Dreams

I've been on work-related travel for the past four weeks.  Between the airports, long drives, sleepless nights and tons of work I realized I stopped dreaming.

Somewhere over the past 2-3 years I stopped wanting to impact the world.....change myself for the better.....love again.....live again......

I wish I knew the reason why this happened, but at least I realized that I was walking around unfulfilled.   It would be wonderful to know why I have no motivation to do anything.  Why I continue to stay stagnant.  Why I stopped living.

But I doubt I ever will.  I guess the first step was to admit that I stopped dreaming.

I have no idea what the next step is.  I will attempt to motivate myself and get back to dreaming....living....loving.  All of those things start with me.

Internally, I'm still battling some issues of guilt, low self esteem, feelings of failure, etc.

I have to accept myself and my past for what it is.  There are things I can change about myself, but NOTHING I can do about the past.

The way I see it is I have about two months to get a plan together and execute it.  I could just wait until 2015, but I want to dream again.

Open Season

Over the weekend a young black man was by the name of Mike Brown, was murdered by a white police officer in Ferguson, Missouri.  According to multiple sources, he was unarmed.  Another young brown male was with Mr. Brown and has stated to several news outlets that the police officer approached them in a disrespectful manner, cursed at them, and subsequently hit one of them with the door of his/her police cruiser.  He states that Mr. Brown was in a surrender pose when he was shot multiple times. 

This hurts my heart.  It seems to be open season on our young black men.  They are being killed with no regard and no consequence.  It seems as though the majority is out to finish what they stated decades ago, killing us off.  Mike Brown could have been my baby, my nephew.

The black community is PISSED, especially those in Ferguson and the surrounding areas.  They have taken to the streets in a series of silent/non-silent protest that have resulted in riots, looting, tear gas, rubber bullets, arrests and more.  

I'm not a fan of rioting/looting, however, I empathize with them.  My thought is they feel this is the only way their voices will be heard.  There is no coverage of the crime, racial profiling, harassment, poverty and the plagues the area.  Very little has been done to address the issues.

The media is putting a spin on this, as always, and depicting both the victim and the citizens of Ferguson in an unsavory light.  The outrage is NOT on the fact that a young, unarmed, black male lost his life; it is on the rioting and looting.  The powers that be seem to want to change the narrative and not look at the root cause. 

It's just sad.

I weep for young, black youth. 

I weep for all of those we have loss. 

I weep for society.  

Anger Becomes Her

I'm not sure when I became a real woman and realized being "crazy" wasn't cute, but it happened.

I don't remember anyone sitting me down and telling me my temper would lead me away from the things I wanted. 

During my teenage years/early twenties my temper and subsequent behavior was horrible. I would lash out verbally and physically at anyone, without much provocation.

I wish I would have had someone to sit me down with me during my formative years in attempt to teach me how to control my anger, but I didn't.

I'm noticing that a lot of the young women in this generation don't know now to keep their anger under wraps.  There have been numbers of news stories about young women fighting and the such. Cussing people out of no apparent reason....it's just sad.

Perhaps they don't realize that there behavior leads to health and mental problems.  They are hurting themselves more than anything else.

Not sure what I can do to help teach young women that that behavior is not the way to go. I want to do something.  I want to show and teach them how to handle difficult times with grace. I want to teach them the art of "killing them with kindness."

Love

Relationships only work when the people in them actually roll up their sleeves and function as a team.

There have been a few relationships in which I was concerned more about my agenda verses the biggest picture of having a strong, unbreakable bond. Well this last time I believe I put my best foot forward and it didn't work.

I want and believe in lobe and I will never give up the fight to have it.

Love

Relationships only work when the people in them actually roll up their sleeves and function as a team.

There have been a few relationships in which I was concerned more about my agenda verses the biggest picture of having a strong, unbreakable bond. Well this last time I believe I put my best foot forward and it didn't work.

I want and believe in lobe and I will never give up the fight to have it.

Alone

It's been a while since I've felt so alone.

My Birthday Weekend

**Late Post**

So a few weeks ago marked I was blessed to celebrate my 33rd bornday!  The best and maybe worse part about it was that my bornday fell on Mother's Day.

Borndays a VERY important to me.  It's a day to celebrate my birth.  The day I entered into this world full of promise and purpose.

This year was a bit different for me.....and I'm not sure why.

In years past I would grab my friends and have some sort of celebration.  Last year I went to Tae Bo, indoor rock climbing, nail spa, dinner and the club!  This year I stayed in.

On Friday, I went to GLE rehearsal like any other week.  I did leave a hour or so early, but I stayed home after I grabbed a quick bite to eat.

On Saturday, I laid around the house and retwisted my hair.  The highlight, if any, was I got inked!  I went to a respected, local tattoo shop and received my first tat.  Yea, I'm a G now, lol.

