Jody sent me a text message saying “I can’t tell you not to be a blessing because that makes you the beautiful person you are, but that doesn’t mean you have to take people’s crap as your own when you have your own needs as well.”
We were having a conversation about input/output in relationships, whether they are friendships, companionship, family, co-workers, etc because I feel as though I am alone even though I am there for everyone else. He was telling me he got to a point where he had to start treating people the way they treated him. Point blank, what you put in is what you get out. He was saying if he realizes someone is constantly taking and not giving then it is time to cut them off and in some cases stop associating with them all together. I called it being mean, he called it preserving himself mentally and emotionally.
Sad to say, but I think I need to start being mean. I need to start putting my needs first. Stop caring so much about others and focus on self. Be an asshole if needed. But what if my need is to make sure everyone else is happy? What am I suppose to do then? How do I change the focus to myself? That is a SERIOUS paradigm shift.
For the life of me I can’t figure out why I am so giving….especially to those who have done me wrong in some way, shape or form. I am a child of God and I know the Bible says be kind to your enemies and turn the other cheek. In my right mind I guess that is what I am doing. I also know the Bible says to protect your heart at all times and Lord knows I don’t protect it as much as I should. I lead with my heart. My mind can tell me to run, but my heart will make me stay. My heart will make me forgive, nurture, care for the sick, etc. This characteristic, in essence, is what makes me a beautiful person personality-wise.
But it’s a gift and a curse. Being this way also causes me as much pain as it does happiness. The old adage is “treat people how you want to be treated.” Well that has not worked out very well for me. Majority of the things I do I do out of love, expecting nothing in return except to be treated with respect. However, as of late I keep finding myself with the short end of the stick. Perhaps people think I am “too easy” or a “push over.” I don’t know, but that is not me. I use the word “no” from time to time and I do give push back when needed. However, more often than not I am accommodating.
Jody’s comments stuck with me, along with a few others from friends on Twitter about challenges and anything worth having is hard to get. Now my value is OUT OF THIS WORLD, yeah I’m on some cocky ish, but I know I have a lot of value. Just because I’m sweet doesn’t mean I have low value, but maybe that is just my take. In this world I learning I need to develop a wall, or four. The question is how do I do it? I've been this way for almost 30 years, smh.
The scales are tipping against me and that has to change. I’m carrying so much others that I am tipping over. I need a plan and I have NO clue where to start. I guess the first thing I need to do is put out as much as it coming in…..Other than that any suggestions on how I can change? I need some help……PLEASE!
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