Competing Scriptures

Competing Scriptures……….

I read a devotional this afternoon while eating my lunch.  The subject of the passage was trust God more and try doing things on our own less.  According to the author, you are truly surrendered if you are:

·         Following God’s lead without knowing where he’s sending you.

·         Waiting for God’s timing without knowing when it will come.

·         Expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide.

·         Trusting God’s purpose without understanding the circumstances.

I’ll be honest, none of this is me.  I’m not totally surrendered per those requirements, although I thought I was.  I’ll follow God’s lead, but I want to know where I am going.  I’ll wait on God, but I do ask “how long”?  I pray for a miracle, but I want to know if God will provide it in the exact way I want it.  I trust God’s purpose for me, but dang it, I want to understand the “why” behind it all. 

The part that really hit home and had me weeping at my desk was this:

“The supreme example of self-surrender is Jesus. The night before his crucifixion, Jesus surrendered himself to God’s plan. He prayed, "Father, everything is possible for You. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want Your will, not mine.”

Jesus didn’t pray, "God, if You’re able to take away this pain, please do so." He began by affirming that God can do anything! He prayed, "God, if it is in Your best interest to remove this suffering, please do so. But if it fulfills Your purpose, that’s what I want, too."

Genuine surrender says, “Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill Your purpose and glory in my life or in another’s life, please don’t take it away!"

What!?!?!? How on earth is MY suffering going to fulfill a purpose?!?!?  Like, I know myself and others will learn from the situation, but staying in it???  Like forever, ever!?!?!?

As I’ve been going through my storms over the past two years, I have NEVER asked God to NOT take away my pain.  In fact, I pray every night that he takes it away and heals my mind, heart and body. Oh, and I wanted it taken away like last year!!!!

I’ve never thought about the fact that perhaps God is allowing me to experience this pain, guilt, hurt, embarrassment and the such to help someone else.  My thought process was that my TESTIMONY will help someone….You know, the mess that turns into a message. 

Definitely, didn’t think that this is something I will go through until my death. 

I’ve always held on to Jeremiah 9:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Going through this storm for the rest of my life is not exactly how I interpreted the words “prosper, not harm, hope and future.”  My guess is I need God’s dictionary.  Or to get on board with His will for my life and suck it up.

The scripture is right; “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are His ways higher than my ways and His thoughts than my thoughts.”

Nobody's Perfect...............

Thanks to my blogger friend 29toLife, I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships.  You know, the normal things: how he make me feels, his character, what he looks like and the such.

I've realized that my "wants and needs" have changed over the years.  Back in my hay day, what I wanted was rather simple...He needed to be attractive, doing something with his life and make me smile.

Oh, if things were that simple now.  Over the past two years or so I've been attempting to become more selective about what gentleman I give my time too.  As I look back, it has been a serious struggle.

I've met an anti-corn syrup dude.

A convicted felon accused of attempted murder.

A nice southern boy who had "hand" problems.

A Air Force vet who had no idea what he wanted.....Two of them actually.

A 120% frugal cynic.

A alcoholic who drank and smoked everyday....Like no days off.

Despite there descriptions, the ones I actually tried to get to know had good qualities, but "something" was missing.  I didn't feel that sense of love, comfort, security, friendship......wantness.

Now that I am older and experienced various relationships I have a better idea of what I want from a relationship.  How I want to be treated.  The physical aspect doesn't matter as much to me anymore; I just need to be remotely attracted to him. 

His true character, who and what he is that really matters the most.

He needs to be a Believer in Christ.  He MUST have a relationship with God. There is no other way.  We must be on the same page spiritually.  As a guest Pastor said in a sermon a few weeks ago, "in order to build a better home we have to be equally yoked; just as we are equal in a relationship."  I want to talk about scripture, maybe do a few Bible studies, pray together.....

He must be respectful.  He needs to respect himself, me and others.  He must respect himself enough to take care of himself mentally, physically and spiritually.  He must respect me by knowing I am a woman, not a girl nor one of his buddies, so the way we interact would have to be different. He must respect others by not doing anything to purposely harm another. 

