Thankful for the Painful Lesson

I broke my nose a few weeks ago.  I know, I know….poor me.   I’ll save you all the details, but just know I got into a fight with a 35lb weight plate and a fly.  

During the course of stopping the blood and cleaning up the weight area, I told my mentor I was 
done with my workout for the day.  I mean I had just completed 40 mins of cardio and about 30 mins of weight training.  I think I had satisfied government recommendations.   

After I applied a bandage to my nose and ensured the only way someone would know there was blood in the room was if they went through there with a black light; I told myself I could finish the workout. 

Then I told my mentor.....She looked at me like I had lost my mind.  She asked is I was sure….double sure….triple sure. 

I confirmed I was and we finished our workout.  I then went on to look at homes, complete my weekly grocery shopping and my meal prep for the week. 

It wasn’t until later that I went to a local urgent care facility and was told my nose was broken.  I was blessed to have a clean break, so no resetting was necessary.  

I was knocked down, but not knocked out. 

As much as I hate to admit it; that’s been my life.  

I’ve found myself in pain; be it mental, physical, emotional or spiritual.  Sometimes the pain was self inflicted, others it was not.  Despite my pain, I’ve always been able to continue with what I was doing, even when my initial reaction was to give up. 

I needed to be reminded of this lesson today.  I was minding my business, in a happy place, but over the course of a few hours I was knocked down.

The house I wanted, I don’t think I will be able to comfortably afford. 

A guy I was interesting in, I’m realizing has a lot of BS with him.

The weight I was hoping to lose is still here. 

I called my girlfriend, she prayed. 

I talked to my work mentor and she reminded me how far I’ve come.

I talked to my kindred twin and she invited me to her house for a home cooked meal.

I touched my still-healing nose and remembered I can handle the pain and full healing will come….in time!

One is Silver and the Other's Gold

My Girls and I ;-) We are always the best dressed where ever we go!

"No new friends, no new friends, no new friends, no, no new" - Drake

Oh, Drake seems to be a poor, misguided soul at times (remember YOLO!).  Earlier this year, the famed DJ Khaled produced a song entitled No New Friends featuring Drake, Lil Wayne and Rick Ross.

The premise of the track is only remaining friends to those who have been with you from day 1.

The folks that were in the trenches with you.

I personally don't understand or agree with this new mantra.  As individuals, we change, and in some cases grow.  If two people are changing/growing in opposite directions then what is the point in remaining friends with him/her?

I understand that building a friendship, a good friendship, takes time and effort from both individuals.  As we get older and gain more responsibility, we may not have as much free time to make new friends.  We may not want to open ourselves up to new ideas and new people.

That's BS!  By not opening ourselves up to new experiences, etc we are stunting our growth.  We are not allowing ourselves to reach or full potential.

In the past year or two, I've gone against Drake's wisdom and have made new friends.  These young ladies and gentleman have played integral roles in my recovering and growth from a traumatic situation.

One young lady has soothed my crying heart with prayer and Christian wisdom.  She has provided me advice, at times when I don't ask for it, which has helped me heal.  She has become like a big sister to me.

Another young lady has literally walked a mile in my shoes.  Our experiences are almost exactly the same. Through her blog posts and gentle words, she has aided in my healing process.  She has opened my eyes to doing new things.  We have laughed and cried together.  Danced and shopped together.  She is truly one on my closet friends.

Another young lady has gotten me out of the house.  She has shown me that I didn't miss out on the "best years of my life" because I was playing the wifey role.  She encourages me to "do me" and live life.  When we go out, it is ALWAYS a good time.

My new gentleman friend has been through two divorces and lived a long life.  He always reminds me to believe in myself and trust God's plan..even when I don't feel like it.

If I had followed to Drake's wisdom, then I would have missed out on SO many great people and experiences that have enhanced my life.

I'm lucky enough to have been a Girl's Scout when I was younger.  One of our favorite songs to sing was Make New Friends.  I'm truly thankful I'm living up to the Girl's Scout honor!

