The Best of the Best

**Note: I was inspired to write this blog after reading a fellow blogger's post**

For a long time I thought the best friends had to be formed for childhood friendships, flawed thinking I know. I would always hear people talk about how they have been best friends with *insert name here* since they were both "knee high".  I never had that type of relationship with childhood friends....hell, don't even talk to 99% of them.  See I have best friends, four in all, that I met since HS.  Each one represents a time in my life and has had my back ever since. 

 

My oldest best friend, Nicole, I have known for 15 years.  We have had some CRAZY times together.....cussing folks out, double dates, Dru Hill Sundays, Club Fridays, etc.  Like most best friends we have also had fights and at one point didn't speak for a while.  But since we were REAL best friends we worked out our differences and moved on like nothing ever happened.  Over the past year she has had my back through difficult and I love/thank her for that. 

In 2000, I met this crazy girl named Angel at High Point University.  I will be honest, while we were roommates I could not stand her to a certain degree.  We were like night and day.  When I was sleeping, which was when I wasn't in class, she was up.  I was hip hop and she was rock.  We were really like oil and water.  I am sure I wasn't her friend either until we were no longer roommates.  She saw me through my foolish college years and ALWAYS told me the cold, hard truth about myself even when I didn't want to hear it.  She has been uber loyal to me and me too her. 

In 2004, I met Strawberry Bright aka Chrisna.  We were in the same graduate program at Bowie State University.  It's funny, we became friends because we both took great notes and were committed to education and staying in shape.  I have been by her side through major life experiences, marriage and birth of a child, and she has stood by my side with advice as I have faced challenges.  Nothing like someone to give you GREAT advice when I need it.

Last but not least, in 2005 I met my only male best friend, Paul aka PC, through FB.  I don't even remember how we came into contact with each other, but we had a lot in common (football, football and football).  From the onset he help me with KSAs, talk football and life with me.  He never judged me when we discussed life issues.  There are times when we go months without speaking, but when we do it's like we never loss communication.  He is an AWESOME man!

I say all this to say that no matter what challenges I face I have a GREAT support system that I can lean on when needed.  They have each impacted me in some shape, fashion or form and I am VERY thankful to God for putting these individuals in my life.  I love them much.  I suggest if you don't have a REAL circle of friends, you go get some.....Just not mine #Selfish :-)

Party with a Purpose

A few weeks’ two good friends of mine (Kevin and Jayce) and I decided we wanted to give back to the community in some way.  It’s that time of year when those who are facing hard times need assistance the most.  We all have really big hearts and are involved in various initiatives around the area.  We discussed the different ways we could help….Angel tree, coat drive happy hour, etc.  After little debate we agreed to attach the coat drive to Kevin’s birthday soirée.  In a week we put together a nice flyer, eventbrite and spread the world via Facebook and Twitter.  Social media was buzzing about the event; charity and partying with wonderful people GREAT people! 

The event was held at the distinguished Opera Ultra Lounge in Washington, DC!  The venue was absolutely beautiful and staff was very helpful in setting up the tables/containers for the coat drive.  It started at 8:30 pm with an open bar and free food.  Angel, one of my best friends, and I worked the coat collection table while Kevin and Jayce interacted with all of the guests.  Attendees were bringing in bags of coats! People donated coats for the entire family! It was a wonderful sight to see.  In the end we filled up a 50 gallon bin, 35 gallon bin and two trash bags!!!!! 

Once the coat drive ended, the party started! There were people dancing, drinks flowing, folks networking and just having a good time.  It was great to see young, black professionals have an awesome time in the name of charity! I really hope we can make this an annual event because the shelters in which we donated were extremely happy J  

Taking the time to make a difference is a humbling and gratifying experience! I pray everyone has a wonderful holiday season!  I know mine will be great because we were able to help others and sometimes that’s what life is all about!!!

Rehab

It's been a while since my accident and rehab is going..........ok.  My heart is still attempting to heal and it proves to be difficult at times.  On the flip side, I'm able to do somethings that I couldn't do at first....eat, sleep, walk, talk without crying, smile.  It may not seem like much, but it is!! I still have good and bad days. *shrug*  I long for the time when I have more good ones than bad.  I've actually come a long way and I know I have a longer way to go.  


I credit God for the strides I've made thus far.  Since everything happened I've had a ton of people praying for me and I even started praying for myself.  God is all I have as I go through this situation.  He is the only one that can comfort me in my time of need....comfort me when the tears won't seem to stop......perform a miracle.  I realize the miracle I want may not happen....at least right now, but I am thankful for the recovery process.  


I am of the thought there is a lesson in every situation and God is teaching me a few of them, even though they are VERY painful.  I'm learning and trying to take each setback as best as I can.  I can't end up back in ICU. They say things happen for a reason and God doesn't make any mistakes.  I have to trust and believe in that and continue to press on.

Unequal Justice!

