A Summer to Remember

Wow!!!  This summer has been one heck of a ride for me.  This is the first time in years that I have been able to enjoy my entire summer. 

Let’s see……..

I was able to be Super Auntie to my babies, my niece and nephew, for about two weeks in June.  I had an amazing time with my bundles of joy.  There is nothing better than being an Auntie.  We worked-out, watched movies, played at the park, took field trips and cooked “kid” foods.  

There were days when I would come home feeling defeated from work or personal issues, but they always found a way to cheer me up.  My niece would tell me I was THE best Auntie Bobo in the world.  My nephew would cook me a healthy dinner, while him and my niece ate “junk”.  There were mornings when I would wake up to find them asleep on my bedroom floor.

I love them to pieces. 

My “love life” kinda picked up a little bit as well.  At the suggestion of a friend, I joined a dating website and met some interesting men.  Although none of them turned into a “boo thang”, I was able to hang out with different people and enjoy their company.  There were a few that stuck out and we managed to make it past two dates, lol. 

On-line dating also helped me learn more about myself and what I wanted out of a mate.  NC challenged my spoiledness.  He would really tell me “no” when I wanted something; it didn’t matter what it was.  DCPD pushed me to try new things and venture into DC a little more.  Since he worked late hours he would often invite me out to the DC night spots, which was cool because now I know some chill spots to visit. Taz reminded me the importance of being emotionally stable. 

While I didn’t do any personal travel, my workcation in Hawaii allowed me to relax when it was quitting time.  After a long’s day work, I would walk along the beach as the sun was setting.  Since there was a 6 hour time difference, I was able to spend a lot of time with myself and reflect on some things.  I overcame my fear of heights and climbed Diamond Head volcano.   

I accomplished my goal of running a 5K every month this summer.  I started run season with Pook at the Marine Corps Vet 5K in Baltimore in May.  In June, I ran with a high school friend at a local church 5k.  In July, I participated in an obstacle 5K with one of my closest friends and her co-workers in.  That thing was soooo much fun because not only were there obstacles, but also mud!  In August, I ran around Waikiki while on my workcation.  I have a few more races to participate in until November when I hang up my running shoes. 

I also played a little basketball, went bowling, started back dancing with GLE, and hit a couple of night spots for some dancing.

The house hunt was on-going and although they started looking alike, I learned what I need to pay attention too while looking.  I was able to place an offer on a lovely town home in PG County in August, so we will see how that turns out.

The summer was fun and I am ready to see what fall has in store J

Black Twitter Saves My Day

I'm SO tired of hearing about Miley Cyrus and her twerking at the VMAs.   As bad as the performance was, PLEASE let her live!!!!

What I find funny is that twerking has been around for decades, but is now considered a global phenomenon.  It is so mainsteam that ABC decided to do a special report about it.  

Well twitter decided to create a #ABCReports hashtag and here are the top tweets.

I hollered while reading this foolishness.  I needed the hearty laugh. 

Slow Down

Sometimes you gotta be still...take some time to clear your space. 

                                                                                            - India.Arie

I am constantly on the move. From the time I awaken each morning until I finally close my eyes to go to sleep, my mind and body is constantly on the go.   I head into the office, visit co-workers, handle complaints and take care of whatever else I need to do.  Once I clock out, I hot tail it to the gym because U feel like I HAVE to workout daily.  After my hour and a half to two hour workout, I go run errands.  I can go anywhere from the grocery store to the mall.  Once home, I cook, clean, shower and prepare for the next day.   By the time I lay myself down my mind, body and spirit is beat; but still running a mile a minute.

I rarely take time out for myself, for self care.  I don't stop and smell the roses...tend to my own garden because I'm too worried tending to others.  Removing their weeds, soothing their wounds, teaching them a new lesson.  