Repeated Commencements

Last night I watched my “mean girl” walk across the stage as a Long Reach High School graduate.  Her commencement was nice.  Three hundred and eighty-two young men and women took a step towards the beginning of their lives.  Some have plans to attend college/university; others are entering the workforce via the armed forces.

As the speaker, a 2004 Long Reach graduate, delivered a short, but powerful message to the graduating class I begin to reflect on what commencement really meant. 

Merriam-Webster defines commencement as to enter upon; to have or make a beginning. 

How many commencements have I had?  From an academic standpoint, not including kindergarten, elementary/middle school, I’ve commenced 4 times. 

In 1999, I graduated from Howard High School. 

In 2004, I graduated from High Point University. 

In 2006, I graduated from Bowie State University.

In 2011; I graduated from University of Maryland. 

That is a lot of “beginnings”…A LOT! 

As the speaker continued, I could not help but to reflect on the non-academic beginnings I’ve had.  The commencements without all of the pomp and circumstance.  The times when I made up in my mind that I needed a fresh start....A new beginning. 

In 206, my new beginning focused on building a love life for myself.  I entered into a committed relationship.

In 2009, my commencement was engagement.  I was planning my family life.

In 2011, my new beginning focused on healing.  My heart was broken and I had to heal/rebuild.

In 2013, my commencement has been geared towards restoration.  There are some things (physical, spiritual, mental and material) I would like to be restored to me.

I honestly think the constant beginning is a good thing….at least for me.  As we grow older, we change and start new chapters in our lives.  We strive to reach our goals and REALLY pursue our interests.  We realize there are some people/situations we have to leave behind, even though it may be painful.

For every closed door, another will open.  This restoration commencement is allowing me to come into my own.  I’m more vocal about what I will/will not accept.  I do the things that make me smile.  I’m learning more about the soul within me.  The seed that was planted long ago is finally starting to sprout from the concrete. 

Beyonce pinned it best in her new song Grown Woman, "it took a while, now I understand just where I'm going. Now I'm growing into who I am.....'Bout time I show it!" 

Let the commencement begin!!!

I'm Doing Me......................

Priority is defined as a preferential rating; especially : one that allocates rights to goods and services usually in limited supply <that project has top priority> or something given or meriting attention before competing alternatives.

I want to be a priority to someone.

I want to have the preferential rating.

I want given/merited attention before competing alternatives.

The last few months I haven’t felt like a priority….…Not even to myself. 

Everyone expects me to drop whatever it is I am doing and tend to them.  Their needs.

What the FUCK about me??  What about my needs, wants, dreams, aspirations? 

It seems as if no one cares about ME.  Somehow I also brought into that belief as well and stopped making me important so I can make sure others are happy.  It’s something I’ve done since childhood.

When my dad would hit my mom, I would make sure she was ok. 

When my MeMa passed, I was the one who ordered my mother’s cold pop and asprins on the flight….I was only 6.

When my brothers, mother, or father needed money, I would make a withdrawal from the bank.

When my best friend was heart-broken and needed her “Bestie” even though I was hundreds of miles away, I hopped on a flight and flew home.

When my best friend’s house caught fire, I opened up my home.

When someone needs a wakeup call, I wake up earlier to make sure they get up.

When my ex got hurt on the job AFTER we broke up, I tended to his wounds.

When my nephew needs clothes/shoes, I head to the store.

When my friends are going through, I pray for them instead of “storms”.

When my co-worker asks for my help with his eating, I go to the store to stock the work area with healthy foods.

But when I need something, it’s rare that someone makes me and my needs a priority.  They will get to me when they “have the time”.

I have to turn from this destructive behavior. 

I want to be number one in someone’s life.  Not their friends, habits, addictions, etc.  Me!

I want someone to treat me the way I treat them. 

Until I find someone ready and willing to make me a priority in their life, I’m going to make me a priority in my own.  It’s all about me….Just call me selfish!

2013 Is Here......

Happy 2013 readers!!!!  We made it!!! The world did NOT end as predicted.....lol.