My heart is heavy….even though it has been two days and almost all of society has forgotten how the US justice system failed us………….AGAIN!  This time the US Supreme Court had the opportunity to grant clemency to a convicted murder whose case has been shadowed by recanted witness testimony, police coercion, lack of physical evidence and confessions.  One would think that with all of “that”, there would be cause for reasonable doubt.  There would have been enough to grant a re-trail or at the very least commute his sentence to life in prison with or without the possibility of parole.  Instead the justice system chose to kill a man, not fully knowing if he is actually guilty.  They failed to realize if it ever comes out that he was innocent there is NO way to bring this man back to life. 

There are so many things about this situation that doesn’t sit right with me.  Now let me say this…..I am a Civil Rights Analyst by trade and have been for the past 10 years.  It is hard for me not to look at social issues such as this from racial standpoint.  A quick review of the facts is that this young black man was convicted in 1991 of murdering a white GA cop.  During his trail the state used only witness testimony to convict him.  The weapon was never found and the ballistics from the “alleged weapon” presented at trial linked bullets recovered at or near the scene to those at another shooting in which he was also charged.  He was convicted of murder and various lesser charges, including the earlier shooting.  The witnesses originally testified that they either saw him commit the crime or he confessed the killing to them. 

Fast forward to 2010…..seven of the nine witnesses have recanted or contradicted their testimony.  Some asserted they had been coerced by police.  Several implicated one of the original prosecution witnesses, Sylvester "Redd" Coles, in the crime.  Evidence that Coles had confessed to the killing was excluded as hearsay because Coles was not subpoenaed by the defense to rebut it.  In an August 2010 decision, the conviction was upheld, and the court described defense efforts to upset the conviction as "largely smoke and mirrors”.  He was scheduled to die by lethal injection on 21 Sep 11. 

Let’s contrast his case with that of a white man who was also scheduled of execution on the same day.  In March 1988, he killed a store manager during a robbery at the lumber company in Douglas County, west of Atlanta.  He had previously worked at the store, shot the store manager three times with a pistol, beat him with a crowbar and a pot of paint.  He pleaded guilty to armed robbery and murder and was sentenced to death the following year.  The Georgia Board of Pardons and Paroles made its decision less than three hours before he was to be executed, according to a spokeswoman for the state's prisons.  "After careful and exhaustive consideration of the requests, the board voted to grant clemency. The board voted to commute the sentence to life without parole," the parole board said.  "He takes full responsibility for his crime and experiences profound remorse," according to Georgians for Alternatives to the Death Penalty, an advocacy group, who welcomed the board's decision.

In this case there is NO doubt that this man took the life of someone else, yet he gets to live?  Is it because he showed remorse? Because of his color?  Because he killed a store manager and not a police officer?  As much as I hate to admit it, the justice system is not color blind as it ought to be, smh.  The entire world was outraged for various reasons the black man’s sentence was not commuted.  Petitions were signed, protests were staged, money was raised, e-mails/phone calls were sent to those who could have saved a life.  Instead they chose to kill a man, not knowing if he was guilty or not.

It is my prayer that Troy Anthony Davis is sitting in the heavens with my God.  It is not man’s decision to determine life or that, only God’s.  Those that kilt a man who may have been innocent will have to answer for their action on judgment day.  My Troy Davis rest in peace and know that his death was NOT in vain. We have the power to bring about a moratorium on the death penalty by voting out those representatives and senators who are steadfast on its use; by enacting the old saying that government is of, by and for the people I am Troy Davis and his cause lives through me…..I hope it lives through you as well!

Show Me Some Respect

It’s very rare that I actually talk about politics in a public setting.  Yes, I discuss things with family and friends, but never on social media because the conversation can turn ugly.  Since I work in the civil rights arena for the federal government, I feel the need to discuss the racial slander President Obama has been receiving.   It is very shameful and all I can do is shake my head at this utter foolishness.

Rep. Doug Lamborn, a Colorado Springs Republican, was discussing debt-ceiling negotiations on 630 KHOW-AM and said, “Even if some people say, 'Well, the Republicans should have done this or should have done that,' they will hold the president responsible," Lamborn said. "Now, I don't even want to be associated with him. It's like touching a, a tar baby and you get it.  You know you're stuck, and you're part of the problem now, and you can't get away." 

Really? Tar baby!? Is that were we are now?  We are still using racial terms to describe the President of the United States?  It was my hope that people would stop directing racial slurs at our President.  Yes, he is a black man.  What’s the problem? He was elected to sit in this position.  If you don’t like him or his policies why run for Congress knowing damn well you are going to have to work with him!?

Of course Rep. Lamborn’s camp went into spin control as issued this apology, "Lamborn was attempting to tell a radio audience last week that the president's policies have created an economic quagmire for the nation and are responsible for the dismal economic conditions our country faces.  He regrets that he chose the phrase 'tar baby,' rather than the word 'quagmire.' " said the statement from Lamborn's office.