He must have a goal(s).  It doesn't matter what that goal is as long as it is something productive.  If he wants to open a business, pursue it.  If he wants to advance in his current position, take the steps to do so. 

He must be supportive.  I am a BIG cheerleader for those I love and I need the same in return. I need him to believe in me as I believe in him.  When I'm having a down day, his supportiveness will help lift me up.

He must know how to communicate.  I love to talk.  I'm a firm believer that miscommunication will ruin a relationship.  I want him to talk to me when things are good, bad and indifferent.  When I bring things to him, it is my hope he will actively listen and not become defensive if I take issue with something he has done.

He must want to have fun. As I have gotten older, I realize how much fun it was to be a kid.  I need someone who is unafraid to be a kid with me.  Let's go rock climbing, play putt-putt golf, painting, build playhouses and the such.  Not saying EVERY activity would be "kid stuff" because I do like "grown folk" stuff (romance, movies, dancing, etc) as well.

All in all, I want to feel secure, wanted, valued and young when I am with this man. 

These are my top 6 things.  Of course there are other little details, but theses are my must-haves.  What about yours?

Ok, so this song doesn't really match the post, but I love the message that's someone can be perfect for me :-)

I.HATE.FAILING!!!

One of the things my family and friends love about me is throughout life I've accomplished all of my dreams. 

I wanted to graduate from college....done. 

I wanted to attend grad school....done. 

I wanted to lose weight....done. 

I wanted to purchase a house....done. 

I didn't want to have a child out of wedlock....done. 

I am a control freak and I am NOT afraid to admit it.  Dating back to childhood, there were so many things that I couldn't control that I promised myself I would control every aspect of my life as best I could when I got older.

Accomplishing my goals were hard....nothing came easy.  There were long days and sleepless nights.  Tears of pain and tears of joy, but I was able to control the situation.  

There is one thing I tried and failed at.........engagement.  Not actually going through with the entire marriage process bothers me.  Since it didn't happen, I really feel like a failure.

I failed him, since I wasn't the "woman" he wanted to spend he rest of his life with.

I failed my family.  They spent 6 years knowing this dude only to never be able to mention his name again.

I failed my bank account.  I purchased a home with him....not to mention the $1000 dress that I will never wear.

I'm reminded of this failure every time a co-worker, long distance family member or anyone mentions his name.  I'm reminded of the non-marriage every time I have to text him as a way of communicating until my name is removed from the mortgage.  I'm reminded every time I pull up to my mother's house, since I live with her now.

I hate failing others. I hate the reminders!!! I really do.  The constant reminders are putting me in a place where it seems like I will never fully move on and be truly happy.

That sucks!!! Being in this place truly sucks.  I feel like I have to overcompensate to show the world I am over him and to not fail again if I am given another opportunity at marriage.  It's a lot of pressure.

Potted Plants......................

I received a gift yesterday....A very nice gift. 

The gentleman I have been seeing for a while brought me a potted plant.  Now I'm not sure if he knows that I don't have much of a green thumb, but the mere fact that he purchased such a cute "just because" gift means a lot. 

I find symbolism in all types of things; sometimes to my own determent because I tend to over-analyze.  I saw the potted plant as his way of reminding me of the growth we have shared, both individually and together, over the past few months.  We have both grown to accept each other's quirks and work together to see what could happen.

Potted plants last longer than a bouquet of roses.  Flowers die in a matter of days if not taken care properly, however, the potted plant is a little harder to "kill".

Potted plants require more attention than regular flowers.  You have to select the correct pot, place it in the right temperature, give it enough sunlight and water.  You can place a bouquet in any type of vase.  

One potted plant can turn into several potted plants as it grows...almost like a little family.   

It's funny because he called me when he was in the store, but never mentioned picking me up anything or asking if I needed anything.  For whatever reason I get so tickled when I am asked if I need something or if someone pick me up something while out.  It shows me that they care about my needs and/or I was on their mind. 

Our budding relationship is like this beautiful plant.  It's a lot of work, but I have the feeling it will be worth it in the end when the beautiful flowers bloom.....Or at least I hope so.