This post is so OVERDUE!!! My original goal was to post about 2012 and my goals for 2013, however, my crazy schedule did not allow for that....and I am thankful!!!  No need to post about the past (2012) when I'm focused on my future (2013)....not to mention, I did pretty good with keeping up the blog last year, so I already recorded my successes and failures.

I will say my holiday season was WONDERFUL.  I spent time with those who mean the world to me.  It did my heart great joy to get in quality time with both family and friends.  The hands down best part of the holiday season was having both brothers and my niece/nephew in the same house for the first time in over 6 years!

I brought in 2013 with my two right hands, Pook and Angel, along with my biological father/step-mom at a family bar party.  Earlier in the day I attended a noonday service to receive my spiritual instructions for the year, got in a good workout and then headed out with my loves!!!  It's been a while since I had that much fun and it was worth me going against my "I never want to go out on NYE" stance.

My goals for 2013 are pretty simple...Love God, myself and others.  Each year I want to get stronger in my Christian walk as I try to live the will He created for me.  I know I've made some wrong turns while on the journey, but I am determined to finish.

As far as loving myself, that's been a hard thing for me to do.  I do have some level of love for myself, but I'm talking REAL love...unconditional love...accepting my flaws and working every day to be better.  I can't wait for someone to love me the way I want them too if I fail to love myself that way.  This year I am going to love myself a little harder and protect myself.  I find myself in situations were I end up hurt :-(

Loving others is easy, but there are some people I have been avoiding....family members who have caused me harm, so I stay away from them.  In 2013 I want to forgive them and in the process heal. 

Like others, I want to make healthier decisions, get rid of toxic people, buy a house, and progress in my field.  I also want to start this fitness business :-)

Pastor Jenkins said 2013 was about moving forward with a double portion and that is exactly what I plan on doing!!!!  Happy 2013!!!!

T.R.U.S.T.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection.  It’s the end of another year and I like to look back to see where I am made some gains and what areas I am not. 

Besides coming to terms with my OCD/emotional eating issue, I realized I also have a trust issue.  In my previous blog I mention that I really don’t trust anyone enough to be my other gun…I really don’t.  Honestly, even if I can see you I don’t trust you.

Trust is defined as “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; one in which confidence is placed.”  Yea, I can’t say with full confidence that I feel that way about anyone besides God……and that took me a long time to build.

Perhaps it’s because I don’t trust myself…..or because of the things I’ve been through…..or because of the things I’ve done.  In any event, I’m suspicious of EVERYONE.    

When I meet someone, I have no trust/expectation of them besides to do what is best for him/her.  Period.  They owe me nothing, so I don’t get my hopes up….or at least I try not to.

The thing about not trusting is I can’t have a healthy relationship without it.  Yes, someone can earn my trust, but it will never be 100%, or even 90%.  Now, while I do have trust issues I am not one to act on it.  I’m not going through phones; conducting steak-outs; checking IG, Twitter and FB accounts.  That’s not my style because I don’t want anyone to do that too me.  Whatever wrong he/she is doing will come to the light.

A friend of mine asked me how someone can earn my trust if I side eye almost everything they do or say….that’s a good question that I have not figured out the answer too.   Right now, I guess they can’t.

One of my goals next year will be to start trusting myself and others.   Learn to listen to my gut because it is the Holy Spirit talking to me.  Trusting others so I don’t always feel like I am alone.

What are your thoughts on trust?  Does someone have to work to earn it or work to lose it?

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's the time of year when people start reflecting on their lives and giving thanks.  I wish I had the time to type out and detail everything I thankful for, I can't.  I have food on the stove and folks at the house.

So here is a quick vlog about what I'm thankful for...Enjoy the holiday :-)

What are you thankful for???

Homework: Personal SWOT Analysis

About a month or so ago an acquaintance asked me to assist him in completing his homework assignment for a business class.  The professor wanted him to conduct an SWOT Analysis on a Fortune 500 company and decide whether or not he would invest in the company based on the information. 

Now while I do have my MPA, I had no clue as to what a SWOT Analysis was.  I figured it was similar to the "new math" that my 11 year old nephew is learning in 7th grade.  It was COMPLETELY foreign to me.

