And The Winner Is......

I'm going to be honest, I'm a great actress.  Some may even call me phenomenal. I have a way of playing the role that everything in my life is ok.  My mask is flawless.

I can keep this acting thing up for weeks...even months and some would never guess that it is all a facade. I'm just reading from the script of what my life is supposed to be.

If you know me, then you know it's rare for me to yell, curse, scream, say anything negative about anyone or myself.  That's how it appears...on the inside I'm cussing and fussing.

I've been acting for so long that I think the person in the mirror is really me...that I'm living the life I've always wanted.  Well last night I took my mask off.

Looking back at me was someone I didn't recognize.  A young girl with emotional and spiritual wounds that won't seem to heal no matter how hard I pray.  A woman who may never get married or have a child(ren).  A young person who feels like giving up.

Yes, I'm great at encouraging others, that's what actresses do....but for myself, not so much. 

I'm tired of acting, but I can't stand the reality of my life......I just wish the credits would roll.

Happy Birthday Jesus......

Today is a special day for me....Christ was born!!!!  As a Christian, this day means so much more than giving gifts and eating good food.  This was the day that God gave His only Son so my sins could be forgiven.  There is no better gift than that.

In return I give Him my heart!  I will strive to be obedient and trustworthy to His word while offering up praise and sacrifice.  I'm SO grateful to the birth of Christ....He is the only Hope I know!

T.R.U.S.T.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection.  It’s the end of another year and I like to look back to see where I am made some gains and what areas I am not. 

Besides coming to terms with my OCD/emotional eating issue, I realized I also have a trust issue.  In my previous blog I mention that I really don’t trust anyone enough to be my other gun…I really don’t.  Honestly, even if I can see you I don’t trust you.

Trust is defined as “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; one in which confidence is placed.”  Yea, I can’t say with full confidence that I feel that way about anyone besides God……and that took me a long time to build.

Perhaps it’s because I don’t trust myself…..or because of the things I’ve been through…..or because of the things I’ve done.  In any event, I’m suspicious of EVERYONE.    

When I meet someone, I have no trust/expectation of them besides to do what is best for him/her.  Period.  They owe me nothing, so I don’t get my hopes up….or at least I try not to.

The thing about not trusting is I can’t have a healthy relationship without it.  Yes, someone can earn my trust, but it will never be 100%, or even 90%.  Now, while I do have trust issues I am not one to act on it.  I’m not going through phones; conducting steak-outs; checking IG, Twitter and FB accounts.  That’s not my style because I don’t want anyone to do that too me.  Whatever wrong he/she is doing will come to the light.

A friend of mine asked me how someone can earn my trust if I side eye almost everything they do or say….that’s a good question that I have not figured out the answer too.   Right now, I guess they can’t.

One of my goals next year will be to start trusting myself and others.   Learn to listen to my gut because it is the Holy Spirit talking to me.  Trusting others so I don’t always feel like I am alone.

What are your thoughts on trust?  Does someone have to work to earn it or work to lose it?

A True Confession....

I have a confession……I have a body image/weight issue.  According to Pook, I’m actually OCD about it.  You know what, I agree.

According to the National Institute of Health, OCD is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions). Often the person carries out the behaviors to get rid of the obsessive thoughts, but this only provides temporary relief. Not performing the obsessive rituals can cause great anxiety.

Yea, that’s me when it comes to losing weight and working out.  I really do think about weight loss and working out at least 10-15 times a day.  From the time I wake up in the morning to the time I fall asleep at night I worry about gaining more weight. 

When I work out, about 5-6 times a week, I go HARD!  Just the other Saturday I spent a total of 3.5 hours in the gym, burning close to 2000 calories!  Like who does that….well besides me.
So on Wednesday when I was talking to my Pook, I informed him that for once I didn’t go spend 2 hours in the gym.  I wanted him to think I took the “day off” on my own.  Pook, being able to see right through me, stated that I probably sat home and sulked. 

He was right. I was upset over something so I did what I do best when I am emotional…..I ate….and ate….and ate.  Then I got mad at myself for eating so much that I didn’t want to be seen. I actually didn’t want to be around anyone….I was deciding if I wanted to take a one-way trip to Ebonyville :-/
Being and emotional eater and OCD about gaining weight sucks!!! I mean they are counter-productive to each other.  I really want to be fit and small and pretty and all of that stuff (obsessive).  So I work-out and work-out some more (compulsive). 

Then life happens, something I cannot control. so I run to my old trusty friend……food!  I indulge myself in all the yummy things I try to swear off every other day.  I grab the french fries, cookies, cakes, chips, breads, etc and I stuff myself.  I mean I really stuff myself.  I’ll eat and not even be hungry.  But because something I cannot control is bothering me, I pick up what I can control…..Food.
I’m learning that I can’t even control that because I am eating due to my emotions.  My emotions and food are actually controlling me!! That sucks because I am a low-key control freak.  This lack of control is ruining my health because I can’t stay at a healthy weight and them I have anxiety attacks about it. 
I’ve taken the last few days to research ways to combat emotional eating and in turn the OCD, in an effort to design a plan.  I have to get this monkey off my back. 

Here’s what I have…..

1.   Pray!!! I have to remember my faith and lean on some Core Scriptures (thanks J. Tate!)

2.   Learn my Triggers….Am I eating because I am bored, worried, angry, etc.  I’m quick to grab something when I feel off balance.

3.   Make Better Food Selections….I’ve been on this weight loss journey for years…I know that eating a cup of mangos are a lot better than eating a bag of chips…even if they are baked.