Nope, sorry….unacceptable!!Own up to what you said and apologize directly to his face.  Don’t issue a bogus apology.  The two words sound NOTHING alike.  It’s a shame that the President cannot get an ounce of respect from his political peers.  Lord knows I wish he would just have a “ninja moment” on folks one day.  I bet you they would respect him then.

In Critical Condition

You ever feel like you've been hit by a car? That's what I'm feeling right now. I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the last four months and about 7 weeks ago I got hit by a drunk driver. Instead of dying on impact I survived, but I have SEVERE injuries.  That means I remember everything that happened and I have wounds that will take an unmeasurable amount of time to heal.  Just when I think I'm going to get out of ICU, one of my vital organs fails me and I'm right back to square one.  I want to pull the breathing tube out and breathe again, but I can't.  I'm not strong enough yet. 
The messed up part is the drunk driver survived with no injuries, no charges and is currently living his life while I'm in ICU.  He is out having a blast while I struggle to live day to day.  Everyday I'm reminded of the scars he caused and left to figure out how to go on........God I have a long road ahead of me.  I gotta figure out a way to live even though I feel like I'm dying.  A broken heart is the HARDEST injury to heal from. If i don't make it I want my obituary to read "Ebony died of a broken heart thanks to him [insert his picture]"

Balancing Act

Jody sent me a text message saying “I can’t tell you not to be a blessing because that makes you the beautiful person you are, but that doesn’t mean you have to take people’s crap as your own when you have your own needs as well.”

We were having a conversation about input/output in relationships, whether they are friendships, companionship, family, co-workers, etc because I feel as though I am alone even though I am there for everyone else.   He was telling me he got to a point where he had to start treating people the way they treated him.  Point blank, what you put in is what you get out.  He was saying if he realizes someone is constantly taking and not giving then it is time to cut them off and in some cases stop associating with them all together.  I called it being mean, he called it preserving himself mentally and emotionally.

Sad to say, but I think I need to start being mean.  I need to start putting my needs first.  Stop caring so much about others and focus on self.  Be an asshole if needed.  But what if my need is to make sure everyone else is happy?  What am I suppose to do then?  How do I change the focus to myself?  That is a SERIOUS paradigm shift.

For the life of me I can’t figure out why I am so giving….especially to those who have done me wrong in some way, shape or form.  I am a child of God and I know the Bible says be kind to your enemies and turn the other cheek.  In my right mind I guess that is what I am doing.  I also know the Bible says to protect your heart at all times and Lord knows I don’t protect it as much as I should.  I lead with my heart.  My mind can tell me to run, but my heart will make me stay.  My heart will make me forgive, nurture, care for the sick, etc.  This characteristic, in essence, is what makes me a beautiful person personality-wise.

But it’s a gift and a curse.  Being this way also causes me as much pain as it does happiness.  The old adage is “treat people how you want to be treated.”  Well that has not worked out very well for me.  Majority of the things I do I do out of love, expecting nothing in return except to be treated with respect.  However, as of late I keep finding myself with the short end of the stick.  Perhaps people think I am “too easy” or a “push over.”  I don’t know, but that is not me.  I use the word “no” from time to time and I do give push back when needed.   However, more often than not I am accommodating. 

Jody’s comments stuck with me, along with a few others from friends on Twitter about challenges and anything worth having is hard to get.  Now my value is OUT OF THIS WORLD, yeah I’m on some cocky ish, but I know I have a lot of value.  Just because I’m sweet doesn’t mean I have low value, but maybe that is just my take.  In this world I learning I need to develop a wall, or four.  The question is how do I do it?  I've been this way for almost 30 years, smh. 

The scales are tipping against me and that has to change.  I’m carrying so much others that I am tipping over.  I need a plan and I have NO clue where to start.  I guess the first thing I need to do is put out as much as it coming in…..Other than that any suggestions on how I can change?  I need some help……PLEASE!

Nail Obsession

Over the past few months I have been purchasing nail polish left and right.  From stores, nail salons, online, off the corner…..everywhere.  It started because I grew tired of having bare nails.  I wanted some color to show off my style.  So I started getting manicures, but after a few nails the polish would begin to chip.  My nail tech Lucy talked me in to getting gel nails.  Now I use to wear acrylics for a long time, but they did damage to my natural nails.  Since I trusted Lucy I decided to give them a try.  I loved my gel nails.  I could wear polish and not worry about it chipping.  My nails also began to grow very long which meant I could do more with them design wise. 

While on one of the social networking sites I read about something called shatter polish and I had to try it.  I ordered three shatter colors from Amazon and was hooked.  I started ordering OPI mini sets and shatter polishes every week until I had every color.  It got to the point where I was carrying my polish bag to the nail salon.  I shattered everything…my nails and toes.  I would shatter all my nails or maybe just four depending on how I was feeling. 