Anyway, I went to my trusty friend, Google, to find out exactly what is was and how to conduct such a thing.  In short, a SWOT Analysis is " a useful technique for understanding your Strengths and Weaknesses, and for identifying both the Opportunities open to you and the Threats you face." 

Pretty simple.......done!

As I was on my 18 hour flight home from Europe, I had the grand of idea of conducting a personal SWOT Analysis.  I figured I had nothing but time and no where to go, lol.

So here is it............

Strengths:
- God Fearing: I am a Christian and I stand on my belief in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I feel as though I do my part in ministry and attempt to spread the "Good News".

- Good heart: I'm uber compassionate to my fellow man and I hate conflict.  I truly believe that stems from my faith.

- Healthy:  I like to workout and eat healthy foods.  I am not into doing things that will decrease my life span. I have enough other medical issues (asthma, syncope, etc) to already do that, lol.

- Fun: I LOVE to have a good time.  I am willing to do anything at least once as long as it won't land me in jail or the hospital.  Most times I like to goof around, but I know when to be serious.

- Out Going Personality: I can make friends with almost anyone and have a way of making others feel welcomed.

Weaknesses:
- Lack of Risk Taking: I've never been to jail and I don't plan on going, lol.

- Low Patience: I have been known to have the "I want and I want it now" mentality when it comes to some things. 

- ADD:  I can get bored VERY quickly....

- Body Image: Like most women who have lost a considerable amount of weight, sometimes I still see the "old me" in the mirror and get down about my size/weight.

Opportunities:

- Getting Closer to God: As I strengthen my walk with God there is the opportunity for me to become the woman He created me to be.

- Open Minded: While I don't take many risks, I am open minded about a lot of things and I never force my beliefs on anyone about anything.

- Communication: I love to communicate in any and every form possible.  By doing so, I am opening myself up to meeting new people and creating new experiences.

Threats:

- My past:  It still comes back to haunt me :-(

- Optimistic Pessimist: I truly believe there is good in everyone/situation.  At the same time I am waiting for the "other shoe to drop".

- Out Going Personality: I am a people's person and I've learned that it can cause issues(s) in relationships.

So that's me.....would you invest?  Try doing one on your own and see what you come up with.

Adult ADD

Sometimes you know what you want and other times you don't.  A friend of mine stated he doesn't believe I fully know what I want.  I will say that I  agree with him in some aspects.  I have ideas about what I want both professionally and personally, but there are times when my focus changes.

For the past 8 years I have served as a Program Manager of the Civil Rights Program for my agency.  I do everything from process complaints of discrimination to training to reporting to Special Emphasis Programs.  At times I am challenged and I love it.  I love empowering employees when I train.  I also love the investigative side of things.  There are times when I feel unfulfilled and I look to change career fields.

I currently hold two degrees, a BA in Human Relations (profit and non-profit) and an MPA.  I also completed a Graduate Certificate in Intelligence Analysis.  As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I am also studying to become a Certified Personal Trainer/Group Exercise Instructor.  Most recently I thought about pursuing a law degree.  What can I say, I love school.

From a professional standpoint I have applied for jobs in other career groups.  It seems as if my list of degrees shows I have some sort of ADD.  My skills are all over the place.  I guess you can say I am a jack of all trades and a master of none....although I consider myself a subject matter expert as it relates to civil rights, lol.

Personally, I'm talking relationship-wise, I want REAL love.  I want the fairy tale...I'm a helpless romantic.  I want  the husband and a child.  I want to give this ocean  of love I have inside of me to one person.  There is SO much inside of me that it is hard to contain.

Now the qualities that he, my husband, possesses changes...often.  Since D-Day, I have been going back and forth about what I will and will not accept the next  time I enter into a SERIOUS relationship with someone.  Maybe I keep changing my standards because I'm learning that things are very different from the last time I was single.  I'm also learning that no one is perfect, myself included, and there may be no "perfect man."