4.   Work-Out…If I can make it to the gym then I need to go.  I use to keep a gymbag in my car in case I got “emotional” at work.  I would just hit the gym on my lunch break and feel better.  For whatever reason I got out of that habit.

5.   Stop Beating Myself Up if I Slip…yes, while tearing up some cookies I will call myself all types of nasty names and then cry when I am finished.  I also figured since I already messed up, I might as well continue.

My belief is once I get the emotional eating under control, I will learn to have a healthy body image and be able to manage the OCD.  We shall see.

Do you have any suggestions for me?

My Other Gun....

“So much more than right or die; she'll get on the trigger or take the wheel and drive.  And I know if situations go right, then she's right there in the hostel by my side”

-          Neyo

I am a HUGE Ne-Yo fan!  He has a way with words and his voice is beautiful.  About a month ago, a very close friend of mine emailed me a song entitled “My Other Gun.”  Now I will be the first to admit that I have not really kept up with the hip-hop/R&B world because it is not good, but I will save that rant for another day. 

The title of the song caught my attention…most R&B song titles don’t include the word gun.  I also have a fascination for guns.  I love going to the range and I really want to own a purple 40 cal with a black rose on the handle.  I know it seems strange, but that’s what I want J

I immediately fell in love with the song.  The beat, the lyrics, the play on words……Yes!!!!!  He found a way to describe what I believe every person wants in a relationship and what true love is.

In short, the song is about his significant other and what she means to him.  He goes on to describe her like so….  

Hold me down with a thousand pounds on the shoulder
Lift me up despite the stones, rocks, boulders
Soft and strong, right and wrong, anxious, patient
In her eyes ride or die ain't just a statement oh

So much more than right or die
She'll get on the trigger or take the wheel and drive
And I know if situations go right
Then she's right there in the hostel by my side

That's my other gun
That's my other eye
That's who got my back
When the world ain't on my side
She my other gun
Should I go to war
Holding me down
That's what she there for

As I think about what I want in a lasting, committed relationship, this is it!  I want my “other gun” and I want to be his.  Someone to help lift me up when I am down, to encourage me when I feel like giving up.  The Clyde to my Bonnie….because I really am down for a few capers, lol…legal of course!  Someone to focus on me. 

The thing about having someone be “my other gun” is it requires TRUST.  We all know that guns don't hurt/kill, but it is the stupid people that do.  The last thing I want is for “my gun” to be used against me.  I always wonder how someone feels when they are shot with their gun, but I’m not trying to find out….again.

When I trust someone enough, I’m sure he will be “my other gun”.  Until then, I’ll protect myself and enjoy the song.

Take a listen for yourself and tell me what you think......

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's the time of year when people start reflecting on their lives and giving thanks.  I wish I had the time to type out and detail everything I thankful for, I can't.  I have food on the stove and folks at the house.

So here is a quick vlog about what I'm thankful for...Enjoy the holiday :-)

What are you thankful for???

Deal or No Deal......

I'm not a big game show fan because I am not a big risk taker; small risks I will take.  Some would disagree with this statement because I took the ultimate risk when I purchased a townhome with my then fiance three years ago.  

On NBC there is a show entitled Deal or No Deal.  On this show the game revolves around the opening of a set of numbered briefcases, each of which contains a different cash amount. The contents, cash value, of all of the cases are known at the start of the game, but the specific location of any dollar amount is unknown. The contestant selects a case to begin the game. The case's value is not revealed until the conclusion of the game.

The contestant then begins choosing cases that are to be removed from play. The amount inside each chosen case is immediately revealed; by process of elimination, the amount revealed cannot be inside the case the contestant initially selected. Throughout the game, after a predetermined number of cases have been opened, the banker offers the contestant an amount of money to quit the game, the offer based roughly on the amounts remaining in play and the contestant's demeanor, the bank tries to 'buy' the contestant's case for a lower price than what's inside the case. The player then answers the titular question, choosing:

• "Deal", accepting the offer presented and ending the game, or
• "No Deal", rejecting the offer and continuing the game.

Well a few weeks ago, while visiting my townhome in Bowie, the ex-fiance offered me a deal to buy me out of the house.  Of course I don't agree with his deal; I think he is trying to get over on me....BIG TIME!  On the other hand, at least he offered me something.  For the last 18 months his offer has been nothing!

Those months an discussions have been filled with anger, frustration, heart ache, threats, blood, and LOTS of tears.  I'm honestly tired of playing this game with him.  The mental impact is taking its toll on me.  It almost seems that regardless of my decision, I'm getting screwed.  

Now I feel like the contestant standing in front of the red button.  If I smash the button, then I am taking the deal. If I cover it up, I'm passing and holding out for something better.  Time is ticking and I have to make a decision.....Deal or no deal!

Just for laughs......Def not trying to end up like them, lol

Just Call Me Judy Blume.....

"Telling the truth makes you odd" - Judy Blume

Growing up in the 80/90s was awesome!  We had the best music, TV shows, after school specials and books.  One of my favorite authors as a child was Judy Blume.  Her books had a detective theme to them which matches very well with my investigative personality.

What can I say, since I was a child I loved solving mysteries and being nosy, lol.  If I didn't believe something then I was going to dig until I found the truth....oh and the truth I would find.

Fast forward to the last 72 hours.  While I have been traveling back and forth to Ebonyville, I'll explain in another post, my girls have been going through it and are in need of my help.