A few weeks ago a good Twitter friend sent me a text asking if I was still running myself into the ground. I chuckled at his question because I hadn't spoken with him in months, however, from our previous brief conversations,  he knows me.   A couple of days later, this same Twitter friend tweeted something along the lines of "Slow down before you kill yourself."  Feeling guilty I tweeted him back and told him to @ me next time.

  

Yes, I know I need to tend to my own emotional, physical, and physical needs, but I'm too busy being SuperWoman.  I feel the need to save the world, then I'll tend to myself.   I honestly don't know how to tend to my own needs......and that's sad.  

I'm so busy trying to run from my past that I fail to live in the present and unintentionally disrupt my future.   Perhaps I'm waiting for someone else to tend to my needs.  Someone to make me a priority.  What's stupid about that thought process is if EYE (misspelled on purpose) don't make myself a priority, then how can I expect someone else to do so.  

My new goal is to remove my cape and tend to the wounds I've ignored for years.  If I'm needed I'll still put on my vest with the "S" on my chest....but only AFTER I tend to myself.  A broken person can't be much help to another broken person.

Sleep

My mother loves to tell stories.

There is not a week that goes by where she doesn't remember something I did as a child.  Her eyes shine as she replays my foolishness in her head.  

One of the stories that she often tells me as I crawl in her bed is when she stopped letting me sleep in her room. 

I had to be about 7 or 8 and she had had enough.  I slept wild and would often kick her out of the bed.  She kept warning me that she was going to lock me out, but I didn't believe her.

Well one day it happened, she locked me out.  According to her I cried and eventually took residence in front of her bedroom door.  I did this for weeks.  

I just hated sleeping alone.....

One of the things I love about being in a relationship is being held while we sleep.  

When I'm asleep, I tend to let my guard down.....take off my Superwoman cape and be a woman.  I'm able to express my deepest fears without saying a word.

I feel protected.....wanted........needed........loved........free

I miss that feeling.

The Weight Is Up

**This is a frustration post**

I'm slowly losing my mind because I'm damn sure not losing any weight.  For the past year my weight has stayed between 157-163 lbs.  That may not sound like a lot, but it FEELS like a lot.  

My clothes are tighter.  

My legs have more jiggle.  

My shoulders are wider.  

I am fatter.

What frustrates me is that I work out A LOT! I am in the gym 5-7 days a week for at least an hour and a half.  Hell, yesterday I put in 2 hours and 43 mins between cardio and lifting weights.  

My eating is not the best....I have a sweet tooth.  But between all the time I spend in the gym I should at least lose a pound or two a month.  

This is insane!!!!

I know folks that workout, but drink and eat whatever they want, but somehow still manage to drop weight.  

I'm tempted to visit a plastic surgeon or find some weight loss meds.  I've been against it, but damn it, I'm tired of killing myself and eating like a bird.  

I want to be fit. 

I want to wear a size 6.

I want to feel smaller.

I want to be happy when I look in the mirror.

Kayne's workout plan is NOT working!

True Beauty

The Bible tells me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I was made in the glorious image of God.

God doesn’t make mistakes and I look the way He created me to be…..He loves my look.

I’ll be honest; there are days when I don’t feel beautiful at all.  I avoid the mirror and people because I don’t feel pretty. 

At times when I’m around my friends I feel like the ugly duckling because they are all so beautiful.  I seriously hang around some gorgeous women.

Angel has big, pretty hazel eyes that command attention.  Chrisna has the best smile and teeth that brightens up a room.  Kim has beautiful skin….it glows.  Lo has a collar-bone and dimples to die for.  Jennifer has the perfect face. 

What do I have???  A nice butt???  Thick thighs??  I can list each and every flaw.  Point out a negative for every positive.

A part of me wants to blame my father for not instilling in me how beautiful I was……but that would be too easy. 

It’s called SELF-esteem, not DAD-esteem.  I’m sure having my dad tell me I was beautiful would’ve helped, but I doubt that would change the way EYE see myself.  What others see don’t mean much if EYE don’t see it.