On Sunday, my actual bornday, I got up and made breakfast.  After that I really just lounged until my folks came over.

So yea, my actual bornday was pretty uneventful, but I'm looking forward to see what 33 has to offer.

Road Trip Haikus

This weekend Itook my first road trip to North Carolina with my girls.  We had a blast, to say the least. I summed up my weekend in a series of haikus.

North Carolina
My first road trip with my girls
Foolishness abounds

She is so prissy
Reliving her college days
NC Chapel Hill

Head in her pasta
Exhaling at the site of
Dasani Water

I love my Whit-ty
She is growing up so fast
Wolfpack represent

No Friday night shows
Amel Larrieux had sound woes
Art of Cool was, eh

We ate So much food
From Krispy Kreme to Cook-Out
I can't fit my pants

We were all white girls
Jamming to our favorite  tunes
Jagged Little Pill

I want to move South
Southern hospitality
Changing my zip code

Battlefield

Dark days
Ebony nights
Blackouts and pain

My soul is aching, mind racing
I see pieces of my spirit slain before my eyes
Each defeat chipping away at what’s left of my sanity
The devil’s taunts are louder than the angels’ singing

My breastplate is bruised.
My belt is unbuckled.
My helmet is barely on.
My shoes are undone.
My sword…..yea, what sword?

I’m in the heat of a battle I keep trying to fight alone.
Darts of pass transgressions stain my new white garment.
No matter how I try to hide or duck/dodge, I can’t seem to win this war.
I’m standing as an army of one in the midst a million adversaries.

In my attempt to run I fall to my knees.
2 Chron 20:17a, “You do not have to fight in THIS battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, who is with you.”

On my knees I stand
Still
Unmovable
While my Father conquers my battles

Critique Dates

Last night I attended Bible study at the First Baptist Church of Glenarden; as I have done for the past four or five months.  I was expecting a “normal” Bible study…You know where the Pastor Jenkins has a topic with several points to follow.  Well I guess Pastor was not in the mood for all of that, so he decided to have a Q&A session.  My immediate response was to leave…..because I came to study the Bible….duh!

However, something in me decided to stay and it was an interesting time.  Most of those who were brave enough to ask questions asked relationship-type questions.  Be it harsh critique from a spouse to over-bearing parents in relationships to marrying someone because they are with child. 

The awesome thing about these questions was the Pastor shared insight into his relationship with the First Lady.  While he expressed how they were friends for years first and how she is the ultimate Christian woman, they have been able to make it through the “winter” seasons by communicating.

While that is nothing new, the way he framed it was.  In addition to “date” nights they also have “critique” night.  Nights were they sit down and listen.  Like REALLY listen.  They talk about the thing(s) the other has done to hurt them over a period of time.  They discuss ways to effectively communicate with one another.   

Just like that performance feedback your supervisor gives you at work throughout the year.  You know the conversations where they tell you what you are doing right, wrong and ways to improve to meet the objectives of your position.  Some of those conversations are good, while others are bad.  In any event, they are ALL useful.

I love that!  Most times in pervious relationships I either didn’t say anything when I felt hurt or I would say it in the wrong ways.  I would blow up. I wouldn’t articulate myself in a manner that would get my point across.  I would say things out of hurt and that never solved a thing.   

Going forward, I want to do things differently.  I want to have a healthy relationship all the way around.  I’m a firm believer that miscommunication is just as bad as lack of trust.  Without communication a relationship is destined to end.  It just is.  There is no way to cultivate a relationship that is dead.

My Pastor and his wife have been married for over 33 years.  I’m just trying to make it to 33 weeks, lol.  I think I will institute those “critique” nights to learn how to communicate with my dude….Maybe then I can make it to 33 months and hopefully one day, 33 years.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HR5J5jUDcnA

Coming Out

So I’m slowly but surely coming out of my two week funk, albeit 7 pounds heavier, lol.

I’m so happy to be somewhat back to my regular routine…..quick AM workout, work, PM workout, errands, meal prepping and the such.

For the better parts of two weeks I’ve been walking around like Eore L  That is SO not me!  I’m normally cheerful…energic…sunny!

For the life of me I couldn’t figure it out and I still can’t.  A part of me thinks it’s Mother Nature’s fault because of this crazy weather and normal woman issues.  Perhaps that would explain me eating so much sugar, lol.

Whatever!

I’m focused on having a great spring. Whatever it is that was/is trying to stop me…….WON’T!

Tina's Pain

I love Mary Mary!  I love their music, style and most importantly, class.  I have been an advocate of their reality series when it started almost three years ago.