After a few months Lucy informed me it was time to get another full set.  Meaning I had to soak off the gel acrylics and get more put back on.  Now I had been seeing signs around the salon advertising gel polish so I told Lucy I would try that instead.  According to reviews it would not damage my nails like acrylics and the polish would last for up to three weeks.  Lucy gave me the standard manicure and proceeded to use gel polish to finish me up.  The outcome was nice!  I loved it!! My nails were shiny, polsih won’t chip and would be able to recover from the acrylic damage……so I thought.  After a few gel polish manicures I noticed my nails were thinning and splitting L I had no choice but to remove the gel polish,  trim my nails down and wait for them to grow back strong #Losing

It’s been about six weeks and my nails are starting to look healthy again.  They are still short so I can’t do much with them design wise.  I just keep applying clear polish until they grow out.  Once they get a little length I will be back to being a full fledge nail addict and I cannot wait.  Plain nails are for the birds, expecially during the summer time!

Not Guilty

Casey Anthony is a free woman.  A jury of her peers found her not guilty of serious charges.  There is nothing the public can do but GET OVER IT!  I understand the emotions of society are running high and a lot of people feel she murdered her own child.  The evidence didn’t support that theory, so the jury got it right.  All the prosecution had was circumstantial evidence and that doesn’t get the job done.  If in fact she did murder her child she has to live with that for the rest of her life. 

I’ll be honest; I don’t understand how they could not convict her of the child neglect charge.  She waited a MONTH before reporting her child missing!  A MONTH!  If my niece/nephew are gone for ten minutes I start to panic, but maybe that’s just me.  In addition to not calling the police, she lied to various people about where her daughter actually was.  That seems like neglect to me.  In no way am I judging because folks have different parenting styles, but there is NO WAY I’m letting my little child, if/when I have one, out of my sight.  During the time lil Caylee was missing, Casey was out partying and living the good life.  I don’t know how she did it, but it’s not for me to understand. 

News just broke that she will be released at some point next week.  All I can do is pray for her and her family.  I know this is a difficult time and I am sure folks are going to be coming for her.  They shouldn’t do that!  If they believe she is guilty so be it, but they can’t attempt to take her life or make her life a living hell.  I’m sure sitting in jail was enough.  We have to keep in mind she lost her child.  

I Love You

A few days ago I experienced death first hand when I watched the mother of my best friend transcend to be with our heavenly father.  Sitting in her room, watching the machines document her heart rate, pump air into her lungs, and fill her veins with various medications in the hopes of saving her life was enlighting.  I actually understood what people mean when they say “tomorrow is not promised”.  Mrs. Ashton was her fun loving self just days ago.  She seemed to do whatever it was she wanted to and lived life to the fullest.  Fry chicken at 2am? Sure.  Spend time with her daughter shopping? Sure.  Asking Angel how I was doing? Sure.  Travel to Rock Hill to visit old friends and family? Sure.  She did everything she wanted to and it is my belief that she did it without regret.

I also witnessed true strength.  Angel was STRONG! If there is another word to better describe how she is handling this ordeal then use it.  She sat by her mother’s bed side everyday…talking to her…singing to her…and when she was deemed officialy dead, she painted her mom’s nails like she had done a week or so ago.  She answered every question the hosptial staff asked, made decisions about organ donations, when to take her mother off life support and comforted her family.  She kept flashing her bright smile amist all the sadness.  Hell, she even asked me if I was going to be ok and let me know WE will get through this.  She shed some tears, like any child would do, but she exhibited true strength.  I pray that I have half of her strength if I am ever faced with a similar situation.

Since Friday I have been wanting to find a way to tell my loved ones how much they mean to me.  Granted I could call and probally should, but right now I can’t bring myself to do it.  I’m on a journey to Ebonyville for a while…..a lot has gone on in the past week and I need a vacation.  I figured I will use this blog to express my feelings because these words will last longer than any phone call.

Mommy, Daddy #1,Daddy #2, Andre, Lamont, Rechard, Tuna, Fatman, Michelle, Tyler, Grandma Moore, Grand dad, Grandma Sandra, God Mommie, God Daddie, Bop-T, Whit Whit, Angelina, Aunts/Uncles (too many to list, lol), cousins (too many to name),  Angel, Nicole, Chrisna, Sarah, Ms. Marshall, PC, James, Brandy, Kendria, and my GLE sisters I want you all to know I love you guys very much.  We have been through a lot and you have each impacted my life.  Tomorrow is not promised, but I promise to love you all forever!

My Physical Transformation

I posted a comparison picture of myself of Facebook a few weeks ago and I noticed a lot of "friends" are sending me FB messages asking what I did to lose weight.  A lot of people who have known me since high school don't really recognize me on the street anymore because I lost so much weight, 75 pounds to be exact.


Now I have always been a "chunky" girl.  Since birth I've had thick legs, hips, etc.  As my Mommy likes to say I have a lot of Calhoun (My dad's side of the family were ALL the women have small waists, thick legs/hips) running through me.  It's funny because I can't recall any of my cousins having a weight issue.  During my childhood years I was teased because of my size.  I mean I WAS wearing adult-sized clothes by the time I reached 7th or 8th grade.  By that time I weighed in close to 160lbs!