My latest case involves a married man, mistress and my friend.  I got the case Wednesday night and I'm happy to say I've solved it!  Social media and public websites are wonderful tools to use when trying to find the truth.

Folks don't realize how big their cyber footprint is and boy was his HUGE!  So basically he told my friend he was separated from his wife and going through a divorce.  The wife supposedly lived in another state and of course he wants to start a new life with my friend.  While I'm not sure what tipped her off, besides a FB post, my friend had questions which he didn't answer.....imagine that!

Well using FB and some government sites I was able to find out the wife is in fact here, her email, where she works and the house they are looking to purchased.  I also put other pieces together and discovered hie has a mistress, whom is also a co-worker!

Case solved in 36 hours.....damn I'm good.  Not sure what she's going to do with all the information, but I hurt for my friend.  She's been through a lot in the past few years when it comes to men.  Perhaps it's time for her to chill before she gets involved with someone else. 

In any event, the case is closed and my record is still in good standing. I just really wish I was wrong this time. 

My advice to all is be honest in all dealings and watch what you put out in the cyber world.  There are detectives like me ready to examine your cyber footprint, lol.

Show Me the Carfax!

As I talk to my friends in the process of purchasing "used" cars, I'm learning the importance of checking the Carfax.  Now I've purchased two used vehicles in my day and I will say both were lemons, lol.  After the last one broke down, I made a vow to only buy off the showroom floor.

That would be great if I were really talking about cars, but I'm talking about dating/relationships.  Unfortunately, men don't come with a report showing the accidents, mileage, service records, previous drivers, insurance claims, etc.  But they should!

I've had two close friends find out that either their new boo thangs were either engaged or married with a mistress in the past 4 days.  That's a lot of information to process.

Like how can you be engaged and be in a relationship with someone else?  Like this dude was practically living in her house!!!  He was around her 24/7 and still managed to live a double life.  Smh.

In the other case, dude said he was separated from his wife, but wasn't AND he has a mistress!!!  So he was living a triple life.  That's a lot of lies to keep up.  You have to have a GREAT memory to remember dates, events, names, etc.

Now, I'm sure you are all wondering how they found out......it was easy thanks to Facebook, lol.  After all these years, guys don't know how to lock down certain parts of their pages.

I'm one to learn from the mistakes of others, so I will definitely take heed to what they went through.  The next time I find myself a used car, I will be asking for a Carfax and doing a little investigative work on my own ;-)

Homework: Personal SWOT Analysis

About a month or so ago an acquaintance asked me to assist him in completing his homework assignment for a business class.  The professor wanted him to conduct an SWOT Analysis on a Fortune 500 company and decide whether or not he would invest in the company based on the information. 

Now while I do have my MPA, I had no clue as to what a SWOT Analysis was.  I figured it was similar to the "new math" that my 11 year old nephew is learning in 7th grade.  It was COMPLETELY foreign to me.

Anyway, I went to my trusty friend, Google, to find out exactly what is was and how to conduct such a thing.  In short, a SWOT Analysis is " a useful technique for understanding your Strengths and Weaknesses, and for identifying both the Opportunities open to you and the Threats you face." 

Pretty simple.......done!

As I was on my 18 hour flight home from Europe, I had the grand of idea of conducting a personal SWOT Analysis.  I figured I had nothing but time and no where to go, lol.

So here is it............

Strengths:
- God Fearing: I am a Christian and I stand on my belief in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. I feel as though I do my part in ministry and attempt to spread the "Good News".

- Good heart: I'm uber compassionate to my fellow man and I hate conflict.  I truly believe that stems from my faith.

- Healthy:  I like to workout and eat healthy foods.  I am not into doing things that will decrease my life span. I have enough other medical issues (asthma, syncope, etc) to already do that, lol.

- Fun: I LOVE to have a good time.  I am willing to do anything at least once as long as it won't land me in jail or the hospital.  Most times I like to goof around, but I know when to be serious.

- Out Going Personality: I can make friends with almost anyone and have a way of making others feel welcomed.

Weaknesses:
- Lack of Risk Taking: I've never been to jail and I don't plan on going, lol.

- Low Patience: I have been known to have the "I want and I want it now" mentality when it comes to some things. 

- ADD:  I can get bored VERY quickly....

- Body Image: Like most women who have lost a considerable amount of weight, sometimes I still see the "old me" in the mirror and get down about my size/weight.

Opportunities:

- Getting Closer to God: As I strengthen my walk with God there is the opportunity for me to become the woman He created me to be.

- Open Minded: While I don't take many risks, I am open minded about a lot of things and I never force my beliefs on anyone about anything.

- Communication: I love to communicate in any and every form possible.  By doing so, I am opening myself up to meeting new people and creating new experiences.

Threats:

- My past:  It still comes back to haunt me :-(

- Optimistic Pessimist: I truly believe there is good in everyone/situation.  At the same time I am waiting for the "other shoe to drop".

- Out Going Personality: I am a people's person and I've learned that it can cause issues(s) in relationships.

So that's me.....would you invest?  Try doing one on your own and see what you come up with.

Smiles and Tears

Life can be funny at times.....It's amazing how just one thought can turn your day around.

That happened to me.  A co-worker and I were eating lunch and I asked him if he wanted to see my "Nee".  My co-worker, being who he is, responded with something about sexual harassment and I explained to him AGAIN who my Nee was. 

As I typed in the web address for my slain God brother's memorial site, I felt a wave of grief wash over me. I only visit the site twice a year...on his bornday and on the day he was murdered. I like to leave a message in the guestbook because in my mind, he reads the entries. 

