he has been holding in for the past 2 years.  When I tell you he READ me, he READ me! 

In so many words he called me a coward and hoped I never put anyone in the situation that he found himself in…..there is a lot of history between us that is too much to explain in this blog.  He also apologized for his own actions, which beget my actions. 

The funny thing about being READ, is that he was so right.  At the time, I was so selfish that I did not see what I was doing to those who cared for me.   I’m not mad at what he said, although I started a mini rant with the BFF about his actions. 

I’m very glad that he was able to share his feelings and we both grew from the experience.  I will continue to honor his wishes and not contact him unless I’m told to do so by the Holy Spirit.  I’m of the belief that I had to dream so that I could reach out to him and pray for him in his time of need. 

That email provided the closure that was needed and hopefully we both find the honest, true, real, unconditional love we failed to cultivate for ourselves.

My Other Gun....

“So much more than right or die; she'll get on the trigger or take the wheel and drive.  And I know if situations go right, then she's right there in the hostel by my side”

-          Neyo

I am a HUGE Ne-Yo fan!  He has a way with words and his voice is beautiful.  About a month ago, a very close friend of mine emailed me a song entitled “My Other Gun.”  Now I will be the first to admit that I have not really kept up with the hip-hop/R&B world because it is not good, but I will save that rant for another day. 

The title of the song caught my attention…most R&B song titles don’t include the word gun.  I also have a fascination for guns.  I love going to the range and I really want to own a purple 40 cal with a black rose on the handle.  I know it seems strange, but that’s what I want J

I immediately fell in love with the song.  The beat, the lyrics, the play on words……Yes!!!!!  He found a way to describe what I believe every person wants in a relationship and what true love is.

In short, the song is about his significant other and what she means to him.  He goes on to describe her like so….  

Hold me down with a thousand pounds on the shoulder
Lift me up despite the stones, rocks, boulders
Soft and strong, right and wrong, anxious, patient
In her eyes ride or die ain't just a statement oh

So much more than right or die
She'll get on the trigger or take the wheel and drive
And I know if situations go right
Then she's right there in the hostel by my side

That's my other gun
That's my other eye
That's who got my back
When the world ain't on my side
She my other gun
Should I go to war
Holding me down
That's what she there for

As I think about what I want in a lasting, committed relationship, this is it!  I want my “other gun” and I want to be his.  Someone to help lift me up when I am down, to encourage me when I feel like giving up.  The Clyde to my Bonnie….because I really am down for a few capers, lol…legal of course!  Someone to focus on me. 

The thing about having someone be “my other gun” is it requires TRUST.  We all know that guns don't hurt/kill, but it is the stupid people that do.  The last thing I want is for “my gun” to be used against me.  I always wonder how someone feels when they are shot with their gun, but I’m not trying to find out….again.

When I trust someone enough, I’m sure he will be “my other gun”.  Until then, I’ll protect myself and enjoy the song.

Take a listen for yourself and tell me what you think......

Just Call Me Judy Blume.....

"Telling the truth makes you odd" - Judy Blume

Growing up in the 80/90s was awesome!  We had the best music, TV shows, after school specials and books.  One of my favorite authors as a child was Judy Blume.  Her books had a detective theme to them which matches very well with my investigative personality.

What can I say, since I was a child I loved solving mysteries and being nosy, lol.  If I didn't believe something then I was going to dig until I found the truth....oh and the truth I would find.

Fast forward to the last 72 hours.  While I have been traveling back and forth to Ebonyville, I'll explain in another post, my girls have been going through it and are in need of my help.

My latest case involves a married man, mistress and my friend.  I got the case Wednesday night and I'm happy to say I've solved it!  Social media and public websites are wonderful tools to use when trying to find the truth.

Folks don't realize how big their cyber footprint is and boy was his HUGE!  So basically he told my friend he was separated from his wife and going through a divorce.  The wife supposedly lived in another state and of course he wants to start a new life with my friend.  While I'm not sure what tipped her off, besides a FB post, my friend had questions which he didn't answer.....imagine that!

Well using FB and some government sites I was able to find out the wife is in fact here, her email, where she works and the house they are looking to purchased.  I also put other pieces together and discovered hie has a mistress, whom is also a co-worker!

Case solved in 36 hours.....damn I'm good.  Not sure what she's going to do with all the information, but I hurt for my friend.  She's been through a lot in the past few years when it comes to men.  Perhaps it's time for her to chill before she gets involved with someone else. 

In any event, the case is closed and my record is still in good standing. I just really wish I was wrong this time. 

My advice to all is be honest in all dealings and watch what you put out in the cyber world.  There are detectives like me ready to examine your cyber footprint, lol.

Show Me the Carfax!

As I talk to my friends in the process of purchasing "used" cars, I'm learning the importance of checking the Carfax.  Now I've purchased two used vehicles in my day and I will say both were lemons, lol.  After the last one broke down, I made a vow to only buy off the showroom floor.

That would be great if I were really talking about cars, but I'm talking about dating/relationships.  Unfortunately, men don't come with a report showing the accidents, mileage, service records, previous drivers, insurance claims, etc.  But they should!

