What Won't Kill Me............Small Victories

I must say I am very proud of the progress being made in reference to my failed engagement.  I know this because yesterday I attended my friend's wedding without feeling depressed or angry.  As I have blogged before, I was once scheduled to walk down the aisle and live happily every after with the one I loved.  Then life  happened......

Every since that faithful day in June 2011, I have dreaded the thought of attending ANYTHING that had to do with weddings.  For the longest time I did not want to see engagement/weddings rings, dresses, pictures, married couples...ANYTHING!  I was too hurt because that was something I no longer had.  My heart was bleeding!

I remember a few weeks after what I have termed to be "D-Day," I was invited to a bridal shower.  I promptly declined and cried for days on end.  The bride-to-be didn't know of the break-up and I want to go into details about why I couldn't attend.  I sent a card and called it a day.  I lost that battle.

About two months later, I ran into a business contact and was asked how the wedding plans were coming alone.  I could barely breathe as I informed her there would be no wedding.  Again, I sobbed for hours in the middle of a conference.  Another battle lost.

Then came what would be MY wedding day.  That was rough!  I called out "sick" that day and stayed in bed.  I was not ready to face the world.  I was supposed to be getting ready for one of the biggest events of my life.  Another battle lost.

In April, I started cleaning out my closet at my mother's home and found my beautiful wedding dress.  Instead of going completely batty, I tried it on and didn't feel the overwhelming flood of emotions.....my first battle was won. 

In that same month, I found tattered pictures of my former life and was able to pack them away.  I may have cried a few tears, but the sadness that normally happens was not there.  Another victory.

I will say that yesterday had to be biggest challenge and victory.  I will be honest, as the beautiful bride walked down the aisle and later around the reception greeting her guest, I could not help but to wonder what my day would've been like.  The difference between now and 14 months ago is I held my head high and know that that wedding was not meant to be. 

My ex told me one day during the mist of a heated argument, "What don't kill you will make you stronger." I had no idea how true that that would be.  While I'm not sure how much longer this war will last,I'm glad I'm fighting!