Whatever the situation, my friend has me thinking.  When I was in counseling a while back I was given an exercise to write down my wants, needs and dislikes.  Perhaps I need to visit that exercise again in hopes it will give me some direction.....professionally and presonally.

What Won't Kill Me............Small Victories

I must say I am very proud of the progress being made in reference to my failed engagement.  I know this because yesterday I attended my friend's wedding without feeling depressed or angry.  As I have blogged before, I was once scheduled to walk down the aisle and live happily every after with the one I loved.  Then life  happened......

Every since that faithful day in June 2011, I have dreaded the thought of attending ANYTHING that had to do with weddings.  For the longest time I did not want to see engagement/weddings rings, dresses, pictures, married couples...ANYTHING!  I was too hurt because that was something I no longer had.  My heart was bleeding!

I remember a few weeks after what I have termed to be "D-Day," I was invited to a bridal shower.  I promptly declined and cried for days on end.  The bride-to-be didn't know of the break-up and I want to go into details about why I couldn't attend.  I sent a card and called it a day.  I lost that battle.

About two months later, I ran into a business contact and was asked how the wedding plans were coming alone.  I could barely breathe as I informed her there would be no wedding.  Again, I sobbed for hours in the middle of a conference.  Another battle lost.

Then came what would be MY wedding day.  That was rough!  I called out "sick" that day and stayed in bed.  I was not ready to face the world.  I was supposed to be getting ready for one of the biggest events of my life.  Another battle lost.

In April, I started cleaning out my closet at my mother's home and found my beautiful wedding dress.  Instead of going completely batty, I tried it on and didn't feel the overwhelming flood of emotions.....my first battle was won. 

In that same month, I found tattered pictures of my former life and was able to pack them away.  I may have cried a few tears, but the sadness that normally happens was not there.  Another victory.

I will say that yesterday had to be biggest challenge and victory.  I will be honest, as the beautiful bride walked down the aisle and later around the reception greeting her guest, I could not help but to wonder what my day would've been like.  The difference between now and 14 months ago is I held my head high and know that that wedding was not meant to be. 

My ex told me one day during the mist of a heated argument, "What don't kill you will make you stronger." I had no idea how true that that would be.  While I'm not sure how much longer this war will last,I'm glad I'm fighting!

 

A Letter to Myself...........

A year ago to the day, my life changed drastically.  The man I was suppose to marry, live happily every after with and I broke up for good; we were on again/off again for about a year.  On 11 Jun 11, he pulled the plug and my heart stopped.  I never thought I would make it this far...here is an open letter to myself. 

Hey BoBo, 

I know you don't want to hear "you will be alright" and "your life is not over right now."  But it's the truth.  In exactly one year, you will be alright.  I know you are hurting right now, scrambling to figure out what can do to make things better between yourself and Milky Way.  The truth is, there is nothing you can do.  I know you want to talk to him, get him to understand everything that's going on and make the decision to keep working on the relationship.  But you have to realize you can't control this situation; you can't control him.  It's not in your hands and he will make his own decision based on what he believes is best for him.

In the following months you are going to cry a lot, not get enough sleep and drop a lot of weight.  Your diet will consist of Raisin Bran and veggie chips.  You will miss a lot of work and have to enter counseling.  You will long for the days when the two of you got along.  When a joke could clear the tension out of the room.  Yes, you will suffer a mild heart attack, but don't worry....you are going to be ok.  

Over the course of the year you will do a lot of soul searching and realize you have some growing to do.  You will realize the part you played in the break-up.  You will understand that you have to respect the man you want to be with.  Learn to stop being so flirtatious even though you know you don't mean it.  Through counseling, you face the demon of needing attention and you must work on a plan to overcome it.  

Visiting the house that was once your home will prove to be difficult.  Especially when you find an empty condom wrapper in the bedroom or strawberries/chocolate in the fridge.  Don't over react.  Leaving Storm behind each month will be hard, but you will enjoy spending time with her. At some point, there will be very little tension when you visit the house and you can breathe.  You and him will be able to share a smile and even a hug.  