I've had two close friends find out that either their new boo thangs were either engaged or married with a mistress in the past 4 days.  That's a lot of information to process.

Like how can you be engaged and be in a relationship with someone else?  Like this dude was practically living in her house!!!  He was around her 24/7 and still managed to live a double life.  Smh.

In the other case, dude said he was separated from his wife, but wasn't AND he has a mistress!!!  So he was living a triple life.  That's a lot of lies to keep up.  You have to have a GREAT memory to remember dates, events, names, etc.

Now, I'm sure you are all wondering how they found out......it was easy thanks to Facebook, lol.  After all these years, guys don't know how to lock down certain parts of their pages.

I'm one to learn from the mistakes of others, so I will definitely take heed to what they went through.  The next time I find myself a used car, I will be asking for a Carfax and doing a little investigative work on my own ;-)

2016 is Gonna Happen Because, lls...................

"If you have to invite your best friend to your wedding, you are marrying the wrong person." - Unknown

I've blogged many times about my closest, Pook, and the wonderful friendship that we have shared over the past 6 years.  A few months ago, after finishing up the Charm City 5K, we grabbed a bite to eat and devised a relationship contingency plan, lol. We realized that we may both be single for a while and could possibly have a successful marriage based on what we know about each other. 

The plan is basically if we are both single in 2015 then we would date each other and marry in 2016.  2014 would be used as a year for us to "date" and get our financials in order, if needed.  We are both very serious about our money, lol.  We figured we would need the year of dating so folks don't look at us like we are strange when we send out wedding invitations, lol.

Now I know this seems silly too some, including one of my good girlfriends.  She doesn't understand why him and I cannot date now.  She gave me a 10 minute lecture how I was agreeing to be his "plan B" and how I was better than that.  Her point was if we are so serious and open about getting together in a few years, why not just do it now since we are both at the stage in our lives where we are seeking true companionship and love. 

I honestly didn't have an answer to the question, so I asked Pook via text and his response was "because, lls!"  A typical Pook answer; he is such a non-conformist.  That response was not detailed enough for my friend and she kept probing me about how I see him and how he sees me.  Of course none of my responses suited her fancy.  

I will say her questioning got me to thinking while I was on my 3-hour flight to Dallas.  I started to wonder could I really see myself with him in that way.  To be honest, I still don't have an answer.  I know we communicate well, have a lot in common, encourage each other when needed and find each other attractive in some way, shape and/or form.  We have even talked of opening a business or creating a product that will allow us to retire in the next 15 years. We really plan to be in each other lives for a lifetime.  

 I have been asked by several people are we dating because we are always attending public events together, talking for hours, buying each other small trinkets, etc.   I find that to be odd because I don't think either one of us has thought of the other in that way.  In fact, we have both suggested friends for each other to date.  Maybe there is something that neither one of us can see.  The old adage says "it's hard to see the forest from the trees." The funny thing is we are sitting in the trees together *shrug*  What I do know is he will make a GREAT husband to whomever he marries because he is a GREAT friend to me!

Either way it goes I will ALWAYS have my closest...but if the plan happens, I'll have the best of both worlds :-) Do any of your have a contingency plan with your best friend?  What are your thoughts on our 2016 plans?

**UPDATE**

So Pook and I discussed why we never dated and it is because we both assumed we were in the friend-zone with each other.  Our friendship was/is so cool, comfortable and neither one of us thought to bring it up. 

In another turn of events, we have wedding colors, a ring style, song for the first dance, and name(s) for the kid(s) lol.  We have also changed our status on FB, bwahahahaha!

Dating Games

Dating as an adult can be VERY tricky.  In my younger years I saw no real issues with dating a young man for months/years on end without talking about the future.  In my eyes I had plenty of time and a life to live before discussing marriage/kids.  At that point I was still "finding myself" and figuring out what I wanted in a relationship/significant other.

At this stage in my life I believe it is important to determine if the relationship has the potential to be a life-long bond after about 6-months of dating.  I'm not getting any younger and 9 times out of 10 neither is the guy.  Now I'm not saying after 6 months we need to start planning weddings, etc.  But after 6 months you KNOW if you want that person to continue to be in your spaces and if it's worth building a future with them.

That brings me to a conversation I had last night with a man I've been dating for about 7 months.  I'm not a fan of wasting my time and I am a fairly upfront person so I asked him a random question, in no uncertain terms about the future.  His responses shocked me a little because from the beginning I told him I am not dating just to date. 

Now I am at a place where I have to decide to cut all ties and move on or stay and see what the end may be.  Honestly, I'm not sure what I want to do.  I care for him very much, but there are aspects of our relationship that is not working.  Tonight's discussion should be intersting. 

I'm not one to play games, so I may just fold my hand and leave the table.

When should you start thinking about and/or discuss the future when dating?

A Letter to Myself...........

