Repeated Commencements

Last night I watched my “mean girl” walk across the stage as a Long Reach High School graduate.  Her commencement was nice.  Three hundred and eighty-two young men and women took a step towards the beginning of their lives.  Some have plans to attend college/university; others are entering the workforce via the armed forces.

As the speaker, a 2004 Long Reach graduate, delivered a short, but powerful message to the graduating class I begin to reflect on what commencement really meant. 

Merriam-Webster defines commencement as to enter upon; to have or make a beginning. 

How many commencements have I had?  From an academic standpoint, not including kindergarten, elementary/middle school, I’ve commenced 4 times. 

In 1999, I graduated from Howard High School. 

In 2004, I graduated from High Point University. 

In 2006, I graduated from Bowie State University.

In 2011; I graduated from University of Maryland. 

That is a lot of “beginnings”…A LOT! 

As the speaker continued, I could not help but to reflect on the non-academic beginnings I’ve had.  The commencements without all of the pomp and circumstance.  The times when I made up in my mind that I needed a fresh start....A new beginning. 

In 206, my new beginning focused on building a love life for myself.  I entered into a committed relationship.

In 2009, my commencement was engagement.  I was planning my family life.

In 2011, my new beginning focused on healing.  My heart was broken and I had to heal/rebuild.

In 2013, my commencement has been geared towards restoration.  There are some things (physical, spiritual, mental and material) I would like to be restored to me.

I honestly think the constant beginning is a good thing….at least for me.  As we grow older, we change and start new chapters in our lives.  We strive to reach our goals and REALLY pursue our interests.  We realize there are some people/situations we have to leave behind, even though it may be painful.

For every closed door, another will open.  This restoration commencement is allowing me to come into my own.  I’m more vocal about what I will/will not accept.  I do the things that make me smile.  I’m learning more about the soul within me.  The seed that was planted long ago is finally starting to sprout from the concrete. 

Beyonce pinned it best in her new song Grown Woman, "it took a while, now I understand just where I'm going. Now I'm growing into who I am.....'Bout time I show it!" 

Let the commencement begin!!!

I'm Doing Me......................

Priority is defined as a preferential rating; especially : one that allocates rights to goods and services usually in limited supply <that project has top priority> or something given or meriting attention before competing alternatives.

I want to be a priority to someone.

I want to have the preferential rating.

I want given/merited attention before competing alternatives.

The last few months I haven’t felt like a priority….…Not even to myself. 

Everyone expects me to drop whatever it is I am doing and tend to them.  Their needs.

What the FUCK about me??  What about my needs, wants, dreams, aspirations? 

It seems as if no one cares about ME.  Somehow I also brought into that belief as well and stopped making me important so I can make sure others are happy.  It’s something I’ve done since childhood.

When my dad would hit my mom, I would make sure she was ok. 

When my MeMa passed, I was the one who ordered my mother’s cold pop and asprins on the flight….I was only 6.

When my brothers, mother, or father needed money, I would make a withdrawal from the bank.

When my best friend was heart-broken and needed her “Bestie” even though I was hundreds of miles away, I hopped on a flight and flew home.

When my best friend’s house caught fire, I opened up my home.

When someone needs a wakeup call, I wake up earlier to make sure they get up.

When my ex got hurt on the job AFTER we broke up, I tended to his wounds.

When my nephew needs clothes/shoes, I head to the store.

When my friends are going through, I pray for them instead of “storms”.

When my co-worker asks for my help with his eating, I go to the store to stock the work area with healthy foods.

But when I need something, it’s rare that someone makes me and my needs a priority.  They will get to me when they “have the time”.

I have to turn from this destructive behavior. 

I want to be number one in someone’s life.  Not their friends, habits, addictions, etc.  Me!

I want someone to treat me the way I treat them. 

Until I find someone ready and willing to make me a priority in their life, I’m going to make me a priority in my own.  It’s all about me….Just call me selfish!

Bargining........

So my real life kindred sister-friend wrote a FANTASTIC blog on negotiating/renegotiating in relationships that took me to church!!  I was “tabernacling” all at my desk. 