After a year, you will still be legally bound to him because of the house.  Yes, you will have a mediation scheduled on the 1 year anniversary that won't go through because he thought it was at another time.  You will see your growth because you won't get mad. 

You will see how God protected and kept you over the year.  How you went from wanting to die to living again.  How your faith increased and you became a slightly better person because of the growing pains.  How you are able to relate to others who have been through similar situations.  Your Christian walk will be enhanced.  God will be your closest friend and you realize this is all a part of His plan for you.  

Wipe your eyes baby girl and hold your head up.  I know it hurts, but you will be ok.  I promise.  I know because I've walked this road.  Even though things aren't what you want them to be, keep trusting God and know that He will give you the desires of your heart in His time.  I love you!!

- Ebony

P.S. God's delay doesn't mean denial.  I'm still standing.

Happy Bornday to Me!

Today I am 31 years old!  It was my goal to write a letter to my younger self, but it didn't pan out the way I would like.  I've been so busy this week with work, training, cleaning, dancing and other things that I just didn't find the time to do it.  *shrugs* Perhaps I will give it a go when my life slows down a little.  I don't want to rush it, as it will be very personal. 

I've learned a lot since my 30th birthday.  In the last 365 days I’ve witnessed tremendous strength, wisdom and growth.  The past year has been filled with growing pains, but thanks to God’s grace I made it.  I didn’t drown in the storms even when I wanted too.  Heck, there were times when I jumped in the ocean with no life jacket, but I’m still standing!!!  This birthday is a testimony.  I've lost some things, but I also gained some things.  My outlook has changed and I am growing.  There is no greater gift than growth and positive change.  God knows what He is doing. 

I’m looking forward to what 31 has to offer, as long as it’s better than what 30 gave me, lol.  Today alone has been wonderful.  The outpouring of love from family, friends, social media buddies and co-workers has made my day in ways they will never know.  As for my goals this year I have plans to take some trips, become certified in fitness and purchase a second home before my 32^nd birthday.  I’m really sitting here shaking my head with tears in my eyes because God is so good!  I’m SO excited for my future. 

Happy bornday to me! *dances around*

Oh yea, I'll lose these last 10 pounds this year...Lol.  #Team150PoundsOrLess

*****Update***** My birthday was incredible! Despite not having all of the events that normally accompany my day like past celebrations, I enjoyed EVERY piece of it. From a late breakfast to being in bed by 11:30. I was able to volunteer at Shepperd's Cove and hopefully impact the life of someone. I'm really growing up :-)

Happy Bornday to Me

Thirty….Years….Old……Holy cow, I'll be the BIG 3-0 tomorrow.  Yep, it’s my bornday and I'm UBER excited!!!  I love celebrating birthdays, especially mines, because it is the one day just for me.  I know there are millions of other humans with this same birthdate, but I feel this day is ALL MINE!

I didn’t think I would EVER get to this age.  I mean I’ve have several brushes with death, but GOD allowed me to live. Thanks JC!  My first thirty years have not been the greatest, but I’m not complaining.  I’ve had some ups and down, but I’m still here…..still growing....still loving....still laughing....still living.

When I was a pre-teen I had an idea of all the things I wanted to accomplish when I reached thirty.  My plans were to graduate college (undergrad), get a good job making $50k (lol), get married and have some children.  Then when I became a teenager my goals changed a little, everything was the same minus the husband and kids (lol, I didn’t want the drama and after watching a delivery in sex education I decided giving birth was not for me!) 

Fast forward to now….I graduated undergrad and graduate school, make good money (more than $50K), purchased a home and have traveled the world.  I guess I did good for myself.  I’m not worried about the husband and kids, I have new goals to accomplish *shrug*  I want to finish another degree, start a consulting firm, grow my relationship with God, and enjoy life.

I spent the first thirty years of my life living for others.  It was cool, but I want to live for me!  Do the things that make me happy, bring a smile to my face.   With that being said, it’s time to see what GOD has in store for me….Boy am I excited!!!!

HAPPY BORNDAY TO ME!