A year ago to the day, my life changed drastically.  The man I was suppose to marry, live happily every after with and I broke up for good; we were on again/off again for about a year.  On 11 Jun 11, he pulled the plug and my heart stopped.  I never thought I would make it this far...here is an open letter to myself. 

Hey BoBo, 

I know you don't want to hear "you will be alright" and "your life is not over right now."  But it's the truth.  In exactly one year, you will be alright.  I know you are hurting right now, scrambling to figure out what can do to make things better between yourself and Milky Way.  The truth is, there is nothing you can do.  I know you want to talk to him, get him to understand everything that's going on and make the decision to keep working on the relationship.  But you have to realize you can't control this situation; you can't control him.  It's not in your hands and he will make his own decision based on what he believes is best for him.

In the following months you are going to cry a lot, not get enough sleep and drop a lot of weight.  Your diet will consist of Raisin Bran and veggie chips.  You will miss a lot of work and have to enter counseling.  You will long for the days when the two of you got along.  When a joke could clear the tension out of the room.  Yes, you will suffer a mild heart attack, but don't worry....you are going to be ok.  

Over the course of the year you will do a lot of soul searching and realize you have some growing to do.  You will realize the part you played in the break-up.  You will understand that you have to respect the man you want to be with.  Learn to stop being so flirtatious even though you know you don't mean it.  Through counseling, you face the demon of needing attention and you must work on a plan to overcome it.  

Visiting the house that was once your home will prove to be difficult.  Especially when you find an empty condom wrapper in the bedroom or strawberries/chocolate in the fridge.  Don't over react.  Leaving Storm behind each month will be hard, but you will enjoy spending time with her. At some point, there will be very little tension when you visit the house and you can breathe.  You and him will be able to share a smile and even a hug.  

After a year, you will still be legally bound to him because of the house.  Yes, you will have a mediation scheduled on the 1 year anniversary that won't go through because he thought it was at another time.  You will see your growth because you won't get mad. 

You will see how God protected and kept you over the year.  How you went from wanting to die to living again.  How your faith increased and you became a slightly better person because of the growing pains.  How you are able to relate to others who have been through similar situations.  Your Christian walk will be enhanced.  God will be your closest friend and you realize this is all a part of His plan for you.  

Wipe your eyes baby girl and hold your head up.  I know it hurts, but you will be ok.  I promise.  I know because I've walked this road.  Even though things aren't what you want them to be, keep trusting God and know that He will give you the desires of your heart in His time.  I love you!!

- Ebony

P.S. God's delay doesn't mean denial.  I'm still standing.

It's About to Get Real........Estate Included

In 2009 I purchased a townhome with my then fiancé in "new" Bowie.  It was a lovely end unit with three bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms and unfinished basement.  This was suppose to be our starter home.  We planned to stay there for 4-6 years and then move into something bigger. 

During the first year we finished the basement, updated the half bathroom and started turning it into a home.  It was filled with love, laughter, good times and our "baby girl" Storm.  It was a home.  Although we hadn't set a wedding date, we were still scheduled to get hitched.  But things changed.

At a rapid pace, we stopped communicating, stopped loving, stop respecting.  The dwelling became a house.  In the end I left the beautiful townhouse in "new" Bowie (for good).  I left my dog, friends and the one man that was supposed to be my husband.  It was ugly, but for health reasons I couldn't stay and fight for what was legally mine.

I moved out to Columbia to stay with my parents at 30 years old.  I was and still am partly embarrassed of this fact.  I told my mom I would stay for one year and then attempt to purchase a house on my own, even though my name is on another mortgage.  My goal was to save as much as my shopaholic heart would allow in an effort to have a down payment for a conventional loan.

We are approaching June and I must say I'm blessed because I'm half way to my savings goal.  I told myself I wanted to save between $18-21k.  Every payday I transfer money into a savings account that I try not to touch.  I pay my tithes and other bills, living off of whatever is left.  It's difficult at times, but God sustains me. I honestly believe it is because I tithe faithfully.

In a week or so I am scheduled to meet with my ex to discuss what to do with our current house.  He lives there, pays the bill and from what I know has been entertaining another female there.  It's time for my name to come off of that house so I can close that chapter and move on.  Things are about to get real because over the past year, every time we tried to discuss a buy-out we could never agree. 

I'm not sure what to expect at this meeting or if he will show up...and with who!  If he is bold enough to sleep with women in a house I still have a key too, then I have no doubt he is bold enough to bring her to this meeting.  I know it's going to be emotional and I'm not too sure I'm ready to deal with it.  He knows how to get under my skin and has no problem doing so.

It is my hope that I come out alive and free.  I pray the meeting goes well; there is no leftover hurt or love lost between the two of us.  In a perfect world I wouldn't be dealing with this, but I am.  My best hope is I get back what I put into the home and we agreed to end our relationship, if it can be called that, on good terms.  I believe after six years together we each deserve that.  

From there, I'll continue to save and when winter time comes I'll start looking for "Casa de Rose."  A place to call my own where I can start to rebuild my life.  I thought the after effects of the breakup were hard, but as the time nears for me to fly one my own I'm realizing things are about to get REAL!