I remember in high school people coming to the football games to see the "big girl" on the squad.  Although I had weight to me I could still move....my jumps were good, minus my Russian :-(  It really hurt me that I was still being teased about my weight in high school.  After my second year of cheer leading I quit.  I was tired of the jokes and the skirts were VERY short on me.  When I graduated high school I was well on my way to weighing 200lbs.  I ate what I wanted and the only exercise I got was through dancing on the weekends when I went clubbing.

I went to college wearing a size 18 and didn't think much about it.  Yea, everyone around me was small but I didn't give a damn.  I continued to eat what I wanted and hot much I wanted. Secretly, I wanted to be smaller but I had no idea where to begin.  I was still being teased and after a while I just stayed to myself.  I would hang with a few people, but I didn't go out in public.  By the end of my junior year I was about 227lbs and wearing a size 24!!!!


I went home for the summer and noticed my mom had lost a considerable amount of weight.  She told me she started kickboxing at this place called Top Shape Fitness and I should take a class with her.  I wasn't feeling it, but because it was my mommy I went.  Top Shape kicked my arse that first day!  George was HARD.  He   called me out when I wasn't doing the moves.  I only lasted about 35 mins before I quit.  My mom kept encouraging me to go, so I did.


One day after class the owner, George, pulled me aside and asked me what my goals were.  I explained I needed to lose weight but I thought I was going to be big forever.  He told me to stick with it and gave me some healthy eating tips.  I looked at that sheet with the "Ninja, you tripping" face.  He told me to change my eating habits and take some more classes so by the time I start my senior year of college I would be 15-20lbs lighter.  I did what he said and I got results!  It was funny to see the faces of classmates who picked on me.

Since that faithful summer I have been exercising and eating healthy.   I went from about 225lbs to a thick 152lbs.  I give credit to God, my mom, George and everyone who encouraged me!  My current regimen is working out six days a week and eating a low carb/fat diet.  I try to eat protein with every meal.  I try to stay away from fast foods and sweets since those are my weaknesses, but I do indulge from time to time.  I'm extremely active and wouldn't have it any other way.   

I'm very proud of my story and someday I hope to open a business in which I help people reach there healthy lifestyle goals.  It's not completely about the numbers on the scale, but more so about your overall health and how you feel inside.  It may have taken me years to shed the weight, but I feel AWESOME!!! #TeamFit all day!

Dear Summer.............

I have no clue what I am going to do with the large amount of free time I have on my hands.   Unlike previous years I have no football, Auntie/nephew time, relationship, work related travel or second job to occupy my summer months.  This year it looks like it’s going to be me, myself and I.  Granted I do have school, but not really.  I’m enrolled in an independent study course and I only have one paper to write.  I also have GLE, but after our show in July there is not much scheduled.

Due to the NFL lockout I can’t read about free agent signings, OTAs, and training camps.  I can’t start talking trash and researching who I would like to draft on my fantasy football team.  Instead, I am praying an NFL CBA is reached so that at least a part of the season is saved.  Maybe I can watch the NFL Network to get my football fix.  Granted, they show old games but football is football……..Ok, no not really.  I never realized how much free time I actually spent on football until now.  Maybe I’ll just follow the CFL *sigh*

My Fatman is 10 years old going on 18. He doesn’t want to spend time with his Auntie anymore.  Now he is into swimming, riding his bike, playing with neighborhood friends and attending summer classes that are not really summer classes.  Frankly, he has no time for me.  We use to go places and have fun.  Guess it is all a part of him growing up.  Gosh I wish he was younger again.    The only time I will see him is when he needs something….clothes, shoes, money, a ride, etc.  Smh.

My dating life SUCKS!  I’ve been single for quite some time now and it doesn’t seem like my status will be changing anytime soon.  I understand it’s the summer and love connections are not made until the fall comes….everyone has to find that Winter Boo, lol.  I’m cool with not having a boyfriend, but I do want to date this summer.  Not just regular dates either….going to dinner/movies is for the birds!! I want to do something fun!!! Jet Ski at Ocean City, visit downtown DC, indoor/outdoor go karting, a trip to Kings Dominion on a nice summer day, roller skating…you get my drift.

Thanks to Congress and the budget standoff, there is not much on the horizon for work-related travel.  Last year it was Hawaii.  Year before that was Japan and Guam. Year before that was Cali and Hawaii….you see where I am going.  This year I get Norfolk and Palm Desert, CA.  Oh what joy *side eye* Granted I was visiting all of these wonderful places on the government’s dime and I was working! But I was also able to enjoy the areas I was in.  My week in Norfolk won’t be too and since I might be able to see a few friends and I plan to chill at the spa in Cali.  When life gives you lemons….add some ingredients and make cupcakes from scratch, lol. 