What’s the old adage, seeing is believing.  Well I’m working on it.

On the days when I feel less than pretty I try to look in the mirror and find something nice about myself.  I also remind myself of the above mentioned scripture. 

I’m trying to behold my own beauty instead of focusing on the beauty of others.

 

Big Heart

Since I was a young person I've always been told I had the gift of "helps" because I love helping others....especially those facing hard times.

For the pass two years I've put together some sort of charity event. Whether it was was coat drive or collecting canned foods, I enjoyed every aspect of the event from start to finish.

This year I have a few ideas and I'm realizing I need to get the planning process started. I'm afraid it may be too late for one of them.

Here are my ideas......

1. School supply drive....I think I messed up by nothing thinking to do this back in early/mid July. I don't have enough time to plan, market and execute tge event I have in my head.  I did ask the fans of Blessed Body Fitness to donate in their local areas and I volunteered to sponsor four school bags. That will have to wirk until next year.

2. HashtagLunchBag is an awesome non-profit that hands out brown paper bag lunches to local homeless men, women and children. This, I REALLY want to do. I figure if I start planning now I can collaborate with GLE and maybe the Fab Body Factory. Between the three of us there should be good turnout, which means helping more people :-)

3. A sock and/or blankey drive.  I don't even know how I want to execute this. Any ideas?

Remember that we were put on this earth to serve others. Find an organization or another way to give back.....it will make your heart smile.

Ice Cube

I'm realizing I like to be in control.....of everything. 

I like to control where I go, what I do, what others do and anything else I think can control.  I guess that comes from not having a lot of control over my life as a child. 

Well today I had no control. 

In my mind I had my Sunday planned.  I was going to get up, stream church online, workout with a friend, grab some lunch, go grocery shopping, prep my meals for the week and prepare for work. 

Yea, things didn't happen that way.

I got up, streamed church and the rest of my day was totally unexpected. 

A friend and I grabbed a late breakfast, did a little grocery shopping, walked around Savage Mill, grabbed lunch, went paddle boating and walked around Laurel Lake. 

While I hate not having control, I must admit I loved the change of pace. 

Today was a good day!

 

Everybody Get Up

Those that know me know I love to dance.  I will dance anywhere and to anything. I've danced in the street....in random stores.....at work....in the gym, mid workout.

One of my favorite R&B crooner, Robin Thicke, released my new favorite summer jam....Blurred Lines. The track features T.I. and Pharrel. The beat is a sample from an old Marvin Gaye tune.  The song will make you dance.  Like you could be mid prayer and will probably start dancing while talking to Jesus.

Ok, ok, ok.....maybe I would start dancing mid prayer....don't judge me.

Imagine how excited I was when Robin Thicke, The Roots and Jimmy Fallon performed the song with school instruments!  You know, the things we didn't really want to play with once we entered 6th grade.  I'm talking about the cow bell, maracas, and spoons!

 

Did you just get out of your seat?

I did!

What's so awesome about this besides the fact that I love the song is Robin sounds so good!  Not mention the faces the men were making while playing their instruments.  The dude playing the xylophone was the best! 

What do you think?  Do you know the line dance?

Thankful for the Painful Lesson

I broke my nose a few weeks ago.  I know, I know….poor me.   I’ll save you all the details, but just know I got into a fight with a 35lb weight plate and a fly.  

During the course of stopping the blood and cleaning up the weight area, I told my mentor I was 
done with my workout for the day.  I mean I had just completed 40 mins of cardio and about 30 mins of weight training.  I think I had satisfied government recommendations.   

After I applied a bandage to my nose and ensured the only way someone would know there was blood in the room was if they went through there with a black light; I told myself I could finish the workout. 

Then I told my mentor.....She looked at me like I had lost my mind.  She asked is I was sure….double sure….triple sure. 

I confirmed I was and we finished our workout.  I then went on to look at homes, complete my weekly grocery shopping and my meal prep for the week. 