She wrote, "You need to find out what that person needs and wants from you, and you need to express your needs and wants. You should praise them for the great things they do, and respectfully explain the not so nice things you don't like, and let that person do the same. And if things are changing, say so. If things are going in a weird direction you don't like, say so. There should be no fear in speaking your mind respectfully in your relationship. You want that person to be happy and they should want you to be happy. Everyone needs updated information to do their jobs properly."  

Hmmmmmm.  Have I always provided updated information for my “employee” to do his job effectively?

No.  I haven’t. 

In my past three relationships I’ve been a bad manager at some point or another.  I placed expectations on them and “they ain’t e’vn know it”.  Because of my negligence, they were not able to live up to those unknown expectations.

Over the past two years, I’ve learned that I need to negotiate and renegotiate in a relationship.  Outline, in detail, what I want and am willing to accept.

The blog also stated something along the lines of “don’t put your relationship on automatic renewal.” 

I chuckled to myself because each month I would text the last young man that I dated and ask if he wanted to renew his subscription.  What I (we) failed to do was negotiate the terms of the original contract and subsequent renewals.

As I am navigating my way through this new-aged dating scene, I understand that I cannot accept just any offer. 

I have a general idea of how much I should be making and I am not willing to accept ANYTHING less!

I know my value. 

I know my worth! 

Saying It With My Chest!

Hey Dad…….

I have no idea where I want to begin, but I know I need to get some things off of my chest.  Let me start by saying that I will always love you, even if from afar because you are my father.  Nothing can change that. 

I’ve never fully shared these feelings with you because I didn’t want to live in the past or have my pent up feelings be the reason you decide to use again.  Addictions are hard to battle and I didn’t want that to fall on me.  But in the midst of me protecting your behaviors, I’ve neglected my own healing. 

I.CAN’T.DO.THAT.ANYMORE! 

You are a GROWN man and thus responsible for your own actions regardless of what you are confronted with. 

So let me be frank; when you and mommy divorced some 25 years ago I’ve always felt like you divorced me as well.  You walked out of our life and you never really looked back.  Yes, you dropped in every now and again, but the commitment to me, as your child, your only baby girl, was not there.

I felt like I saw your back, more than I saw your face.  Even when you attempted to see me on the weekends, you were never around.  You were out with your latest girlfriend’s family, doing whatever it was that “grown folks” do. 

I’m almost 32 years old and I don’t know how to receive love from any male figure because the one male I thought I would get it from was....You.  I don’t know how to let a man lead me or protect me or nurture me because I’ve never experienced it.

I’m so scared a man will walk out of my life the same you did that I either hold on too tight or I don't hold on enough. 

My own insecurities of not being enough get the best of me.

I was deprived of being “daddy’s girl”, the “apple of his eye”, his “beautiful princess”.  You never instilled any of those things in me.     

I was always told I was ugly and no one would ever want me because my daddy didn’t.  At first, I didn’t want to believe it and had the upmost faith that you would be a father……. But as time went on and you weren’t around to prove them wrong, their words rang true. 

Your absence turned me into a wounded woman.  There were nights when I would silently scream for you to rescue me to no avail. 

When I was molested right under your nose at the tender age of 8, you didn’t even notice. 

When I was ridiculed by your “new family” for being overweight, having kinky hair and scarred legs, you laughed.

When I was shoved so hard that I flipped over, you didn’t come to my rescue. 

When I shoved pills down my throat, you didn’t even visit me in the hospital. 

Where were you?!?!?!  Why didn’t you protect me?!?!?!?

For the longest time I wanted to understand why you weren’t around, but I never will.  I feel I will never be enough for any man because I wasn’t enough for the man who shares my DNA.

For whatever reason, you didn’t feel I was important enough for you to be around.  You wanted to chase your addictions.   I wanted you to be addicted to fatherhood.

It’s funny how my lack of relationship with you shows itself in my relationship with God. 

God is said to be my Heavenly Father, however, when I think of the word “father” I am unable to fully identify with the feelings of unconditional love, protection, encouragement, etc.  So naturally, my trust in God is low….I’m working on it. 

I forgive you for not being a part of my life, but I will not forget.  I can’t forget when so much of what I missed by not having you around shows up in my day-to-day interactions with men.

I had to learn the hard way how a man is supposed to treat a woman and I’m not even sure I have it right.  

I’m proud of you for kicking your habit. 

I’m proud of you for attempting to be there. 

