A Letter to Myself...........

A year ago to the day, my life changed drastically.  The man I was suppose to marry, live happily every after with and I broke up for good; we were on again/off again for about a year.  On 11 Jun 11, he pulled the plug and my heart stopped.  I never thought I would make it this far...here is an open letter to myself. 

Hey BoBo, 

I know you don't want to hear "you will be alright" and "your life is not over right now."  But it's the truth.  In exactly one year, you will be alright.  I know you are hurting right now, scrambling to figure out what can do to make things better between yourself and Milky Way.  The truth is, there is nothing you can do.  I know you want to talk to him, get him to understand everything that's going on and make the decision to keep working on the relationship.  But you have to realize you can't control this situation; you can't control him.  It's not in your hands and he will make his own decision based on what he believes is best for him.

In the following months you are going to cry a lot, not get enough sleep and drop a lot of weight.  Your diet will consist of Raisin Bran and veggie chips.  You will miss a lot of work and have to enter counseling.  You will long for the days when the two of you got along.  When a joke could clear the tension out of the room.  Yes, you will suffer a mild heart attack, but don't worry....you are going to be ok.  

Over the course of the year you will do a lot of soul searching and realize you have some growing to do.  You will realize the part you played in the break-up.  You will understand that you have to respect the man you want to be with.  Learn to stop being so flirtatious even though you know you don't mean it.  Through counseling, you face the demon of needing attention and you must work on a plan to overcome it.  

Visiting the house that was once your home will prove to be difficult.  Especially when you find an empty condom wrapper in the bedroom or strawberries/chocolate in the fridge.  Don't over react.  Leaving Storm behind each month will be hard, but you will enjoy spending time with her. At some point, there will be very little tension when you visit the house and you can breathe.  You and him will be able to share a smile and even a hug.  

After a year, you will still be legally bound to him because of the house.  Yes, you will have a mediation scheduled on the 1 year anniversary that won't go through because he thought it was at another time.  You will see your growth because you won't get mad. 

You will see how God protected and kept you over the year.  How you went from wanting to die to living again.  How your faith increased and you became a slightly better person because of the growing pains.  How you are able to relate to others who have been through similar situations.  Your Christian walk will be enhanced.  God will be your closest friend and you realize this is all a part of His plan for you.  

Wipe your eyes baby girl and hold your head up.  I know it hurts, but you will be ok.  I promise.  I know because I've walked this road.  Even though things aren't what you want them to be, keep trusting God and know that He will give you the desires of your heart in His time.  I love you!!

- Ebony

P.S. God's delay doesn't mean denial.  I'm still standing.