Down One

I'm scared.....I'm scared because I might not have a male best friend anymore. 

On the urging of friends, family and the fact we actually like each other, my BFF and I decided to date.  I was a little apprehensive because as I have blogged about previously, I didn't want to ruin the friendship that we shared. 

I honestly assumed we would have a GREAT datingship because we were such great friends. While things were not horrible, I don't believe it was what we both expected.  The first few months were cool.  We talked, laughed...had a great time.  Then the communication began to fail on both ends.  We didn't understand each other as much as we thought.  Ultimately, we ended things with an argument and a text. 

Now I am left wondering how do we get the "ole thang" back?  That GREAT friendship? Fun? Laughter? Caring?

I'm ok with losing the romantic side of our relationship because that allows room for the right person to come into both of our lives, but I don't want to lose my BFF. *tears*

Can You Tell Me How to Get To Sesame Street

I've had a rough few weeks.  I've really been on a roller coaster.  There is no other way to put it.

In the past few weeks I've experienced every emotion a person can have.  From depression to black out rage.  From like to hate.  From guilt to shame.  From relief to happiness.  From extremely tired to hyper active.

My workouts have not been as intense.  I've skipped meals. I've popped pills to get to bed or not slept at all.  I've purchased items I really didn't want or need.  I go straight to bed, regardless of the time of day.

These feelings and behaviors means that I have internalized everything that has been going on in my life (stress) and I am starting to make my way to Ebonyville beause I need a break.

Ebonyville was founded over 22 years ago.  It's a place where I can escape my reality.  A place where I can find some peace.  A place I know I am protected because I don't allow ANYONE in. 

N.O.O.N.E!

There is no police/fire department.  I handle those issues. 

There is no electric/gas company.  I'm responsible for finding light.

There are no grocery stores.  I hunt my own food, if I feel like eating.  Most times I don't.

I'm learning that Ebonyville may not be a good place because I really withdraw from society and cut off "real" communication with the outside world.  My phone is on silent and I'm not checking to see if I missed anything.  I don't log in to social media accounts, so there is no cyber footprint.

I have good reason for going to Ebonyville....I'm horrible at trusting people.  It seems I always trust the wrong people.  Almost everyone I have trusted with my most intimate, sometimes disturbing thoughts/issues/fears has betrayed me.  Without fail!

If I'm constantly betrayed, why leave the place where I know I am safe?  That's why Ebonyville exists...to keep me safe from those who intentionally or unintentionally hurt me.

One of my acquaintances said Ebonyville was "scary".  I guess it can be from the outside looking in. 

Ebonyville is a scary place.  I don't like being in solitude, but I hate being betrayed as well. 

I want to get to Sesame Street, but I can't seem to leave Ebonyville.

What to do????



Not Right For Each Other.............

Over a month ago I blogged about the beautiful plant I was given from a young man I had been seeing.  Well the plant died a few days ago and surprisingly so did our relationship.

He's not a bad man, just not the one for me.  It hurts, but I've been through worse.  

From what I know, we broke up because he felt like we weren't going anywhere.  He felt I wasn't growing more comfortable.  He didn't feel like a priority.  

I'll be honest, I wasn't totally comfortable.  There were things going on in my life I felt I could not talk to him about because of his attitude at times. He would pick on little things about my personality. Saying I live in "Disney World" because I think everything is suppose to have a happy ending like Disney movies.  

He would make fun of the relationship I have with my mother.  I talk to my mom everyday and I live with her.  If I'm on the phone and she calls, I tell whomever I'm talking too I will call them back.  She's my mom, whatever she has to say is important.  Now if/when I get married, that will change.  My husband will be #1, until then......

During the time we dated we were not intimate, even though we spent nights together.  Apparently not having sex by a certain time is a deal breaker.  We didn't have sex because I wasn't ready.  

He called me an over-achiever because there are times when I feel the need to go above and beyond...especially when it comes to exercising and my niece/nephew.  There were always comments about me doing too much.

There is someone out there for BOTH of us.  Someone that understands our way of thinking.  It sucks that we weren't good for each other because we had some fun times!!!  

I'll always love him, but now I know that sometimes it's just better to remain friends :-)

Sometimes You Have to Lose to Win Again......

A few weeks ago Fantasia released the video to her song entitled "Lose to Win".  As most of my generation knows, 'Tasia has been through a lot.  

She dropped out of HS, endured scrutiny for not knowing how to read, became a teenage mother, was sued by her father, went bankrupt, had an affair w/ a married man, attempted suicide and bore a child w/ a married man.  

The lyrics to this song REALLY sit with me; especially the course.

Have you ever needed someone so bad?

But he ain’t willing to make it last

Sometimes you gotta lose to win again.

If it makes you cry, cry, cry

And all you do is fight

Can’t get no sleep at night?

Sometimes you gotta lose to win again.

I've been there......

It's been well documented on this blog that I have been in the middle of a bad break up with someone whom I loved deeply.  

I needed him, he wasn't there.  

He needed me and I was no where to be found.  

I cried.

He mentally and emotionally move further away from me.  

We fought for almost 2 years as we went round for round on how we were going to settle our joint affairs.  

I've experienced months of sleepless nights.  

Well today, finally, we both received some closure.  

He was there and so was I.  

There were no tears.  

No verbal punches thrown. 

I plan to sleep well tonight.

We met to sign paperwork to legally dissolve our relationship.

After signing the Quit Claim Deed and the Settlement Agreement I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I turned over my legal right to the house we previously shared and in some part my GREAT credit score.  

It's not over yet, but the hardest part is complete. 

When we broke up I lost A LOT....I lost my will to live....I lost my self-esteem and confidence.....I lost my love for others....I lost my love for God.

But today.....TODAY, I got ME back.  I won! 

Sometimes you have to lose to win again.