I’m proud of you for reading this and not using again.

Love Always!



Down One

I'm scared.....I'm scared because I might not have a male best friend anymore. 

On the urging of friends, family and the fact we actually like each other, my BFF and I decided to date.  I was a little apprehensive because as I have blogged about previously, I didn't want to ruin the friendship that we shared. 

I honestly assumed we would have a GREAT datingship because we were such great friends. While things were not horrible, I don't believe it was what we both expected.  The first few months were cool.  We talked, laughed...had a great time.  Then the communication began to fail on both ends.  We didn't understand each other as much as we thought.  Ultimately, we ended things with an argument and a text. 

Now I am left wondering how do we get the "ole thang" back?  That GREAT friendship? Fun? Laughter? Caring?

I'm ok with losing the romantic side of our relationship because that allows room for the right person to come into both of our lives, but I don't want to lose my BFF. *tears*

Can You Tell Me How to Get To Sesame Street

I've had a rough few weeks.  I've really been on a roller coaster.  There is no other way to put it.

In the past few weeks I've experienced every emotion a person can have.  From depression to black out rage.  From like to hate.  From guilt to shame.  From relief to happiness.  From extremely tired to hyper active.

My workouts have not been as intense.  I've skipped meals. I've popped pills to get to bed or not slept at all.  I've purchased items I really didn't want or need.  I go straight to bed, regardless of the time of day.

These feelings and behaviors means that I have internalized everything that has been going on in my life (stress) and I am starting to make my way to Ebonyville beause I need a break.

Ebonyville was founded over 22 years ago.  It's a place where I can escape my reality.  A place where I can find some peace.  A place I know I am protected because I don't allow ANYONE in. 

N.O.O.N.E!

There is no police/fire department.  I handle those issues. 

There is no electric/gas company.  I'm responsible for finding light.

There are no grocery stores.  I hunt my own food, if I feel like eating.  Most times I don't.

I'm learning that Ebonyville may not be a good place because I really withdraw from society and cut off "real" communication with the outside world.  My phone is on silent and I'm not checking to see if I missed anything.  I don't log in to social media accounts, so there is no cyber footprint.

I have good reason for going to Ebonyville....I'm horrible at trusting people.  It seems I always trust the wrong people.  Almost everyone I have trusted with my most intimate, sometimes disturbing thoughts/issues/fears has betrayed me.  Without fail!

If I'm constantly betrayed, why leave the place where I know I am safe?  That's why Ebonyville exists...to keep me safe from those who intentionally or unintentionally hurt me.

One of my acquaintances said Ebonyville was "scary".  I guess it can be from the outside looking in. 

Ebonyville is a scary place.  I don't like being in solitude, but I hate being betrayed as well. 

I want to get to Sesame Street, but I can't seem to leave Ebonyville.

What to do????



Not Right For Each Other.............

Over a month ago I blogged about the beautiful plant I was given from a young man I had been seeing.  Well the plant died a few days ago and surprisingly so did our relationship.

He's not a bad man, just not the one for me.  It hurts, but I've been through worse.  

From what I know, we broke up because he felt like we weren't going anywhere.  He felt I wasn't growing more comfortable.  He didn't feel like a priority.  

I'll be honest, I wasn't totally comfortable.  There were things going on in my life I felt I could not talk to him about because of his attitude at times. He would pick on little things about my personality. Saying I live in "Disney World" because I think everything is suppose to have a happy ending like Disney movies.  

He would make fun of the relationship I have with my mother.  I talk to my mom everyday and I live with her.  If I'm on the phone and she calls, I tell whomever I'm talking too I will call them back.  She's my mom, whatever she has to say is important.  Now if/when I get married, that will change.  My husband will be #1, until then......

During the time we dated we were not intimate, even though we spent nights together.  Apparently not having sex by a certain time is a deal breaker.  We didn't have sex because I wasn't ready.  

He called me an over-achiever because there are times when I feel the need to go above and beyond...especially when it comes to exercising and my niece/nephew.  There were always comments about me doing too much.

There is someone out there for BOTH of us.  Someone that understands our way of thinking.  It sucks that we weren't good for each other because we had some fun times!!!  

I'll always love him, but now I know that sometimes it's just better to remain friends :-)