It wasn’t until later that I went to a local urgent care facility and was told my nose was broken.  I was blessed to have a clean break, so no resetting was necessary.  

I was knocked down, but not knocked out. 

As much as I hate to admit it; that’s been my life.  

I’ve found myself in pain; be it mental, physical, emotional or spiritual.  Sometimes the pain was self inflicted, others it was not.  Despite my pain, I’ve always been able to continue with what I was doing, even when my initial reaction was to give up. 

I needed to be reminded of this lesson today.  I was minding my business, in a happy place, but over the course of a few hours I was knocked down.

The house I wanted, I don’t think I will be able to comfortably afford. 

A guy I was interesting in, I’m realizing has a lot of BS with him.

The weight I was hoping to lose is still here. 

I called my girlfriend, she prayed. 

I talked to my work mentor and she reminded me how far I’ve come.

I talked to my kindred twin and she invited me to her house for a home cooked meal.

I touched my still-healing nose and remembered I can handle the pain and full healing will come….in time!

One is Silver and the Other's Gold

My Girls and I ;-) We are always the best dressed where ever we go!

"No new friends, no new friends, no new friends, no, no new" - Drake

Oh, Drake seems to be a poor, misguided soul at times (remember YOLO!).  Earlier this year, the famed DJ Khaled produced a song entitled No New Friends featuring Drake, Lil Wayne and Rick Ross.

The premise of the track is only remaining friends to those who have been with you from day 1.

The folks that were in the trenches with you.

I personally don't understand or agree with this new mantra.  As individuals, we change, and in some cases grow.  If two people are changing/growing in opposite directions then what is the point in remaining friends with him/her?

I understand that building a friendship, a good friendship, takes time and effort from both individuals.  As we get older and gain more responsibility, we may not have as much free time to make new friends.  We may not want to open ourselves up to new ideas and new people.

That's BS!  By not opening ourselves up to new experiences, etc we are stunting our growth.  We are not allowing ourselves to reach or full potential.

In the past year or two, I've gone against Drake's wisdom and have made new friends.  These young ladies and gentleman have played integral roles in my recovering and growth from a traumatic situation.

One young lady has soothed my crying heart with prayer and Christian wisdom.  She has provided me advice, at times when I don't ask for it, which has helped me heal.  She has become like a big sister to me.

Another young lady has literally walked a mile in my shoes.  Our experiences are almost exactly the same. Through her blog posts and gentle words, she has aided in my healing process.  She has opened my eyes to doing new things.  We have laughed and cried together.  Danced and shopped together.  She is truly one on my closet friends.

Another young lady has gotten me out of the house.  She has shown me that I didn't miss out on the "best years of my life" because I was playing the wifey role.  She encourages me to "do me" and live life.  When we go out, it is ALWAYS a good time.

My new gentleman friend has been through two divorces and lived a long life.  He always reminds me to believe in myself and trust God's plan..even when I don't feel like it.

If I had followed to Drake's wisdom, then I would have missed out on SO many great people and experiences that have enhanced my life.

I'm lucky enough to have been a Girl's Scout when I was younger.  One of our favorite songs to sing was Make New Friends.  I'm truly thankful I'm living up to the Girl's Scout honor!

House Boo Shopping

I’ve expressed a few times on the blog my desire to purchase another home in the next year or so. 

I want to own a house that I can turn into my own personal resort……Where each day I open the door and immediately feel relaxed. 

I want a place my friends and family can retreat too when their world gets to crazy. 

I want a small piece of the state where I can host gatherings to watch a show, celebrate a milestone or enjoy a holiday. 

Home ownership is a part of the “American Dream”…..My dream.

But damn is it hard!!!!!  This is not my first purchase; however, this is the first time I am doing this alone.

There are so many things you have to take into consideration before signing your name on the dotted line.

How much are you pre-approved for….

What style of home would you like…..