As I showed him the pictures and described how his life was ended WAY too soon at age 28, I felt Nee sitting with me.  He was smiling at all the memories held in those photos.

Then it happened....my smile was traded for tears. 

I went to leave my annual message in the guestbook, but the site hosting it has been shut down.  All of the messages his family/friends left are now gone...just like he is :-(

Since I can't leave a message on his site, I will leave one on mine.....

Happy Bornday Nee!!! You are getting so old!  I pray you are celebrating in heaven because I plan to celebrate your life here on earth. :-) This doesn't get easier with time, but I know you are in the best place ever.  I miss you so much!! Oh, remember the purple Rocawear shirt you gave me for Christmas?? Well I FINALLY have some J's to match it.  That will be my shirt/shoes this weekend when I step out the house.  Love you so much!!! 

- Ebbie

National Depression Screening Day

Caught up in all the hoopla of Breast Cancer Awareness Month is another important awareness day....National Depression Screening Day was 11 Oct.  I'll be honest, I never knew there was a day dedicated to depression screening.  It wasn't until I was reading cnn.com that I noticed the article about getting screened and sharing stories.

Reading the quick article made me reflect on my own bout with depression/bi-polar disorder.  I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 16, although I can remember feeling depressed WAY before then.

It also made me think back to a conversation I had with @AngryBlkManDC on twitter a year ago.  We were discussing mental illness in the black community.  We agreed that there is a stigma when a minority goes to get screened/seek help.

In our culture we are taught to take all of our problems to the Lord in prayer...including mental illness.  If you go to the "shrink" we are somehow creating more problems and not trusting God.  That's a bunch of malarkey!

God gave those "shrinks" the education and practical experience needed to help folks who are mentally ill.  Everything good thing comes from Him and I can attest seeing someone for help is a good thing.

I remember laying in my bed after popping a handful of pills, praying to die.  God allowed me to live and then my mother called 9-1-1 after she realized what I had done.

It was then that I got the help I needed.  God put me in that position to talk to someone and for a while, rely of medication to stabilize what was going on inside of me.

By seeking help I learned ways to cope with what had happen in my life, as well as provide me with exercises in case I ever felt that way again.  

I know plenty of folks who have succeed in killing themselves because they didn't seek help.  They fell into the thought that out people don't seek doctors of help, only God.

Today, I wear a green ribbon which symbolizes depression awareness. What color are you wearing?

Not Just Breast Cancer Awareness, But Cancer Awareness

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  This is the time when everyone is encouraged to “Rock the Pink!”  or donate money or participate in one of the various walks sponsored by the Susan G Kohman foundation. 

Perhaps I am in the wrong for my way of thinking, but I’m tired of it!  I’m tired of the nation focusing on ONE form of cancer.  Yes, I know it can strike men and woman alike, across different backgrounds.  Yes, I know it is the #1 cancer affecting women.  But there are other cancers that kill woman EVERYDAY that don’t get the same push.  I know this because in November 2010 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer.

When my OBGYN informed be that my last exam was “abnormal” and additional testing was needed, I took to the internet to see what could be affecting me.  After my second follow-up appointment, and the diagnosis of cancer clear, there was little to no information on the web. 

As for research in how to prevent such a disease or “kill” it all together…..there wasn’t much going on.    

In FY 11, research for breast cancer topped $625,059,909 dollars.  While research dollars for cervical cancer reached $81,379,067.  There is a major discrepancy between the two, heck between research for all types of cancers. 

I am of the belief that if one type of cancer can have an awareness month, then so should the others.  Should the individuals that have brain cancer not get the same type of awareness as those that have breast cancer?  Both kill, both hurt!  One is not more important than the other; society just treats it that way.

I don’t hear/see folks rocking brown for colon cancer, grey for brain cancer, teal for cervical cancer, yellow for bladder cancer, white/clear for lung cancer, and the list goes on!  I asked around and no one could name another awareness month besides October. 

It’s such a shame.  As for me, I support cancer research.  So for me, October is Cancer Awareness Month!  I will highlight various types of cancers throughout the month and I will “Rock the teal” in support of my own personal battle with cancer…….which I won to the glory of God J

Need to Know vs Half Truths

"A half truth is a whole lie" - Yiddish Proverb

What exactly is a "half truth"?  Merrian-Webster defines is as "a statement that mingles truth and falsehood with deliberate intent to deceive."  

I needed an example, so I went to my trusted, but untrusted friend, Wikipedia.  Wiki's first example reads "You should not trust Peter with your children. I once saw him smack a child with his open hand." In this example the statement could be true, but Peter may have slapped the child on the back because he was choking.

Ok, got it.  A half truth is not telling someone every detail.  I'm sorry to say, that I am guilty of this type of lie.  I honestly didn't see anything wrong with this.  I choose not to tell every detail not because I am deliberately trying to deceive someone, but because I didn't think the detail was of any importance.  The way I see it is it's either none of that persons business or that detail(s) has no bearing on the point of the statement itself.    Apparently, I am in the minority on this one.  

A good male friend of mine became very upset with me because I did not tell him the "whole truth" about my comings and goings.  According to him, I should have told him every bit of detail as it pertains to my whereabouts.  He felt I should have told him where I was going and who I was going with.  Now, this is NOT my man, we are not dating, talking, courting, etc....we are just FRIENDS.  

