In Critical Condition

You ever feel like you've been hit by a car? That's what I'm feeling right now. I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the last four months and about 7 weeks ago I got hit by a drunk driver. Instead of dying on impact I survived, but I have SEVERE injuries.  That means I remember everything that happened and I have wounds that will take an unmeasurable amount of time to heal.  Just when I think I'm going to get out of ICU, one of my vital organs fails me and I'm right back to square one.  I want to pull the breathing tube out and breathe again, but I can't.  I'm not strong enough yet. 
The messed up part is the drunk driver survived with no injuries, no charges and is currently living his life while I'm in ICU.  He is out having a blast while I struggle to live day to day.  Everyday I'm reminded of the scars he caused and left to figure out how to go on........God I have a long road ahead of me.  I gotta figure out a way to live even though I feel like I'm dying.  A broken heart is the HARDEST injury to heal from. If i don't make it I want my obituary to read "Ebony died of a broken heart thanks to him [insert his picture]"

Balancing Act

Jody sent me a text message saying “I can’t tell you not to be a blessing because that makes you the beautiful person you are, but that doesn’t mean you have to take people’s crap as your own when you have your own needs as well.”

We were having a conversation about input/output in relationships, whether they are friendships, companionship, family, co-workers, etc because I feel as though I am alone even though I am there for everyone else.   He was telling me he got to a point where he had to start treating people the way they treated him.  Point blank, what you put in is what you get out.  He was saying if he realizes someone is constantly taking and not giving then it is time to cut them off and in some cases stop associating with them all together.  I called it being mean, he called it preserving himself mentally and emotionally.

Sad to say, but I think I need to start being mean.  I need to start putting my needs first.  Stop caring so much about others and focus on self.  Be an asshole if needed.  But what if my need is to make sure everyone else is happy?  What am I suppose to do then?  How do I change the focus to myself?  That is a SERIOUS paradigm shift.

For the life of me I can’t figure out why I am so giving….especially to those who have done me wrong in some way, shape or form.  I am a child of God and I know the Bible says be kind to your enemies and turn the other cheek.  In my right mind I guess that is what I am doing.  I also know the Bible says to protect your heart at all times and Lord knows I don’t protect it as much as I should.  I lead with my heart.  My mind can tell me to run, but my heart will make me stay.  My heart will make me forgive, nurture, care for the sick, etc.  This characteristic, in essence, is what makes me a beautiful person personality-wise.

But it’s a gift and a curse.  Being this way also causes me as much pain as it does happiness.  The old adage is “treat people how you want to be treated.”  Well that has not worked out very well for me.  Majority of the things I do I do out of love, expecting nothing in return except to be treated with respect.  However, as of late I keep finding myself with the short end of the stick.  Perhaps people think I am “too easy” or a “push over.”  I don’t know, but that is not me.  I use the word “no” from time to time and I do give push back when needed.   However, more often than not I am accommodating. 

Jody’s comments stuck with me, along with a few others from friends on Twitter about challenges and anything worth having is hard to get.  Now my value is OUT OF THIS WORLD, yeah I’m on some cocky ish, but I know I have a lot of value.  Just because I’m sweet doesn’t mean I have low value, but maybe that is just my take.  In this world I learning I need to develop a wall, or four.  The question is how do I do it?  I've been this way for almost 30 years, smh. 

The scales are tipping against me and that has to change.  I’m carrying so much others that I am tipping over.  I need a plan and I have NO clue where to start.  I guess the first thing I need to do is put out as much as it coming in…..Other than that any suggestions on how I can change?  I need some help……PLEASE!

Nail Obsession

Over the past few months I have been purchasing nail polish left and right.  From stores, nail salons, online, off the corner…..everywhere.  It started because I grew tired of having bare nails.  I wanted some color to show off my style.  So I started getting manicures, but after a few nails the polish would begin to chip.  My nail tech Lucy talked me in to getting gel nails.  Now I use to wear acrylics for a long time, but they did damage to my natural nails.  Since I trusted Lucy I decided to give them a try.  I loved my gel nails.  I could wear polish and not worry about it chipping.  My nails also began to grow very long which meant I could do more with them design wise. 

While on one of the social networking sites I read about something called shatter polish and I had to try it.  I ordered three shatter colors from Amazon and was hooked.  I started ordering OPI mini sets and shatter polishes every week until I had every color.  It got to the point where I was carrying my polish bag to the nail salon.  I shattered everything…my nails and toes.  I would shatter all my nails or maybe just four depending on how I was feeling. 

After a few months Lucy informed me it was time to get another full set.  Meaning I had to soak off the gel acrylics and get more put back on.  Now I had been seeing signs around the salon advertising gel polish so I told Lucy I would try that instead.  According to reviews it would not damage my nails like acrylics and the polish would last for up to three weeks.  Lucy gave me the standard manicure and proceeded to use gel polish to finish me up.  The outcome was nice!  I loved it!! My nails were shiny, polsih won’t chip and would be able to recover from the acrylic damage……so I thought.  After a few gel polish manicures I noticed my nails were thinning and splitting L I had no choice but to remove the gel polish,  trim my nails down and wait for them to grow back strong #Losing

It’s been about six weeks and my nails are starting to look healthy again.  They are still short so I can’t do much with them design wise.  I just keep applying clear polish until they grow out.  Once they get a little length I will be back to being a full fledge nail addict and I cannot wait.  Plain nails are for the birds, expecially during the summer time!

Not Guilty

Casey Anthony is a free woman.  A jury of her peers found her not guilty of serious charges.  There is nothing the public can do but GET OVER IT!  I understand the emotions of society are running high and a lot of people feel she murdered her own child.  The evidence didn’t support that theory, so the jury got it right.  All the prosecution had was circumstantial evidence and that doesn’t get the job done.  If in fact she did murder her child she has to live with that for the rest of her life. 

I’ll be honest; I don’t understand how they could not convict her of the child neglect charge.  She waited a MONTH before reporting her child missing!  A MONTH!  If my niece/nephew are gone for ten minutes I start to panic, but maybe that’s just me.  In addition to not calling the police, she lied to various people about where her daughter actually was.  That seems like neglect to me.  In no way am I judging because folks have different parenting styles, but there is NO WAY I’m letting my little child, if/when I have one, out of my sight.  During the time lil Caylee was missing, Casey was out partying and living the good life.  I don’t know how she did it, but it’s not for me to understand. 

News just broke that she will be released at some point next week.  All I can do is pray for her and her family.  I know this is a difficult time and I am sure folks are going to be coming for her.  They shouldn’t do that!  If they believe she is guilty so be it, but they can’t attempt to take her life or make her life a living hell.  I’m sure sitting in jail was enough.  We have to keep in mind she lost her child.