I'm going to be honest, I'm a great actress. Some may even call me phenomenal. I have a way of playing the role that everything in my life is ok. My mask is flawless.
I can keep this acting thing up for weeks...even months and some would never guess that it is all a facade. I'm just reading from the script of what my life is supposed to be.
If you know me, then you know it's rare for me to yell, curse, scream, say anything negative about anyone or myself. That's how it appears...on the inside I'm cussing and fussing.
I've been acting for so long that I think the person in the mirror is really me...that I'm living the life I've always wanted. Well last night I took my mask off.
Looking back at me was someone I didn't recognize. A young girl with emotional and spiritual wounds that won't seem to heal no matter how hard I pray. A woman who may never get married or have a child(ren). A young person who feels like giving up.
Yes, I'm great at encouraging others, that's what actresses do....but for myself, not so much.
I'm tired of acting, but I can't stand the reality of my life......I just wish the credits would roll.
Today is a special day for me....Christ was born!!!! As a Christian, this day means so much more than giving gifts and eating good food. This was the day that God gave His only Son so my sins could be forgiven. There is no better gift than that.
In return I give Him my heart! I will strive to be obedient and trustworthy to His word while offering up praise and sacrifice. I'm SO grateful to the birth of Christ....He is the only Hope I know!
Over the past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection.It’s the end of another year and I like to look back to see where I am made some gains and what areas I am not.
Besides coming to terms with my OCD/emotional eating issue, I realized I also have a trust issue.In my previous blog I mention that I really don’t trust anyone enough to be my other gun…I really don’t.Honestly, even if I can see you I don’t trust you.
Trust is defined as “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; one in which confidence is placed.”Yea, I can’t say with full confidence that I feel that way about anyone besides God……and that took me a long time to build.
Perhaps it’s because I don’t trust myself…..or because of the things I’ve been through…..or because of the things I’ve done.In any event, I’m suspicious of EVERYONE.
When I meet someone, I have no trust/expectation of them besides to do what is best for him/her.Period.They owe me nothing, so I don’t get my hopes up….or at least I try not to.
The thing about not trusting is I can’t have a healthy relationship without it.Yes, someone can earn my trust, but it will never be 100%, or even 90%.Now, while I do have trust issues I am not one to act on it.I’m not going through phones; conducting steak-outs; checking IG, Twitter and FB accounts.That’s not my style because I don’t want anyone to do that too me.Whatever wrong he/she is doing will come to the light.
A friend of mine asked me how someone can earn my trust if I side eye almost everything they do or say….that’s a good question that I have not figured out the answer too. Right now, I guess they can’t.
One of my goals next year will be to start trusting myself and others.Learn to listen to my gut because it is the Holy Spirit talking to me.Trusting others so I don’t always feel like I am alone.
What are your thoughts on trust?Does someone have to work to earn it or work to lose it?
I have a confession……I have a body image/weight issue.According to Pook, I’m actually OCD about it.You know what, I agree.
According to the National Institute of Health, OCD is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions). Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only provides temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety. Yea, that’s me when it comes to losing weight and working out.I really do think about weight loss and working out at least 10-15 times a day.From the time I wake up in the morning to the time I fall asleep at night I worry about gaining more weight. When I work out, about 5-6 times a week, I go HARD!Just the other Saturday I spent a total of 3.5 hours in the gym, burning close to 2000 calories!Like who does that….well besides me. So on Wednesday when I was talking to my Pook, I informed him that for once I didn’t go spend 2 hours in the gym.I wanted him to think I took the “day off” on my own.Pook, being able to see right through me, stated that I probably sat home and sulked. He was right. I was upset over something so I did what I do best when I am emotional…..I ate….and ate….and ate.Then I got mad at myself for eating so much that I didn’t want to be seen. I actually didn’t want to be around anyone….I was deciding if I wanted to take a one-way trip to Ebonyville :-/ Being and emotional eater and OCD about gaining weight sucks!!! I mean they are counter-productive to each other.I really want to be fit and small and pretty and all of that stuff (obsessive).So I work-out and work-out some more (compulsive). Then life happens, something I cannot control. so I run to my old trusty friend……food!I indulge myself in all the yummy things I try to swear off every other day. I grab the french fries, cookies, cakes, chips, breads, etc and I stuff myself.I mean I really stuff myself.I’ll eat and not even be hungry.But because something I cannot control is bothering me, I pick up what I can control…..Food. I’m learning that I can’t even control that because I am eating due to my emotions.My emotions and food are actually controlling me!! That sucks because I am a low-key control freak.This lack of control is ruining my health because I can’t stay at a healthy weight and them I have anxiety attacks about it. I’ve taken the last few days to research ways to combat emotional eating and in turn the OCD, in an effort to design a plan.I have to get this monkey off my back.
Here’s what I have…..
1.Pray!!! I have to remember my faith and lean on some Core Scriptures (thanks J. Tate!)
2.Learn my Triggers….Am I eating because I am bored, worried, angry, etc.I’m quick to grab something when I feel off balance.
3.Make Better Food Selections….I’ve been on this weight loss journey for years…I know that eating a cup of mangos are a lot better than eating a bag of chips…even if they are baked.
4.Work-Out…If I can make it to the gym then I need to go.I use to keep a gymbag in my car in case I got “emotional” at work.I would just hit the gym on my lunch break and feel better.For whatever reason I got out of that habit.
5.Stop Beating Myself Up if I Slip…yes, while tearing up some cookies I will call myself all types of nasty names and then cry when I am finished.I also figured since I already messed up, I might as well continue.
My belief is once I get the emotional eating under control, I will learn to have a healthy body image and be able to manage the OCD.We shall see. Do you have any suggestions for me?
“So much more than right or die; she'll get on the trigger or take the wheel and drive.And I know if situations go right, then she's right there in the hostel by my side”
-Neyo
I am a HUGE Ne-Yo fan!He has a way with words and his voice is beautiful.About a month ago, a very close friend of mine emailed me a song entitled “My Other Gun.”Now I will be the first to admit that I have not really kept up with the hip-hop/R&B world because it is not good, but I will save that rant for another day.
The title of the song caught my attention…most R&B song titles don’t include the word gun.I also have a fascination for guns.I love going to the range and I really want to own a purple 40 cal with a black rose on the handle.I know it seems strange, but that’s what I want J
I immediately fell in love with the song.The beat, the lyrics, the play on words……Yes!!!!! He found a way to describe what I believe every person wants in a relationship and what true love is.
In short, the song is about his significant other and what she means to him.He goes on to describe her like so….
Hold me down with a thousand pounds on the shoulder Lift me up despite the stones, rocks, boulders Soft and strong, right and wrong, anxious, patient In her eyes ride or die ain't just a statement oh
So much more than right or die She'll get on the trigger or take the wheel and drive And I know if situations go right Then she's right there in the hostel by my side
That's my other gun That's my other eye That's who got my back When the world ain't on my side She my other gun Should I go to war Holding me down That's what she there for
As I think about what I want in a lasting, committed relationship, this is it!I want my “other gun” and I want to be his.Someone to help lift me up when I am down, to encourage me when I feel like giving up.The Clyde to my Bonnie….because I really am down for a few capers, lol…legal of course!Someone to focus on me.
The thing about having someone be “my other gun” is it requires TRUST.We all know that guns don't hurt/kill, but it is the stupid people that do.The last thing I want is for “my gun” to be used against me.I always wonder how someone feels when they are shot with their gun, but I’m not trying to find out….again.
When I trust someone enough, I’m sure he will be “my other gun”.Until then, I’ll protect myself and enjoy the song.
Take a listen for yourself and tell me what you think......