So I just finished watching last night’s episode of Mary Mary entitled Cover Girls.  In short, this episode shows what Tina is going through a few days before the release of an Ebony magazine article where she details that her husband has an affair.  What makes this episode so real is that after giving the article, Tina finds out that there were multiple affairs. 

What REALLY got to me was the hurt that she showed.  How vulnerable she was.  The disappointment she shared.  The shame and embarrassment she felt.

When watching, I saw myself.  I could identify with how she felt, as a few years ago I saw my own relationship hit rock bottom……..mostly because of me and my immaturity.

My heart and prayers go out to her because that level of pain is so difficult to deal with.  To feel like what you worked for was a fraud is a feeling like no other.

When I think about my past, I’m able to fully understand where as if I had not been through a similar experience I would not be able to connect.

I thank Mary Mary for sharing their truth….and in this moment I thank God that He allowed me to overcome.

Check out the episode!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlKMKBxqyRo

In and Out

This weekend has been interesting to say the least.  Besides the funky mood I've been in and the weather to boot, I somehow managed to stay in, but also get out.

On Friday, my girl and I hit up an acquaintance's bornday party at a local lounge in Fort Washington.  We both had "zero fu*ks" to give and you could tell.  There wasn't the normal primping before heading out for a night on the town.  We opted for comfy shirts, jeans and boots.

I should've known the night would be full of laughs from the moment we stepped through the door.  There was no ID check....no change to be given after paying the cover charge......and the young lady collecting the money was dressed like a pink Care Bear.  Instant laughter!

Once fully inside there was so many "wow" moments...too many to write about.  Let's start with the fact that the MC was shouting out the class of 1969!!!! There were the women who were setting out there goodies like they were the dessert bar at the local Golden Corral.  There was a recently divorced older man who told my girl, "I just divorced last week to the woman I was married too for 30 years.  We had four kids and they are all over 20....that means I don't have to pay any child support."  So that's the new pick-up line.  Oh, ok.

Needless to say, laughs for everyone!

On Saturday I had big plans to workout, run errands, clean and attend a concert at the Kennedy Center.   The only thing I managed to do was go to that concert.  For whatever reason I just could not will myself out of the bed.  No workout....no errands....no cleaning.

Now once I forced myself out of bed and made it to downtown DC, my mood changed a little.  My girl and I hit up Valpiano's in Chinatown, which was new for me.  I enjoyed my dish and plan to visit there soon.

Fast forward to the Kennedy Center.....it was BEAUTIFUL!  I had never been there before, so I had to take a few seconds to take it all in.  It did my heart  joy to see people of all backgrounds dressed to the 9s to see Nas perform with the NSO.

The concert was GREAT!  Nas was......was wonderful.  He performed all of the tracks off of Illmatic and a few of his hits......to an orchestra!  The musicality was incredible!  I don't know if I spent more time watching Nas, the conductor or the musicians.  The conductor was grooving to the music and it was exciting to see.  Also exciting was the reaction of men when Nas performed most of his tracks.  At one point I thought the guy in front of us was going to throw his boxers on stage, lol.  Truly amazing how far hip hop has come.

Today, I haven't left the house.  No church...no gym...no errands.  I did manage to do a little cleaning and cooking.  That's a step up...I guess.

I'm not sure what my problem is, but I have to figure it out.  I don't like this getting out, but staying in thing. When I was out, my mood improved....perhaps I need to just stay out, lol.        

Real Life Racey

The past few days have been difficult for me for some odd reason.  I seem to be in a funk and I cannot figure out why.

I mean I'm blessed to have a good, government job.

A roof over my head.

My car works fine.

My family is doing well.

My body is taking shape....well it was until this funk and the munchies hit, lol

But that is a post for another time....another day!

I decided to take a couple of "mental health" days while I try to get myself together.  

While I've been home, I've been watching the youtube web-series the Unwritten Rules.  

The series is based on the book, "40 Hours and an Unwritten Rule: The Diary of a Nigger, Negro, Colored, Black, African-American Woman" by Kim Williams.  The web series examines the comedic realities of a black co-worker in a predominantly white workplace.  I think I need to pick up that book.

What's funny is all of the various scenarios they have "Racey" in, I've also found myself in those situations...except for, the "crimes" were committed mostly by older black women, lol.  

I'm not the only black female at my job, but I am the youngest black female...who happens to work in the Civil Rights office.....with the highest ranking black female in the entire organization.

Yea, that alone makes me feel like I have eyes watching my every move.  Like "Racey", older black women have asked me about my hair when I decided to go natural.  I remember when I got kinky twists, at least two of them wanted to touch them.  

I guess because I am younger, they assume I'm supposed to know what "hip" and whatnot.  I can't count the number of times my supervisor has asked about a song or a particular celebrity.  I've been asked to help pick out gifts for her younger family members. 