For years I worked between 2-3 jobs like I was part Jamaican.  I worked for the government, a bank and a community center all at the same time.  Yes, I am a real life Super Woman! *dons cape* Last year I quit the part-times jobs so I could have more free time and minister with GLE.  Joining GLE was one of the best decisions of my life, but I miss my part time jobs…..especially working at the bank.  To be honest I’ve been thinking about getting another one, I just don’t know what I want to do. 

With all this free time I guess I will continue to work out, blog, go to church and try to stay out of trouble.  When I have a lot of free time on my hands I become a member of the ninja coon society, lol.  I pray that doesn’t happen this year.

Could've Been Worse

A few days a week I hit up the gym for a quick workout since I am trying to be healthy and lose some weight.  Today was my first lunch workout of the week due to my workload and some other things.  I absolutely have to work out to music.  There is NO way I can get through a workout without any music or sound for that matter.  As always my iPod is on shuffle and plays every song in my library.  While I was on the elliptical Lyfe Jenning’s “Could’ve Been Worse” blasted through my earphones.  Now normally I just listen o the beats of the song and continue to work out.  For some reason today I actually listened to the lyrics and started to reflect on the things that have happened in my life and how they could’ve been worse.

The course of the songs goes:

And he said remember when you were sick and you got better, remember I put your family back together, remember I could have cut you off forever.
So no matter how bad you think it hurts.

It could've been worse, you could've been dead.
You could've been paralyzed, confined to a bed.
You could've lost everything, you should've lost everything.
But somebody’s watching you, and gave you another chance.

The words got me thinking about my life and my walk with God.  My life thus far has not been the best and surely not the worse.  I’ve been blessed to see 30 years on this earth and I have experienced the joys, pains, ups and downs of life.  God has blessed me with loving family/friends, employment, nice home, working vehicle, education, clothes, food ------ you get where I’m going. Granted He has also allowed me to experience mental/physical/emotional pain, low self-esteem, rape, illness, abandonment and some other things but as Lyfe sings, it could’ve been worse. 

He could’ve ended my story when I attempted to overdose on prescription meds or He could’ve let my cancer go undetected by my doctor or He could’ve let me fall off that bridge overseas.  There are so many things that could’ve happen, but God didn’t let it. The Bible says “I will never leave you nor forsake you…”  And in 30 years He hasn’t. 

I’m a walking testament to God’s love for those who call on His name and accept Him as his/she personal savior.  In my life I have been down, but NEVER out.  He has been there for me even when I didn’t want Him to be.  When I wanted to wallow in my pain and die He didn’t leave me.  He put angels around me to ensure I didn’t end the works He started in me when I first became saved as a child.  What an AWESOME God I serve. 

Lyfe goes on to sing:

You only got to God to complain but have you ever went to Him to just say thanks.

As I’ve grown closer to God I realize the importance of saying thank you to someone who does things He doesn’t have too.  I’m thankful to Him for my trails, my successes, happy times and sad times.  I know He is using these things to make me a stronger person in Christ and fully trust in Him.  I have a long way to go until I become the woman He wants me to be and at times its hard but I always remember it could’ve been worse. Thanks J.C.!!!!

Happy Bornday to Me

Thirty….Years….Old……Holy cow, I'll be the BIG 3-0 tomorrow.  Yep, it’s my bornday and I'm UBER excited!!!  I love celebrating birthdays, especially mines, because it is the one day just for me.  I know there are millions of other humans with this same birthdate, but I feel this day is ALL MINE!

I didn’t think I would EVER get to this age.  I mean I’ve have several brushes with death, but GOD allowed me to live. Thanks JC!  My first thirty years have not been the greatest, but I’m not complaining.  I’ve had some ups and down, but I’m still here…..still growing....still loving....still laughing....still living.

When I was a pre-teen I had an idea of all the things I wanted to accomplish when I reached thirty.  My plans were to graduate college (undergrad), get a good job making $50k (lol), get married and have some children.  Then when I became a teenager my goals changed a little, everything was the same minus the husband and kids (lol, I didn’t want the drama and after watching a delivery in sex education I decided giving birth was not for me!) 

Fast forward to now….I graduated undergrad and graduate school, make good money (more than $50K), purchased a home and have traveled the world.  I guess I did good for myself.  I’m not worried about the husband and kids, I have new goals to accomplish *shrug*  I want to finish another degree, start a consulting firm, grow my relationship with God, and enjoy life.

I spent the first thirty years of my life living for others.  It was cool, but I want to live for me!  Do the things that make me happy, bring a smile to my face.   With that being said, it’s time to see what GOD has in store for me….Boy am I excited!!!!

HAPPY BORNDAY TO ME!

My Mini Me

Although I don’t have children of my own I find myself drawn to children of all ages.  Now I have two nieces, two nephews and a little brother.   But I also have around four God children and a host of nieces and nephews who are of no relation.  I treat these children as if they were my own and support them in any way I can.  I buy shoes, gifts, school supplies; attend special events and provide adult guidance when needed. 