I'm am at a loss as to why I have to explain myself to him.  The only person I have to explain myself too is the person I am in a relationship with, and that is IF I want too.  There should be enough trust in the friendship/relationship where I shouldn't have to articulate my EVERY move.  I should be able to say, "Yeah, I went to the mall today with some of the girls."  Now, did I run into any of my male friends....yes.  But do I need to tell him that?

I live my life on the "need to know" theory.  If I am in some sort of committed relationship, then yes, I tell you everything you need to know.  If we are in a sexual relationship, then yes, I need to tell you if I decide to sleep with someone else.  I'll explain myself in detail to those that I have too.  But if we are just friends, kicking it, etc...then you don't get that luxury....sorry.  

It hurts me that my good male friend feels like I've deceived him in some way, shape or fashion; but I just don't see it.  Perhaps it was my fault for being so forthright with all of my comings/goings.  Maybe I should've provided him with every detail, but I know for a fact he didn't do the same with me.  Not sure what is going to happen to our friendship because he seems pretty upset.  My only question to him is, why?  

Is there more to this "friendship" that I didn't know about?  Does he secretly have feelings I don't know about? Is this the expectation he has on all of his friends?   

Until he can answer one of those questions, if not all then he is one less person I have to worry about. I will miss the friendship, fun, advice, laughs, etc....but I refuse to provide answers to someone who doesn't deserve them.  

What are your thoughts on half truths?  Am I wrong?  Is he wrong?

Adult ADD

Sometimes you know what you want and other times you don't.  A friend of mine stated he doesn't believe I fully know what I want.  I will say that I  agree with him in some aspects.  I have ideas about what I want both professionally and personally, but there are times when my focus changes.

For the past 8 years I have served as a Program Manager of the Civil Rights Program for my agency.  I do everything from process complaints of discrimination to training to reporting to Special Emphasis Programs.  At times I am challenged and I love it.  I love empowering employees when I train.  I also love the investigative side of things.  There are times when I feel unfulfilled and I look to change career fields.

I currently hold two degrees, a BA in Human Relations (profit and non-profit) and an MPA.  I also completed a Graduate Certificate in Intelligence Analysis.  As I have mentioned in a previous blog, I am also studying to become a Certified Personal Trainer/Group Exercise Instructor.  Most recently I thought about pursuing a law degree.  What can I say, I love school.

From a professional standpoint I have applied for jobs in other career groups.  It seems as if my list of degrees shows I have some sort of ADD.  My skills are all over the place.  I guess you can say I am a jack of all trades and a master of none....although I consider myself a subject matter expert as it relates to civil rights, lol.

Personally, I'm talking relationship-wise, I want REAL love.  I want the fairy tale...I'm a helpless romantic.  I want  the husband and a child.  I want to give this ocean  of love I have inside of me to one person.  There is SO much inside of me that it is hard to contain.

Now the qualities that he, my husband, possesses changes...often.  Since D-Day, I have been going back and forth about what I will and will not accept the next  time I enter into a SERIOUS relationship with someone.  Maybe I keep changing my standards because I'm learning that things are very different from the last time I was single.  I'm also learning that no one is perfect, myself included, and there may be no "perfect man."

Whatever the situation, my friend has me thinking.  When I was in counseling a while back I was given an exercise to write down my wants, needs and dislikes.  Perhaps I need to visit that exercise again in hopes it will give me some direction.....professionally and presonally.

Warfare of the Spiritual Nature

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. - Ephesians 6:12

There is a SERIOUS battle between good and bad….light and darkenss….right and wrong going on in my life.  I’m honest enough with myself to know that the devil, and his demons for that matter, are wrestling angels for my soul.  My issue is I can’t figure out why. 

I consider myself to be a Christian according to church standards.  I’ve confessed my sins, on several occassions, and believed in my heart that God sent His only Son who died on the cross for my sins.  I pray regularly, tithe, serve in ministry, and so forth.  Am I the “perfect” Christian? No!  I’m sure I’ve given the devil an inch and he is trying to take a mile. 

Now before I get into the struggle, let me say I do read scripture and meditate on His Word as I try to interrupt what it means to me.  I also pray daily for forgiveness, my purpose, my enemies, etc.  At times I write letters ot journal entires to God as a way of communicating with Him. 

So here’s the battle….I find that when I have nothing to do or I am laying in bed attempting to fall asleep I have both positive and negative thoughts.  Like I will have a gospel song in my head and in the blink of an eye I will begin to think about the situation with my ex.  I can be in the midst of a “mind conversation” with God and I will think about hugging/kissing a man.  I can be reading my Bible and start telling myself that I am fat, ugly, etc.  This cycle is getting on my nerves!!!

Now I have prayed SEVERAL times for God to renew my mind and heart….especially when it comes to my ex.  It’s funny because I will fine, no thoughts of him, and then all of a sudden I have a flood of thoughts concerning him.   Not the “oh I want us to get back together thoughts” but thoughts/dreams of him being evil towards me or having his new piece living in “my house”.  A few of the thoughts are about me being a “itch” towards him as well and in the next breath I tell myself that my previous thought was wrong.

 

My Grandma Moore told me a long time ago that when there is a serious battle/storm/test going on in your life that the Master, she loves calling Him that, is gettng ready to bless me big time and the devil is mad.  She also told me the closer I get to God the harder the devil fights because he wants my soul.  I also know from studying the Word that whatever the devil does, he MUST get permission from God to do it.   I also know this battle is not even about me….I’m just the middle man.

I’m tired of being the middle man, but when I gave my life to Christ I agreed to be used by Him.  This battle is intensifying and all I can do is  continue to take the negative thoughts captive as they come.  Lord, can You please hurry up and win this war???

