Where is My Strengthener?

And now my son's gettin’ older and older and cold/From havin’ the world on his shoulders - TuPac

That’s how I feel…..like the weight of the world is on my shoulder.  Last night I received some news from my mom about my uncle hat rocked my world.   She was on the phone crying and I was trying to calm her down.  I couldn’t start crying because it would only magnify her sadness. …I had to be strong.  When we hung up the phone I just stared aimlessly around my bedroom with a zillion thoughts running through my head and tears streaming down my face.  Why him? Was it true? Why wait 13 years? What is going to happen to him? His family? 

None the less I was talking to myself because I felt I had no one to call to tell me it would be alright.  No one to come over and allow me to cry on their shoulders while they rub my back.  After I gathered myself I started thinking why is it that the person who is always there and strong for others has no one to do the same. 

For as long as I can remember I have been there for EVERYONE! Friends, family, classmates, strangers, etc; I am always there to lend an ear, my shoulder, money…..anything that’s needed.  But when the tables were turned I was left alone.  My daddy left, I was alone.  My brother almost died after a fire incident, I was alone.  My heart was broken when my relationship fell apart, I was alone.  I was having a BAD day, I was alone.  I was diagnosed with cervical cancer at 29, I was alone.  My money was a little funny, I was alone.  The list goes on and on with one main theme, me being alone. 

It’s ingrained in my nature to be there for everyone.  To not complain when things don’t go my way, to help those in need, to forgive those who hurt me and still be there in their time of need.  At times I feel like this is a BAD trait.  Like who in their right mind gives so much of themselves to other and rarely gets anything in return? Can I REALLY be THAT strong? To support myself and others on this 5 foot 4 inch, 151 pound frame?

Strength is defined as one regarded as embodying or affording force or firmness.  Using that definition, I guess I have a lot of strength despite my stature.  I’ve been doing it for so long, its second nature to me.  I’m not going to lie though, I wish just once I had somebody like me to be strong for me when I need it.