A few weeks ago while attending my weekly DanceWorks class in Columbia I met a 14 year old girl named A.  I’m not sure what it was, but we took to each other instantly and by the end of class everyone was calling her my “mini me.”   She loves to dance, very smart, watches football/basketball and has a quick mouth J  Yea, she is just like me!   She even forgets to take the tags off her clothes like me, lol.  My mom said she acts the same way I did when I was her age. 

Mini Me asked me for my cell phone number to keep in touch.  I figured she was just being friendly, as I was at that age, but she was serious.  In the few weeks since we met we have developed something like a big/little sister relationship.   She calls and texts me about school, friends, dance, etc.   Just the other night we were discussing Dwight Howard, whom we both think is VERY attractive.  She was saying she was going to come with me to NBA All-Star weekend so she can see our “boo.”  That is soooo funny to me.  Anyway, when the magic were losing in game 6 of the NBA playoffs she sent me a text message saying Howard needed to step up and play before they lose the series.  The funny thing was I was about to text her with the same message.  When the game was over I sent her a text saying I was going to Orlando to comfort Howard and she responded I was really her “Big Me” J

Guess I have another child to add to my list.  She is the oldest, so this will be a little different.  I can already see her asking to stay at my house, go shopping, etc.  It makes me happy to play a positive role in the life of a teenager when the society has so many bad role models. 

Where is My Strengthener?

And now my son's gettin’ older and older and cold/From havin’ the world on his shoulders - TuPac

That’s how I feel…..like the weight of the world is on my shoulder.  Last night I received some news from my mom about my uncle hat rocked my world.   She was on the phone crying and I was trying to calm her down.  I couldn’t start crying because it would only magnify her sadness. …I had to be strong.  When we hung up the phone I just stared aimlessly around my bedroom with a zillion thoughts running through my head and tears streaming down my face.  Why him? Was it true? Why wait 13 years? What is going to happen to him? His family? 

None the less I was talking to myself because I felt I had no one to call to tell me it would be alright.  No one to come over and allow me to cry on their shoulders while they rub my back.  After I gathered myself I started thinking why is it that the person who is always there and strong for others has no one to do the same. 

For as long as I can remember I have been there for EVERYONE! Friends, family, classmates, strangers, etc; I am always there to lend an ear, my shoulder, money…..anything that’s needed.  But when the tables were turned I was left alone.  My daddy left, I was alone.  My brother almost died after a fire incident, I was alone.  My heart was broken when my relationship fell apart, I was alone.  I was having a BAD day, I was alone.  I was diagnosed with cervical cancer at 29, I was alone.  My money was a little funny, I was alone.  The list goes on and on with one main theme, me being alone. 

It’s ingrained in my nature to be there for everyone.  To not complain when things don’t go my way, to help those in need, to forgive those who hurt me and still be there in their time of need.  At times I feel like this is a BAD trait.  Like who in their right mind gives so much of themselves to other and rarely gets anything in return? Can I REALLY be THAT strong? To support myself and others on this 5 foot 4 inch, 151 pound frame?

Strength is defined as one regarded as embodying or affording force or firmness.  Using that definition, I guess I have a lot of strength despite my stature.  I’ve been doing it for so long, its second nature to me.  I’m not going to lie though, I wish just once I had somebody like me to be strong for me when I need it.   

Locked Out?

So the NFL released the 2011-2012 regular season schedule this evening in normal over the top fashion on ESPN.  Normally I am extremely, I mean extremely excited about the potential matchups and the upcoming season.  I love to see who opens the season, who the defending champs will play, etc.  This year, I could care less!  As a fan and season ticket holder, my main concern is this lock out nonsense......not the damn schedule.  Some of these games may never take place because the owners and players are acting like spoiled rich kids and cannot agree of a number of terms.  If there is a season, the games that do take place will be played by replacements, which is another issue.

Let’s look at this lock out business for a second.  By mid-March the parties involved could not reach an agreement so the players dissolved their union and the owners locked them out....easy enough.  But what exactly are they fighting about?  It seems the owners basically want to keep more of the revenue, extend the season by 2 games, set a rookie paying scale and possibly tweak the current health care system.  On the other hand, the players want to keep the terms of the last CBA or get more of the revenue, better health care, not extend the season without additional payment and some other things.  Seems like they are both fighting about the same things, they are just not sure how it should go. 

Now both parties say they are negotiating in good faith, but I just don’t see it.  Owners want to extend the season, but not give the players more money.  Players want better health care, but not willing to invest in an actual health care plan.  Since they could not solve this issue on their own a federal mediator had to be called in to get both sides to talk….really??!?  The country is dealing with wars, recession, natural disasters, etc and taxpayer money is being sent on a mediator for this mess!  Both sides need to “man-up” and get it together.  There is an NFL season that needs to be players....selfish I know....sue me!