Don't get me wrong, my white co-workers have also asked to touch my hair or asked about the latest dance moves or wanted to taste "soul food"....sorry to say it, but I expect that from them.

 In any event, I can relate to "Racey" and all of the things she has experienced.  Not just at the hands of white people, but all races.   I'm looking forward to the next season.




  

Passion and Purpose

As many know, I have a passion for fitness and helping people.  I live to help families achieve a healthy lifestyle.  I'm ALWAYS offering advice, solicited and unsolicited, about nutrition and fitness.

When I speak about such things I am able to do it with such confidence.  More confidence that when I speak about civil rights....and I've been doing that for almost 10 years.

I've been told by family, friends and strangers alike that this is my passion/purpose - And I believe them!

I just can't find the motivation to study and become certified in the craft.  Some of the information is too cumbersome for me.  Learning the intricate parts of the body/heart.......Not my thing.

I've always been a hands-on person, so the idea of sitting down to self study is not working for me.  There are workshops that I could attend, however, I can't find a workshop through the American Council of Exercise.

I need to figure out something...I want to make this world a healthier place and I can't do that without the proper credentials.   

About Time

I've never been the best with time management.  I've been criticized of stuffing too many activities into a day, both personally and professionally.

Granted, there are 60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in a hour. 24 hours in a day. 7 days in a week. 52 weeks in a year.

To me there is more than enough time for me to do everything for/with everyone.  Work for 8.5 hours; hit the gym for 2 hours; run errands for 2 hours; meet the girls/family for some healthy fun for 3 hours; attend dance rehearsal for 3.5 hours; spend time with my man for 3 hours and sleep for 3 hours.

See, all of that sounds doable.....to me, however, I was recently told by a good friend that it doesn't seem like I have time for a relationship.  I'm too busy with family, friends, dance the gym, church and other obligations.  Like I make time for whomever I'm dealing with AFTER I've done everything else.

That hurt.  It hurt because I've heard that sentiment echoed from several men whom I've dated, including the ex fiance.

I'm a firm believer if several people who don't know each other are saying the same thing, then there is validity to the statement.

I admit, I fill my plate with TOO much stuff, with reason.  Let's start with being a single woman, I have a lot of free time on my hands.  But honestly when I'm not running around, involved in something, or what have you, I tend to get in "trouble".  I don't mean legal trouble, but mental/physical trouble.

I may start eating a bunch of junk.

Or thinking about the bad parts of my life.

Or have suicidal thought .

Or I may feel alone.

All of those things drive me to a bad place.  So to combat that, I stay busy!  I stay involved.

Not to mention, growing up I didn't have the confidence to do much.  Back then I didn't want to be around anyone.  I just lived in that bad space.

Now I find myself having to find a balance.  I need to make myself available to whomever I'm dating so he doesn't feel like I'm "fitting" him my schedule; but rather he has an important place in my schedule.  I want to give him the best of me, not the leftovers after an exhausting day.

I want him to feel like the time we spend together is just as important to me as my time in the gym.

I created this life because my time was my own, but if I ever want to get to a place where I'm sharing my everything with my mate then I need to make changes.

Here's to doing AM and/or lunch workouts.....hanging with the girls once a month....saying "no" to always being available to family......to happiness and sharing life with someone :-)

"Time waits for no man."

I Want

The other day a friend of mind posted a blog which included a beautiful quote from Bob Marley.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 

This is what I want in my next relationship.  This is the love I want to build from the ground up. 

I want to create life long memories with the one person who is my lover, friend and confidant.  

I want to bask in his radiant smile.

I want to submerge myself in the depth of his knowledge.

I want to push him as he chases his dreams.

I want to be intoxicated by the smell of his skin.

I want to share in his disappointments.

I want to feel his heart beat as I lay against his chest.

I want it all.............................................................................

I've Been Gone for a Minute.....

Guess who's back????

So let me start by saying Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!!!!  

Yea, didn't realize I had been gone for so long.....my bad :-( 

Well a lot has happened since my last post in September.  Let's see.....I purchased a house, had a relationship, found out my ex fiance was getting married, and have been spending a lot of time alone. 

Things have not been "bad" by any stretch of the imagination.  I've had the normal go-throughs and still learning how to navigate this thing called life.  

There are times when I enjoy having my own space and others when I just want someone around.  Yes, I've done a little of crying because I've felt lonely, but hey......that's what happens....such as life. 

Work is going well, although I've missed at least one day a week this month due to being sick, the snow and my heating system going bad.  

I'm still working out and trying to get the shape of my dreams, lol.  I was actually approached by the local gym manager and some lady who saw me working out about teaching a class.  I really need to stop procrastinating and get my certification.

Ummmm, yea.....I have much to say and nothing to say at all.

In any event I will promise to do better and posting.

Until next time.....<3 ya!