Hola!!!!!

I must say if you every have the chance to experience other cultures, do it!  Over the past week I have been blessed with the opportunity to visit Spain and I am now on my way to Italy.  I must say getting to Spain was a bit of a challenge because my flight from BWI to Philly was cancelled.  Thankfully, US Airways will drive all international passengers as far as Newark, NJ so he/she can make their international connecting flight. 

The seven hour flight from Philly to Madrid wasn’t bad, even thought I was sitting in coach.  The food was good and I had enough room to be comfortable.  The plane had various movies for me to watch, which is a lot different from the last time I went overseas.  I used the seven hours to sleep, watch Hunger Games and Unstoppable.  

I’ve noticed that when you are leaving outside the continential US, the flight attendants are from wahtever country you are going too.  Having both Spainish and English flight attendants made the boarding process easy. They were able to work together to resolve any seating issues.  

Spain is some six hours ahead of the east coast, so when I landed I was TIRED!  The command I was visiting provided me an awesome sponsor who drove me all around the surrounding areas to ensure I didn’t go to sleep.  Lawd knows I was done. 

Rota, Spain was nothing like I every seen.  This time of year the tempature is sunny, yet cool.  There is a lot of open area, almost country-like.  According to my sponsor, the Spanish built their cities very small and close while they were fighting in various wars.  They used it as some sort of defense tatic. 

The Spanish way of life is very laid back.  They start work between 8-10am, unless they work for the US military.  Around 2-3pm, everything shuts down and the Spanish siesta.  Most go have lunch with their familes, nap and hit the beach.  Around 5-6pm, they wake-up and get ready for the night.

The nightlife is CRAZY!  Dinner is not until 9-10pm and is very small.   The dinners also include coffee, which is 10 times as strong asa what is served in the US.  They choose to eat tapas style versus a big meal.  In the restrurants, they stay for hours and talk without anyone saying anything.  Some of the bars don’t open until 1am and close around 4am.  The Spanish party six days a week!!! 

I also learned Spain is so close to so many other countries like Portugal, Africa, Italy and a British Terrority.  Needless to say, I will be researching a group trip back out there with the hopes of hitting Northern Spain, Africa and the British Terrority. 

The next stop on my mini European tour is Italy.  I hope it’s at least half as fun as Rota was.  Until then…..Adios!!! 

What Won't Kill Me............Small Victories

I must say I am very proud of the progress being made in reference to my failed engagement.  I know this because yesterday I attended my friend's wedding without feeling depressed or angry.  As I have blogged before, I was once scheduled to walk down the aisle and live happily every after with the one I loved.  Then life  happened......

Every since that faithful day in June 2011, I have dreaded the thought of attending ANYTHING that had to do with weddings.  For the longest time I did not want to see engagement/weddings rings, dresses, pictures, married couples...ANYTHING!  I was too hurt because that was something I no longer had.  My heart was bleeding!

I remember a few weeks after what I have termed to be "D-Day," I was invited to a bridal shower.  I promptly declined and cried for days on end.  The bride-to-be didn't know of the break-up and I want to go into details about why I couldn't attend.  I sent a card and called it a day.  I lost that battle.

About two months later, I ran into a business contact and was asked how the wedding plans were coming alone.  I could barely breathe as I informed her there would be no wedding.  Again, I sobbed for hours in the middle of a conference.  Another battle lost.

Then came what would be MY wedding day.  That was rough!  I called out "sick" that day and stayed in bed.  I was not ready to face the world.  I was supposed to be getting ready for one of the biggest events of my life.  Another battle lost.

In April, I started cleaning out my closet at my mother's home and found my beautiful wedding dress.  Instead of going completely batty, I tried it on and didn't feel the overwhelming flood of emotions.....my first battle was won. 

In that same month, I found tattered pictures of my former life and was able to pack them away.  I may have cried a few tears, but the sadness that normally happens was not there.  Another victory.

I will say that yesterday had to be biggest challenge and victory.  I will be honest, as the beautiful bride walked down the aisle and later around the reception greeting her guest, I could not help but to wonder what my day would've been like.  The difference between now and 14 months ago is I held my head high and know that that wedding was not meant to be. 

My ex told me one day during the mist of a heated argument, "What don't kill you will make you stronger." I had no idea how true that that would be.  While I'm not sure how much longer this war will last,I'm glad I'm fighting!

 

She is NOT Her Hair

"I am not my hair, I am not this skin....I am not your expectations no, no. I am not my hair, I am not this skin.....I am a soul that lives within" - India.Irie

Every four years society is treated to the Olympic games, in which the best atheletes from around the world compete in 26 different sporting events. The Games include several ranging from basketball to water polo to fencing to swimming to vollyball (team and beach). My overall favorite is the men/women's gymnastic competition.

The sheer strenth, flexibility, and grace of the gymnists have ALWAYS amazed me. When I was a child, I would flip around in the living room trying to mimic the moves. I loved seeing women who looked like me compete on a global stage. This year we were treated to viewing the talents on Gabby Douglas. The lone African American on the female team. She wasn't highly touted like her other team members. It wasn't until she shined in the various events to help Team USA win the Gold that the media started talking about her and her story.

After she made history by being the first US woman to will the All-Around competition, the "crab in a barrel" mentality reared it's ungly head. On social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook, black women were complaining about her hair! Not that she made history and is a positive role model for young girls, but her hair.  Not that she is a God fearing teenager, but her hair. Not that she showed how hard work and sacrifice can pay off, but her hair!

