Saying It With My Chest!

Hey Dad…….

I have no idea where I want to begin, but I know I need to get some things off of my chest.  Let me start by saying that I will always love you, even if from afar because you are my father.  Nothing can change that. 

I’ve never fully shared these feelings with you because I didn’t want to live in the past or have my pent up feelings be the reason you decide to use again.  Addictions are hard to battle and I didn’t want that to fall on me.  But in the midst of me protecting your behaviors, I’ve neglected my own healing. 

I.CAN’T.DO.THAT.ANYMORE! 

You are a GROWN man and thus responsible for your own actions regardless of what you are confronted with. 

So let me be frank; when you and mommy divorced some 25 years ago I’ve always felt like you divorced me as well.  You walked out of our life and you never really looked back.  Yes, you dropped in every now and again, but the commitment to me, as your child, your only baby girl, was not there.

I felt like I saw your back, more than I saw your face.  Even when you attempted to see me on the weekends, you were never around.  You were out with your latest girlfriend’s family, doing whatever it was that “grown folks” do. 

I’m almost 32 years old and I don’t know how to receive love from any male figure because the one male I thought I would get it from was....You.  I don’t know how to let a man lead me or protect me or nurture me because I’ve never experienced it.

I’m so scared a man will walk out of my life the same you did that I either hold on too tight or I don't hold on enough. 

My own insecurities of not being enough get the best of me.

I was deprived of being “daddy’s girl”, the “apple of his eye”, his “beautiful princess”.  You never instilled any of those things in me.     

I was always told I was ugly and no one would ever want me because my daddy didn’t.  At first, I didn’t want to believe it and had the upmost faith that you would be a father……. But as time went on and you weren’t around to prove them wrong, their words rang true. 

Your absence turned me into a wounded woman.  There were nights when I would silently scream for you to rescue me to no avail. 

When I was molested right under your nose at the tender age of 8, you didn’t even notice. 

When I was ridiculed by your “new family” for being overweight, having kinky hair and scarred legs, you laughed.

When I was shoved so hard that I flipped over, you didn’t come to my rescue. 

When I shoved pills down my throat, you didn’t even visit me in the hospital. 

Where were you?!?!?!  Why didn’t you protect me?!?!?!?

For the longest time I wanted to understand why you weren’t around, but I never will.  I feel I will never be enough for any man because I wasn’t enough for the man who shares my DNA.

For whatever reason, you didn’t feel I was important enough for you to be around.  You wanted to chase your addictions.   I wanted you to be addicted to fatherhood.

It’s funny how my lack of relationship with you shows itself in my relationship with God. 

God is said to be my Heavenly Father, however, when I think of the word “father” I am unable to fully identify with the feelings of unconditional love, protection, encouragement, etc.  So naturally, my trust in God is low….I’m working on it. 

I forgive you for not being a part of my life, but I will not forget.  I can’t forget when so much of what I missed by not having you around shows up in my day-to-day interactions with men.

I had to learn the hard way how a man is supposed to treat a woman and I’m not even sure I have it right.  

I’m proud of you for kicking your habit. 

I’m proud of you for attempting to be there. 

I’m proud of you for reading this and not using again.

Love Always!