How many bedrooms/bathrooms…..

Basement…..

Neighborhood…..

HOA fees…..

Access to necessities……

Property Taxes…….

Not only that, but most of the houses currently on the market are short sales, so you have to see what feels like hundreds of homes before you find a home in good condition.  Not to mention short sales are more like long sales because of the time it takes for an offer accepted by the bank. 

If you find a good home, you have to make an offer immediately!  The homes in “move in” condition are snatched up so fast, it doesn’t make any sense. 

It’s almost like finding a mate.

Just like purchasing a home, you have to take your needs/wants into consideration when dating and/or selecting a mate. 

What type of relationship do you want…..

What about his/her physical appearance….

Education or no…..

Religious/spiritual…..

Kids or no kids…..

Long distance or local…..

Lawd, help me!!!!  I’m in the throes of both processes; pray for me.

Keep My Name Out Your Mouth, Work Edition

I wanted to begin this blog with a VERY vulgar quote, but I thought better of it because I am bigger than that.....

I'm P-I-S-S-E-D! 

This year has been very difficult for me at work.  My name has been thrown around and put in more BS than I can ever remember. Ebony said this....Ebony did that....Did you see Ebony?  Like, really???  Is this middle school?

A few months ago my old office mate told my supervisor, and others, that she believed I was going to kill myself. Like seriously.  Yes, I was in a dark place, but not that damn dark.  Her statement lead to phone calls being made to family, referrals to the EAP, and some more.  I hate being under a watchful eye.  I feel like if I am having a bad day I have to mask it because someone might think I'm depressed and make a big deal about nothing.

Fast forward to March....Someone else put my name in the middle of a formal inquiry.  Let's just say that's not a good thing.  I hate being thrown under a bus.  Just because you are in some stuff doesn't mean you have to take me down with you....I don't even know nor like you like that.  Luckily for me, my name was cleared, but that still doesn't negate the fact my name was put in it in the first place.

Last week, an older black lady commented on my work place attire.  She said the "guys" were talking about me and she felt the need to provide a mentoring moment.  Apparently these men are unable to concentrate when I wear certain articles of clothing.  My initial response was "I really don't give a damb!  Tell them to stop looking at my lady lumps!"  Then I realized she was just the messenger. 

Today, my name was mentioned to the Chief of Staff in a slew of lengthy emails between some of the directorate heads.  I'm not even sure why my name was brought up, but yea.

I'm not for ANY of this. 

I'm fearful this will affect my performance rating and thus my promotion :-( 

I've already been told my marks will be lower this year.  I'm not understanding how that determination can be made, when there is still 4 months left in the reporting period.  I really don't think that is fair.

I have career goals set up for myself and now I won't reach them within the timelimits I've set.  I don't want my name associated with anything else, so I think I'm going to stay in my office.

Out of sight, out of mind is what I'm hopping for because I don't need anyone else saying my name out of their mouth.

Busy.....

There is SOOOOO much going on in my life right now.  I feel like I am running around like a chicken with its head cut off. 

I have several blog topics, I just have to find the time to write/post them! 

I hope all is well with you guys!!!

Repeated Commencements

Last night I watched my “mean girl” walk across the stage as a Long Reach High School graduate.  Her commencement was nice.  Three hundred and eighty-two young men and women took a step towards the beginning of their lives.  Some have plans to attend college/university; others are entering the workforce via the armed forces.

As the speaker, a 2004 Long Reach graduate, delivered a short, but powerful message to the graduating class I begin to reflect on what commencement really meant. 

Merriam-Webster defines commencement as to enter upon; to have or make a beginning. 

How many commencements have I had?  From an academic standpoint, not including kindergarten, elementary/middle school, I’ve commenced 4 times. 

In 1999, I graduated from Howard High School. 

In 2004, I graduated from High Point University. 

In 2006, I graduated from Bowie State University.

In 2011; I graduated from University of Maryland. 