I was BEYOND pissed that society wanted to take away from her shining moment. This young lady is competing against the best of the best from other countries and we show our support by discussing her hair. While she is making history, "black Twitter" was complaining that her mother should be shot for letting her go on national television in some way.

I find it funny that Gabby didn't let her "hair" get in the way of achieving her dreams. Yet, black women sit around EVERYDAY being unhealthy because they don't want to mess up their hair! Yes, their hair is fly, but there health is NOT! I salute Gabby for not entertaining the negative talk and being who God created her to be. She is NOT her hair!

Supporting the Enemy...But It Was Fun

I've been blessed to have a job which requires me to travel all around the globe.  I've had the opportunity to visit several US states, Guam, Yokosuka, Misawa and hopefully some of Europe.  These are places that I would NEVER visit on my own.

This past week I have been in Dallas, TX.  Let me start by saying I'm not about  the 110 degree day life.  I've walked outside around 10pm and the temp is still in the mid-90s!!! I'm talking about sweating and all I did was walk across the street.

When I travel I ALWAYS bring my favorite jean jacket with me.  It's my favorite because I hand painted the Washington Redskins logo on it.  Of course, I had to wear it in Dallas since they are the rival team.  When I landed, I walked in the airport team shop just because, lol.

While I was here I made it a goal to go visit the new stadium in Arlington, TX.  It looks so beautiful on TV and there was so much hoopla about it while it was being built.  After a little research I found out that the stadium allows self guided tours for only $17.50.  Not bad, guess Jerry Jones needs the extra money to pay back that loan, lol.


A group of young ladies and I hopped in the rental after class and made the 30 minute or so drive to Texas stadium.  It was super easy to find and of course there was plenty of parking.  We purchased our tickets and the self guided tour began in the Pro Shop.

After taking some pictures and purchasing a few items for family and friends we made our way up the steps to the second level.  The view from the corner was AMAZING!  I could see the entire field without my glasses.  The super jumbotron really does take up 60 yards.  After taking a few pictures of the entire field we walked down on the field.

Standing on that field was bananas!  I've been to several NFL games, but never have I been able to stand on the field.  My adrenaline was rushing something serious.  Of course I had to stand in the endzone, on the infamous "star" and the sideline.  One of the field operators, Danyelle, was very sweet and helpful even though I was wearing my Redskins' jacket.

I took several pictures in almost every area we were given access.  I clowned on the field for at least 30 mins.  I did a backbend on the star, kicked a field goal and "caught" a pass.  I honestly has such a good time.  The locker room was beautiful!  The lockers cost about 9 grand each and is made out of some wood imported from Africa.

The tour allowed us to run through the tunnel and visit the media room.  After all of that we ended right back in the Pro Shop.  I will admit that I had a ball and there was no game being played.  I can only imagine what the game day experience is like......I plan to find out!

I've made a vow to visit the local stadium/arena whenever I am on travel.  It was so much fun and I'm sure other venues will be the same.  Some people like to visit museums....I like to visit sports venues. :-)

2016 is Gonna Happen Because, lls...................

"If you have to invite your best friend to your wedding, you are marrying the wrong person." - Unknown

I've blogged many times about my closest, Pook, and the wonderful friendship that we have shared over the past 6 years.  A few months ago, after finishing up the Charm City 5K, we grabbed a bite to eat and devised a relationship contingency plan, lol. We realized that we may both be single for a while and could possibly have a successful marriage based on what we know about each other. 

The plan is basically if we are both single in 2015 then we would date each other and marry in 2016.  2014 would be used as a year for us to "date" and get our financials in order, if needed.  We are both very serious about our money, lol.  We figured we would need the year of dating so folks don't look at us like we are strange when we send out wedding invitations, lol.

Now I know this seems silly too some, including one of my good girlfriends.  She doesn't understand why him and I cannot date now.  She gave me a 10 minute lecture how I was agreeing to be his "plan B" and how I was better than that.  Her point was if we are so serious and open about getting together in a few years, why not just do it now since we are both at the stage in our lives where we are seeking true companionship and love. 

I honestly didn't have an answer to the question, so I asked Pook via text and his response was "because, lls!"  A typical Pook answer; he is such a non-conformist.  That response was not detailed enough for my friend and she kept probing me about how I see him and how he sees me.  Of course none of my responses suited her fancy.  

I will say her questioning got me to thinking while I was on my 3-hour flight to Dallas.  I started to wonder could I really see myself with him in that way.  To be honest, I still don't have an answer.  I know we communicate well, have a lot in common, encourage each other when needed and find each other attractive in some way, shape and/or form.  We have even talked of opening a business or creating a product that will allow us to retire in the next 15 years. We really plan to be in each other lives for a lifetime.  

 I have been asked by several people are we dating because we are always attending public events together, talking for hours, buying each other small trinkets, etc.   I find that to be odd because I don't think either one of us has thought of the other in that way.  In fact, we have both suggested friends for each other to date.  Maybe there is something that neither one of us can see.  The old adage says "it's hard to see the forest from the trees." The funny thing is we are sitting in the trees together *shrug*  What I do know is he will make a GREAT husband to whomever he marries because he is a GREAT friend to me!

Either way it goes I will ALWAYS have my closest...but if the plan happens, I'll have the best of both worlds :-) Do any of your have a contingency plan with your best friend?  What are your thoughts on our 2016 plans?

**UPDATE**

So Pook and I discussed why we never dated and it is because we both assumed we were in the friend-zone with each other.  Our friendship was/is so cool, comfortable and neither one of us thought to bring it up. 