I feel as though the owners are coming out as the victors in this situation.  The owners will get paid even if there is no season because of the television contracts, which are guaranteed.  They knew what they were doing when they negotiated those contracts a few years back.  Many believe the owners have been planning for this lock out for a few years and I agree.  If there is no season, there is little cost to the teams.  They will not have to pay players, assistant coaches, trainers, groundsman, etc.  The amount they receive from the TV contracts will easily offset the amount of money it takes to keep the team “operating”.  Not to mention the revenue generated from season ticket sales and rental of the stadium for concerts, parties, events, etc.  If the owners do use replacement players the total value of those contracts would not be much.  There are so many guys looking to get on a team they would accept very little pay and minimal health benefits. Again, the owners would be "WINNING" (In my Charlie Sheen voice)!

Despite the lock-out, Dan Snyder have been deducting my checking account on a monthly basis to cover the price of my season ticket.  I am very interested to see what ownership will do if all 8 home regular season games don't go as planned.  I'm GOING to want my money back....refund PLEASE!  Honestly, after shoving out ALL of that money to the team I don’t want to see no damn walk-ons!  Sorry, that is un-a damn-cceptable to me!  It would be like watching semi-pro football, no disrespect.   If I’m paying NFL prices, I want to see the Chris Cooleys, London Flectchers and Brian Orakpos of the league.  Not “Lil Mike and dem" from around the corner.  No sir!!!  I understand it will give our local athletes a chance to shine, but I should NOT have to pay regular price.  Discount players = discount tickets. 

Right now the owners have the keys to open the doors and end the lockout.  I pray they do so soon!  I have no idea what I will do with my Sundays, Mondays and some Thursdays without NFL games to watch…..You guys might want to check on me if the season doesn't go down!

Closure

 Closure: an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality (Merriam Webster)

Have you ever wondered why you and someone no longer speak or why things didn’t work out? I find myself doing it ALL the time.  “Why are me and (insert name) not friends anymore?  We were so cool in college.”  “Why did me and (insert male/female name) not work out? Things were going so well and then things went south.”  Now I totally understand the concept of “growing apart” and people are in your life for a “reason, season or lifetime.”  But still, there is something about not having proper closure that bothers me.

Perhaps it is because I use every situation as a learning experience.  I learn things about myself and others, hence allowing me to grow and not hold on to much baggage.  Lord knows, I already have enough “bags” (bitterness) already.  Or maybe it’s because when I was growing up I never quite received the closure I needed from my dad about why he left?  I don’t know…..it’s just something about closure that I like. It does not matter in what form the closure comes in…email, face-to-face, phone, text, Skype, whatever!! *shrug*

For a while I carried a lot of baggage because of the lack of relationship I had with my father.  I was never able to experience being a “daddy’s girl”.  Him and my mother separated when I was 6 years old and from that point on he was in and out of my life.  There were no talks about boys, teaching me how to change a tire/oil, interrogating dates, him telling me how beautiful I was….none of that.  For a while that REALLY bothered me, there was a void that needed to be filled.  Thank God for my step-father!  While he didn’t do everything, he filled in quite nicely….Thanks dad!!! And what he didn't know/do my God father did, so I was straight :-)

In almost every relationship I have been in there has been some sort of closure and for the most part we are able to remain cool if not friends.  I am not an arguer (but I will debate you to death, lol) and I like to end things on good terms.  There is no need for yelling, cussing, fighting, etc.....that is so 9^th grade.  Having that closure conversation allows both parties to get out any emotions and answer any “what-if” questions. 

There are a couple of situations I have going on right now in which I would love some closure….I requested it, let’s see if it happens….

What are your thoughts on closures? Have you ever been in a situation in which you did not get it?  How did you get over the failed relationship?

I Smile :-)

For the first time in what feels like weeks I woke up with a smile on my face and renewed energy! It is a miracle!!!  For the past few months my life has been on a serious roller coaster; full of twists, loops, and rough riding.  I'm not sure what changed between the time I fell asleep and when I woke up, but I am grateful to God for it!  It was so funny that one of my Twitter friends noticed a change in my tweets?  Was I that bad?!? 

Well I'm attributing the change in my mood to God and no one else!!! I pray I stay this way...Back to being Blaque Rose and not Toy!  I'll have to explain the two sides of me in another post.  I gotta get back to work! 

Have a great one and remember, YOU LOOK SO MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU SMILE :-)

The Coach

Ahhh, so you want to read the playbook??  Well first let me introduce you to the Coach.....me.  To sum it up, I'm simply complex. *shurg* I'm a former militray brat with roots stretching from Germany to MD.  Some say I have a slight "southern" charm, but I will let you be the judge.  I am a lover of God, family, knowledge (education), sports (football/basketball), shoes (all types), fitness, adventure and a host of other things. I believe in organized choas, which are my thoughts on any subject, at any given time.  When put to paper, you have my playbook!