That is a lot of “beginnings”…A LOT! 

As the speaker continued, I could not help but to reflect on the non-academic beginnings I’ve had.  The commencements without all of the pomp and circumstance.  The times when I made up in my mind that I needed a fresh start....A new beginning. 

In 206, my new beginning focused on building a love life for myself.  I entered into a committed relationship.

In 2009, my commencement was engagement.  I was planning my family life.

In 2011, my new beginning focused on healing.  My heart was broken and I had to heal/rebuild.

In 2013, my commencement has been geared towards restoration.  There are some things (physical, spiritual, mental and material) I would like to be restored to me.

I honestly think the constant beginning is a good thing….at least for me.  As we grow older, we change and start new chapters in our lives.  We strive to reach our goals and REALLY pursue our interests.  We realize there are some people/situations we have to leave behind, even though it may be painful.

For every closed door, another will open.  This restoration commencement is allowing me to come into my own.  I’m more vocal about what I will/will not accept.  I do the things that make me smile.  I’m learning more about the soul within me.  The seed that was planted long ago is finally starting to sprout from the concrete. 

Beyonce pinned it best in her new song Grown Woman, "it took a while, now I understand just where I'm going. Now I'm growing into who I am.....'Bout time I show it!" 

Let the commencement begin!!!

I'm Doing Me......................

Priority is defined as a preferential rating; especially : one that allocates rights to goods and services usually in limited supply <that project has top priority> or something given or meriting attention before competing alternatives.

I want to be a priority to someone.

I want to have the preferential rating.

I want given/merited attention before competing alternatives.

The last few months I haven’t felt like a priority….…Not even to myself. 

Everyone expects me to drop whatever it is I am doing and tend to them.  Their needs.

What the FUCK about me??  What about my needs, wants, dreams, aspirations? 

It seems as if no one cares about ME.  Somehow I also brought into that belief as well and stopped making me important so I can make sure others are happy.  It’s something I’ve done since childhood.

When my dad would hit my mom, I would make sure she was ok. 

When my MeMa passed, I was the one who ordered my mother’s cold pop and asprins on the flight….I was only 6.

When my brothers, mother, or father needed money, I would make a withdrawal from the bank.

When my best friend was heart-broken and needed her “Bestie” even though I was hundreds of miles away, I hopped on a flight and flew home.

When my best friend’s house caught fire, I opened up my home.

When someone needs a wakeup call, I wake up earlier to make sure they get up.

When my ex got hurt on the job AFTER we broke up, I tended to his wounds.

When my nephew needs clothes/shoes, I head to the store.

When my friends are going through, I pray for them instead of “storms”.

When my co-worker asks for my help with his eating, I go to the store to stock the work area with healthy foods.

But when I need something, it’s rare that someone makes me and my needs a priority.  They will get to me when they “have the time”.

I have to turn from this destructive behavior. 

I want to be number one in someone’s life.  Not their friends, habits, addictions, etc.  Me!

I want someone to treat me the way I treat them. 

Until I find someone ready and willing to make me a priority in their life, I’m going to make me a priority in my own.  It’s all about me….Just call me selfish!

Bargining........

So my real life kindred sister-friend wrote a FANTASTIC blog on negotiating/renegotiating in relationships that took me to church!!  I was “tabernacling” all at my desk. 

She wrote, "You need to find out what that person needs and wants from you, and you need to express your needs and wants. You should praise them for the great things they do, and respectfully explain the not so nice things you don't like, and let that person do the same. And if things are changing, say so. If things are going in a weird direction you don't like, say so. There should be no fear in speaking your mind respectfully in your relationship. You want that person to be happy and they should want you to be happy. Everyone needs updated information to do their jobs properly."  

Hmmmmmm.  Have I always provided updated information for my “employee” to do his job effectively?

No.  I haven’t. 

