I.HATE.FAILING!!!

One of the things my family and friends love about me is throughout life I've accomplished all of my dreams. 

I wanted to graduate from college....done. 

I wanted to attend grad school....done. 

I wanted to lose weight....done. 

I wanted to purchase a house....done. 

I didn't want to have a child out of wedlock....done. 

I am a control freak and I am NOT afraid to admit it.  Dating back to childhood, there were so many things that I couldn't control that I promised myself I would control every aspect of my life as best I could when I got older.

Accomplishing my goals were hard....nothing came easy.  There were long days and sleepless nights.  Tears of pain and tears of joy, but I was able to control the situation.  

There is one thing I tried and failed at.........engagement.  Not actually going through with the entire marriage process bothers me.  Since it didn't happen, I really feel like a failure.

I failed him, since I wasn't the "woman" he wanted to spend he rest of his life with.

I failed my family.  They spent 6 years knowing this dude only to never be able to mention his name again.

I failed my bank account.  I purchased a home with him....not to mention the $1000 dress that I will never wear.

I'm reminded of this failure every time a co-worker, long distance family member or anyone mentions his name.  I'm reminded of the non-marriage every time I have to text him as a way of communicating until my name is removed from the mortgage.  I'm reminded every time I pull up to my mother's house, since I live with her now.

I hate failing others. I hate the reminders!!! I really do.  The constant reminders are putting me in a place where it seems like I will never fully move on and be truly happy.

That sucks!!! Being in this place truly sucks.  I feel like I have to overcompensate to show the world I am over him and to not fail again if I am given another opportunity at marriage.  It's a lot of pressure.