In another turn of events, we have wedding colors, a ring style, song for the first dance, and name(s) for the kid(s) lol.  We have also changed our status on FB, bwahahahaha!

Unequal Death

*Sigh* I really hate to write about the same topic twice in one week, but I feel the need to address what's going on in Chicago from another perspective.

On Friday, 20 Jul 12, the unthinkable happened in a small Colorado town just miles from the tragic Columbine Massacre.  A 24 year old gunman opened fire in a PACKED movie theater as patrons watched the beginning of the newest Batman film.

When it was all said and done, 12 individuals died and over 70 others were injured.  The youngest victim was only 3 months old.  Three young men took bullets for their girlfriends.  Parents took bullets for their children.

Naturally, there was media EVERYWHERE!!  Celebrities tweeting their condolences.  NFL players calling and paying visits to the survivors.  The various law enforcement agencies working day and night to get into this man's apartment.

After my initial shock, my mind could not help but wonder where is that same level of urgency for the citizens of Chicago.  Where were the celebrity tweets? NFL player visits? Media attention?  Law enforcement working around the clock?

It hurts me to my heart that the senseless killings in Colorado seem to be more important than the same type of senseless killings in Chicago.  In both cases, innocent lives were loss.  In both cases, communities are devastated.  But both cases are not being treated fairly. *Sigh*

When will we as a society view senseless killings the same?  When will we unite as a country to protect the people that live in it.  When will we as a country cherish every life?  When will we all come together to stop the violence?

The Poet.....................

While cleaning out a laptop bag for a friend to use on an upcoming business trip I found a crumpled up piece of paper.  Instead of throwing it away, I opened it to find a poem I wrote over 7 years ago.  I think I have wrote maybe two other pieces since that time.  One for my ex fiance and I can't remember the other. 

It's funny because I remember writing it and what I was going through just by looking it the title.  Someone was asking me why I continued to be nice and positive despite the cards I've been dealt in life. 

Like Jesus

What if Jesus gave up and let His heart turn hard?

Turned His back on the world and was never scarred. 

Never played the cards He was given, 

So the sins of the world could be forgiven.

What if when on Calvary He got down off the cross?

Mumbled to Himself, "Forget the world, let them stay loss!"

Took the nails out His hands and ankles.  Tossed the thorns off His head-

Never dying so He could become what the church calls the "bread".

What if He never preached the Word?

Never letting God's truth be heard. 

Leaving us on earth to fend for ourselves,

While looking down from heaven while we sit on the Devil's shelf.

What if He left me to go through life's storms alone?

Never listening to my prayers and groans.

Turning a deaf ear as I cry out in pain;

Leaving me alone soaking in rain. 

But He didn't!

I do what I do because I prayed to be more like Him!

In the book of Matthew, chapter 5 it says don't let your light shine dim. 

If they persecuted Jesus then they will surely persecute me. 

He though He gave up His life so we all could be free. 

I do what I do because I'm made in His image.

I'm here to play in the game, not just the scrimmage. 

True, at times I set myself up to fail. 

But I know when He comes for His bride, the church I will be wearing a veil.

I do what I do because I am pure at heart.

I've been that way since the very start!

I will complete my purpose given to me by the Son;

So on judgement day He will say to me "Well done!" ©

*snaps finger*

At the bottom was a note to my former Pastor asking could the work be published in the monthly paper.....it was. 

The New LeBron.........Superman No More

"In this fall, this is very tough, in this fall I'm going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat." - LeBron James, 8 Jul 10

In the summer for 2010, almost the entire world, especially basketball fans, were on the edge of their seats as they awaited for LeBron "the King" James to announce what team he would be playing for in the 2010-2011 season.  There were rumors about his decision well before the regular season ended.  The media tracked his EVERY move.  It was a mess!


Towards mid-summer ESPN and LeBron James decided to host "The Decision" in which he would tell the world what they wanted to know.  In the days leading up to the hour long program sports writers, fans, current/former athletes blasted the show.  They called him selfish, pompous, arrogant, attention/media whore and other names.......myself included.  **Side Note: Honestly, I'm not a fan but that's neither here nor there**


I remember thinking to myself, "My Dwight (Howard) would NEVER do anything like that.  He is committed to wining a title with Orlando" as I was watching all of the attention surrounding where this ONE player was going to land.  At that point in time I was a Dwight Howard fan.  I would defend him to the finish.  Talk about his poor free throw shooting and I was pointing out a flaw in [insert player name]'s game.  


I LOVED Dwight!  More so for his personality than his play on the court.  In my eyes he wasn't a cry baby like Kobe.  Arrogant like LeBron.  Angry like Kevin G.  He loved the game with child like passion and it showed in his demeanor on the court.  He was always smiling, laughing and joking while helping his team get into the playoffs.  I could watch his interview for hours because of his personality....and his chocolate muscles :-)


Never did I imagine he would turn into LeBron James.  Like LeBron, Howard has thrown SEVERAL temper tantrums and has strung his team along since March of last year.  Hell, he even got a coach fired like LeBron!  His actions have caused me to no longer be a fan.


In an interview after the Magic lost to the Cavs, Dwight said something to the effect of he hopes to be like James one day.  I thought he was talking about on the court, not off.  Dwight is acting like a child whose parents won't buy him [insert popular toy here].  He is acting a damn fool in the middle of the store.  In my eyes he went from being Super Man to not being a man at all.


Congratulations, you are now the new LeBron James!