In my past three relationships I’ve been a bad manager at some point or another.  I placed expectations on them and “they ain’t e’vn know it”.  Because of my negligence, they were not able to live up to those unknown expectations.

Over the past two years, I’ve learned that I need to negotiate and renegotiate in a relationship.  Outline, in detail, what I want and am willing to accept.

The blog also stated something along the lines of “don’t put your relationship on automatic renewal.” 

I chuckled to myself because each month I would text the last young man that I dated and ask if he wanted to renew his subscription.  What I (we) failed to do was negotiate the terms of the original contract and subsequent renewals.

As I am navigating my way through this new-aged dating scene, I understand that I cannot accept just any offer. 

I have a general idea of how much I should be making and I am not willing to accept ANYTHING less!

I know my value. 

I know my worth! 

Saying It With My Chest!

Hey Dad…….

I have no idea where I want to begin, but I know I need to get some things off of my chest.  Let me start by saying that I will always love you, even if from afar because you are my father.  Nothing can change that. 

I’ve never fully shared these feelings with you because I didn’t want to live in the past or have my pent up feelings be the reason you decide to use again.  Addictions are hard to battle and I didn’t want that to fall on me.  But in the midst of me protecting your behaviors, I’ve neglected my own healing. 

I.CAN’T.DO.THAT.ANYMORE! 

You are a GROWN man and thus responsible for your own actions regardless of what you are confronted with. 

So let me be frank; when you and mommy divorced some 25 years ago I’ve always felt like you divorced me as well.  You walked out of our life and you never really looked back.  Yes, you dropped in every now and again, but the commitment to me, as your child, your only baby girl, was not there.

I felt like I saw your back, more than I saw your face.  Even when you attempted to see me on the weekends, you were never around.  You were out with your latest girlfriend’s family, doing whatever it was that “grown folks” do. 

I’m almost 32 years old and I don’t know how to receive love from any male figure because the one male I thought I would get it from was....You.  I don’t know how to let a man lead me or protect me or nurture me because I’ve never experienced it.

I’m so scared a man will walk out of my life the same you did that I either hold on too tight or I don't hold on enough. 

My own insecurities of not being enough get the best of me.

I was deprived of being “daddy’s girl”, the “apple of his eye”, his “beautiful princess”.  You never instilled any of those things in me.     

I was always told I was ugly and no one would ever want me because my daddy didn’t.  At first, I didn’t want to believe it and had the upmost faith that you would be a father……. But as time went on and you weren’t around to prove them wrong, their words rang true. 

Your absence turned me into a wounded woman.  There were nights when I would silently scream for you to rescue me to no avail. 

When I was molested right under your nose at the tender age of 8, you didn’t even notice. 

When I was ridiculed by your “new family” for being overweight, having kinky hair and scarred legs, you laughed.

When I was shoved so hard that I flipped over, you didn’t come to my rescue. 

When I shoved pills down my throat, you didn’t even visit me in the hospital. 

Where were you?!?!?!  Why didn’t you protect me?!?!?!?

For the longest time I wanted to understand why you weren’t around, but I never will.  I feel I will never be enough for any man because I wasn’t enough for the man who shares my DNA.

For whatever reason, you didn’t feel I was important enough for you to be around.  You wanted to chase your addictions.   I wanted you to be addicted to fatherhood.

It’s funny how my lack of relationship with you shows itself in my relationship with God. 

God is said to be my Heavenly Father, however, when I think of the word “father” I am unable to fully identify with the feelings of unconditional love, protection, encouragement, etc.  So naturally, my trust in God is low….I’m working on it. 

I forgive you for not being a part of my life, but I will not forget.  I can’t forget when so much of what I missed by not having you around shows up in my day-to-day interactions with men.

I had to learn the hard way how a man is supposed to treat a woman and I’m not even sure I have it right.  

I’m proud of you for kicking your habit. 

I’m proud of you for attempting to be there. 

I’m proud of you for reading this and not using again.

Love Always!